Dear Joker
by 4ofCups
Summary: What happens when Ledger's Joker decides to take a hiatus from crime, dabble in journalism and dispense his opinions to the faithful readers of Gotham's premier advice column? He's got his own ideas about tact, social graces and virtue: they're overrated.
1. The New Advice Giverrrrr

**THE NEW ADVICE GIVERRRRR**

* * *

Dear Ms. Grace,

My son is a 24-year-old graduate of Gotham University, but still lives at home with my husband and me, rent-free. Since his older sister died when he was 15, we've probably coddled him to excess, to help him cope with the loss of his only sibling. Now he has no job (nor is he looking for one), and he's bringing rather loose women home with him to spend the night on a regular basis. Needless to say, we don't approve, but we can't make him stop this behavior. We're afraid that if we give him an ultimatum, he'll leave and we'll never see him again. We can't bear to lose our only child. What do you recommend we do, to encourage him to take responsibility in his life?

Sincerely,

Mrs. F

* * *

- - - **REPLY **- - -

* * *

DeAr Mrs. Efffffffffff,

Ms. Grace the ADvicE lady has Gone bye-bYe. I am reSPonding in her (permanent) abseNce.

yOur son is cuRRently liVing the **Life** of Riley. Why shOuld hE chAnge? You and your HusBand **have** failed as parents. THat's all THERE is tO it. F**a**il**ed**.

hoW Did your **daugh**Ter die? Was it **fr**om a catAstrOPHic aX-ee-Dent (harveydent, harveydent) tHat I caused? ThE idea maKes me sMile.

Ha ha HA hA HAHA shE DieD. Ha

Go staB a grOcery store CleRk. You'll feel betTEr about Being a **use**less parent.

-JOker

* * *

Dear Ms. Grace,

Last month, my wife's older brother invited us to his house, hosting his own birthday party. I'll call him "D". Although our money is tight, we bought "D" a new food processor, which he mentioned he needed. Just yesterday, we were at my wife's younger brother's house (I'll call him "L"), and to my astonishment, we learned that "D" had re-gifted the food processor to "L". We were told that the gift was a result of "D" cleaning out his house recently, and unloading items he didn't need. Both my wife and I were affronted by this. I want to give "D" a piece of my mind, but my wife doesn't want to stir the pot. What would you advise?

Sincerely,

Annoyed

* * *

- - - **REPLY **- - -

* * *

hmmMmm… so YoU are annoyed. U r a NOID.

y R u a NOID? **Wh**aT do noIdS do fo**r** Fun? R noiDS allo**wed** to Get a driver'S liceNse?

MaybE your gift was a hunK of useless **crap**. Was it a bRAnd name gadget? maYBe he got riD of it

bEcauSe it

sucKs.

a**nd** on thAt topic, U suck, AnnOyed. You u yew ewe Suck.

Do ya eveN got a PAIR in youR FruIt of the LooMs there, **sport**-O?

If u **do**, I

hoPe (hope, dope, mope, soap, Pope-on-a-rope)

ur geNitals haVe a

clOse en-KOWN-terrRRrrrrr

with **said** foOd proceSsor. Ha ha hahaHa Ha HA!

Ma**ybe** if soMeone fed you soMe penis patE, you

would leaRN to aCt like a man with BALLS, instead of writiNG letTers like a girlllll.

if I c U on the street, I'm **staBbing** U in the eaR.

-JOKER

Pee Ess: purple **gra**Pes are my FaVorite of the Fruit of the L**oo**m guys.

Pee Pee Ess: Ms. Grace is dEad, so StoP wri**tinG** to her. doN't wriTe to ME **either**, becAuse U R a dOUche.

* * *

Dear Ms. Grace,

My older sister is a senior at the high school where I'm a sophomore. Her friends came over for a slumber party last weekend, and one of them brought alcohol. I saw my sister drink some, even though she's only 17. I think I should tell my parents, but I'm afraid she will start mean rumors about me in school if I tell. What should I do? I don't want her to get hurt by drinking and driving.

Sincerely,

Worried Little Sister

* * *

- - - **REPLY **- - -

* * *

Ummm… whY wasn't **I** invited to the **par-teeee**?

HmmMm?

Sl**um**ber parTies are m**y** FaVorite! When eve**ry**one is giGGling and paiNTinG each other's **toe**nails, it's eaSy to Rob the hOUSe and s**et** iT on fiRe.

don't teLL your paRENTs about the aLcohol. No one liKes a **snitch**, Little Sister. Did you heaR me?

NO ONE likes a **SNITCH**.

snitChes don't

Liv**e** loNG

in Gothammm**mm**mm.

sTart mEan r**u**mo**rs** about yoUR sister

. . . . .at sChool (like mAybE she sLept with the wHole foot**ball **team and has Chlamydia)

Ha haHA Ha heh

Ha

Vee dee is fun-ee.

TheN she'LL lose all heR friends and

NO one will brinG

her alc**o**hol

and sHe'll sit at HoMe and m**ope** and reALIze she's a loSer and get KnoCKed up by the firSt guy who sLeEps with **her **then she'll maRry him and take out **all** her anGER on him and

Push him

into a liFe of alcoHolism and petTy cr**im**e. i neeD another recruit. I keep **Killing** mine oFf.

dO it, and waTch her life u**nra**vel. Low self-estEEm is funny. Ha ha

JOkeR

... bY the wAy, Mizzzz graCE is d-e-A-d, so i am thE **only** one wHO will answer advICe letters **now**. Ha hee ha HA!

* * *

_Author's Note: If you need advice from the Joker about a matter that concerns you, submit your question in a review. He will reply to everyone... but what he'll actually write is anyone's guess._

_-4oC, 2009.06.30_


	2. First Blood: Question 1

Oh, goodeeeee… my first letteR from a DEDicated reader…

**QUESTION 1**

* * *

Dear Ms. Grace,

I'm asexual and have no interest in a romantic relationship with anyone, regardless of gender. Despite the fact that I've made my orientation known to my friends, I find that a few of them still flirt and try to ask me on dates. How do I make my disinterest clear without destroying a friendship?

Sincerely,

Not Interested

* * *

- - - **REPLY **- - -

* * *

Well, well, _wellllll_….

So yoU don't **like** advances… mmmmmmm?

WhaT if they came from soMEone like…. **me**?

if I staRT to maKe ad**van**ces

and PuT the moVes

on you,

wo**ul**d that alSo make you UNcomfor**t**able? Hmmm? If I say, "Hey, baby, call me JokER insteAd of Mizzzz GraCE, 'ca**us**e I'm the party and i'm wheRE it's AT", would you Get all fluStered?

woUld you bluSh and try to hit me?

woulD you

hit Me

**hard**?

I'd like that. So juST give me your aDdress and I'll

FIND YOU

and I'll hit on You and m**ak**e yOu upset and yoU can hit mE and **i **can enjoy it and IT will **be** a Great arrangeMenT.

In the meantime, (theRe's always TimE to be MeAN)

b**ef**ore

I get there just

Get your POINT across to peoPle that you don't WaNt to get hiT on. carry a **switch**blade and whiP it out when t**he**y don't exPecT it. like in tHE midDle of w**atc**hing a romanTic comedy with katHerine Heigl. ThreATeN to cut a man's ballS off.

we gener**all**y don't LIKE that.

Threaten to Carve a woman's **face **up. They defiNitelY don't like that.

Heh heh.

-joKeR

P.

S.

Ha.

* * *

-4oC, 2009.07.01


	3. Question 2

**QUESTION 2**

* * *

dear Joker,

I have a question. Can I please, please, please be your slave? I'll do ANYTHING you want. I'll shoot the President, I'll blow up a nursing home and a daycare center. I can cook too! I worship you and would do anything and everything you ask with a big smile on my face.

Jen

* * *

- - - **REP****LY **- - -

* * *

Ahhhhhhh… my dear Mizzzz Jen,

You aRe the firsT re**ad**er to adDress **Me** directly, so foR that i will LicK your fAce. theN i might bITE your ear, if I feEl li**ke** it. I DO sTuff like that.

BeCA**use**

ha Ha HAaAA

**I can**

Ha. Yeah, aha. Ha.

So**oo**o, since tHis is an adVice coluMn (call 'em liKe I sEe 'em), here iS what I wo**u**ld aDvise: be caReful about **oFF**ering to Be a slave to anYone in Gotham. there are sOme veRy un**sav**ory peoPle in this **rat** hole of a city.

Rat. Rat. liKe a flyiNG **bat**.

however, I do hapPeN to haVe a **va**cancy, and** i** am the eX-sEP-shun to the rule (beCause I **rule**), so yOu can be

my sLave.

cut the cruSTs off my SandWIches. **i haTe onions** so don't mAke any **mE**als with thEM I like LoTS of red **me**at If you Burn my

pancakes

you'LL piss me OFf and I'll finD a new s**la**Ve girL.

and yOu betTer **smiLe** pretTy for meeeeee. me. me. me.

**m**e m**e** mE Me ME

me.

-jokER

* * *

-4oC, 2009.07.01


	4. Question 3

**QUESTION 3**

* * *

Dear Ms. Grace,

I'm a schoolteacher, and I teach 5th grade. Generally, I love my job, aside from two very big issues. One, of course, is the low pay, but I won't get into that. The second is that I feel helpless in my job! Many of my students act out, and if I ever try to discipline them, the parents come after me! How am I supposed to deal with the children that are disruptive in my class without getting the parents upset? I am at my wits end!

Love and thanks,

Ms. M

* * *

- - - **REPLY** - - -

* * *

Aich – **ee **-douBle hoCKey sTicKs - O, Mizzzz

Emm**m**mm

hA haHA ha I'm so **fuN**ny

Do a _fa_Vor for me, will ya? tell the civiliZed pee-pull ($$$ wOrshipPing h**yp**ocriTes) of Gotham that Ms. GraCE can't rePly. at ALL.

Ever aGain

ever. NoPe

if you waNt more $$$ just **rob** a banK but stay OUT of the finANCial districT w**he**re the MOB lauNDErs their $$money$$ 'cause that's MY (mine mine) terRitory. ha terror-tor-eeeeee

miNe

i re**com**me**n**d tHe Korean conveNienT store at 4th and Culver aVENuE The liTtle old Woman theRe can't figure out h**o**w to LoaD the shoTgun ha-Ha hee

Ha

anD it's funnY ha to see her

cry. Boo **hOo** ha HA

she STocks r**asp**beRry zinGgers with cocoNUT, which are AweSO**ME**. And they're Mine, too there miNe their mine don't take those my treats Mine fun with homon**y**ms

so... m'KaY

School teeech-er, you say? HelPLEssss? No nO no nonono NO

yoU **ha**Ve the Power to warp minds. They're listeninG to w**ha**t you say, mizzzz Em… they LIStEN to you

so Tell them t**ha**t

**baTman** murdered Santa cLaus and rapeD the tOOth fairy and ate the Easter bunNy with Pine**aPple** on a shish kebab, and watch their little fAces Fall in deJection,

heh heH hee Ha

and knoW that yOU helped to **crush** their sPirITS.

THAT is powerrrrrrrr

Want to bring ME for shoW and (**hell**) tell? i'll teLL the whelps how thEIR real parents diDn'T loVe them and le**f**t them in the AlliGator cage at the GothaM Zoo, and show i mEan tell, yes i said tell **on**LY (ha) how I got my **sCars**

The parEnts who comPlain always have tHe weak kids **a**ll**e**rgic to everYthing. If they harASS (hairy Ass, ha) you, tell them to s**ta**y awaY or you'll maKe every kid eat peanut (can NuTS pee?) butter with s**heLL** fish and eggies beFore they say the Pledge of AlleGIance

TO THE JOKER me** me** mE me me Me

Let me knoW which kids are the bULLies. i'll need 'em in a feW years ha Ha

-JoKeR

my banks mY zinGErs mine

* * *

_-4oC, 2009.07.01_


	5. Question 4

**QUESTION 4**

* * *

Dear Ms. Grace,

My parent's anti-versary is coming up, and I'm starting to get depressed again. My (dead-beat) mother never comes to see me, and rarely even calls. She doesn't even live a frickin' two hours away. Whenever she does visit me, though, I can never get her to talk about anything serious. Like my emotional stability, and all that jazz. Should I just tell her strait, or keep on being quiet like I've always been?

Sincerely,

Teenage Girlie

* * *

- - - **REPLY **- - -

* * *

Helloooooooo tHere, TeeNagE Girlie

(GrRrrrR-leeee**ee**eee) heh ha

So, you aRe depreSsed? Hmmm. mAYbe i can fix t**ha**t.

rrrrRRrrrrrRrr... hOW a**bo**ut a joKe?

K**no**ck knock.

kNoCK kno**c**K...

Knock k**N**ock knOCk KNock knoCK k**noc**k KNOCK **k**noCk Knock.

**KNOCK!**

I'm ouTSiDe your houSe **k**n**ock**ing on the WIndOw.

LeT

.

me

.

**IN**

Ha heh hee hA ha! No, i'M not re**ee**eeealllly outsiDe **bu**t i HopE you Peed your pAnts thiNKing aBout it. Ha.

Dear old momMy soU**nd**s like a

BiT**Ch**.

(or dID **you** driVe her away - byE bYe - beca**u**se **you** WEREn't good eno**u**gh, hmmMm?)

spLIt Pea soUp with OySTer craCKers

i am goiNG to assu**me** that you are a Good litTle girl who WaS a GooD liTtle daughter (rhyMes with sla**u**ghter). Were y**o**u? Ha ha Did y**o**u maKe your bED and clean yOur plate yum like gOOd little g**irl**s in Gotham do?

Were you gOod?

go**od** is

so

BoRIng.

i am gOINg 2 recoMmeND 2 o**Pti**oNs 2 Deal with **MomMie** dearEst 2 you. YoU get to piCK.

**UNO**:

If you reALly want to Get The shreW's atteNtion, and you haVe acceSS to lighter FLuid and a **box** of maTches, set her cAr on FIRE. then when she stands tHere and cries "oh** no** my car what will I do nOW I **have** NO car oh woe iS me" you sneAK up beHind her and **hit** her in the BacK of the h**e**ad with a 5 iron not a WedGe noT a 3 wooD and dEFinitely not a puTter (am **I** cleaR here, tEEnage giRLie?) get a 5 Iron from dadDy's golf bAg and

Hit her with a big wHack.

Hi, mommy.

Whack.

It's me.

wHack.

Your little girl

Whackity whaCk **wha**ck whAcK

The one you ignore

WHACK

Are you ignoring me now?

Ha hahA heh ha

mmm hmmm ha

it's harD to ignoRe someone Who is swinging a 5 iroN. when yOu get more aCCustomed tO the weigHT of the cLub, you can graDuate to a tire iRon.

Or

**ZWEI**:

You couLd say NOthing. jUst like whaT you do noW. put a **smile** on your face (i could Put one on it foR you) and swaLLow your pain, Teenage Girlie. swallow it. Bury IT. hide it. Let it consu**me** you.

Then

one Day

when yOu are sittiNg in your bEIge cubicLe at your 9-to-5 JOB at the Gotham liFe InsuRance Co**mpa**ny (robbeD it twICE, so E-Z 2 Do) you will

SN**A**P

AnD you will pull out a seMIautomAtic from your **purse** (i maKe a hot NURSE) that you tRaDed sex with a gang Banger to get AND you will moW down everyone: midDle-manaGEment, acCounting and cuStomer serVice as your **pain** finally comes pouRing out of you,

one bullet at a time.

heh he Ha

Either route wiLL be caThartic and life c**hanging** for you.

it just dePends on whether you LIkE the eXpreSSway or the scenic rouTe. Heh ha hahA ha.

Ha

Let me know if yOu plan to torch **mom**my's car so I can WatCh and roast marshmAllows. Mmm yummy

yum yum

We'll eat s'mores

S'mores

S'

S'

I like apostroPhes in woRDs. thEy looK like buLLets about to **sKewer** a heLPless letter.

-jokeR

GothaM needs more mArshmallOWs and aPOstrophes and catastrophes. HA!

p.S. Ms. grACe has KickEd the bucket. Adios, farEwell, aufwiedersehen Frau graCE...

* * *

_-4oC, 2009.07.02_


	6. Question 5

**QUESTION 5**

* * *

Dear Mistah J... what all this I hear about A new slave girl? I thought I was your hench wench Ya know I loves me my puddin'

Much Love and more blood,

Harley Quinn

* * *

- - - **REPLY **- - -

* * *

Hrrmph rrrRrrrrrggh !#$ _fuc_%! ...hhhH ha heh Harley

h**aRLe**eeeeeeeeee

Harley harl**ey** ha Ha ha HarleeeEeee

heE hee Ha haha heh hee Ha hee

Ha

hee

hA

HeE

har-

ley

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Harleeeeeeeeee

Harley… _haRLeY…... _H**A**RLey

**HARLEY!**

Who saiD that

_yOu_

could USE

tHe **coMputer?**

it's only for JOKerS (me me me) and gOOd littLe hench

wencHes Who don't ... um, yeah

SCREW UP

break iNS with their

BIG **YAPS**!

and i will haVE as ma**ny** slave giRLs as I Want to. So theRe!

yeah, hARleY,

...so ...THeRe!

Ya knOw whAT? it sounDs like **Jen** knoWs when to kEEp her mouth SHUT (allthetime ALLthetiMe aLways) which **you** haven't masteRrrrrred yet, now HAVE you? HmmmmmMm?

i thINK i will hOLd tryouts and maKe You and all of tHEm fighT to the Death. Heh hee mmmyeah, hA. and who**ever** wiNs can kiSS the hem of my PuRPle gar**me**nTs.

So get OFF the comPuter, harLEY.

NOW.

All coMMunication priVileges revoked, hear **me**?

Get off. off. Off. oFf. ofF. Off.

OFF

get ofF.

Get off.

But when You **get off** I wanT to watch. hA hahaHa Ha heh Ha ha!

Ha-hee!

ha-HeE

HA-hee

Har-ley

Off. Go make mE a chicken pOT pie. i'm hungreeeeeee

-jOker, (Mr. J to you)

p. S. this is aN **adVICE column**, hArLEy. So I adviSe you noT to piSS me ofF.

who tOOk my knife?

* * *

_-4oC, 2009.07.02_


	7. Question 6

**QUESTION 6**

* * *

Dear Joker,

I've recently gained a number of scars around my wrists and hands thanks to my new cat, and I often find people staring at them. I've explained what caused the marks many times, but I get the feeling not everyone believes the explanation and thinks I'm self-injuring. I don't want to cover them up for fear of adding further suspicion. How would you handle it?

Lauren

* * *

- - - **REPLY **- - -

* * *

Hell-O

**hell**-oooo...oOooo...o...OO.o...O

hell-OOo**oo**oooOooooooo O o

HELLO... lauReNnnnnn.

So you'Ve got youRSelf a Kitty cat. does iT **ha**ve the letter "M" on its kiTTy cat foRehead? (emmmmmmm) i liKe t**ha**t letter. Some gReat words begiN with M.

like **m**onster. And **m**aelsTRom and

**Maniac**al. **m**aliCe

**m**eNacing. (here, kittY kITty kitty)

**M . **e . r . c . i . l . e . S . s

(C'mere, KittY. come HERE!)

So does **M**ussoLini. ha hAha Ha **ha**ha fascism hA

And one of mY favorite woRds…

**ME**.

it's also the first leTTer in the word **M**anx. Is your kitty Cat a Manx, Lauren? If it's noT, you can maKe it one with one qu**ick** chop. i've got a Perfect tool for that. Heh haha ha Ha. Tool. Ha

WhaT do i advise, yOU ask? (me me me she asKed ME)

do NOT cover up yoUr scars, do you Hear me, kiTTy **cat** LAuren? meeeeoooowwwwwwww heh heh, ha

**Cat** rhyMes with **BAT** But **cat** and **bat** don't reallY rhyme with **twat**, do they? mmMmmmm, no nope No same speLLing but pronouNced differently. Can i petiTion someone about **that**? (There, you see?) **That** rhymes with **cat** AND **bat**. But **twat** sort of standS on its own. who iS in charge of the engliSh language, aNYway?

scars tell the world wHo you ARE.

Do you know who I am?

Do you KNOW who i** AM**?

Sure my clothing is a biT on the LOUD end of the color SPECtrum i like loud and i blow up builDings with D.A.'s in them and my knives give mE a wide berth when I walK into McDonald's for my qu**art**er pounder WITH cheese, thankyouveryMuch (supersiZe me, BABY!)

but it's really...

the

SCARS

That define me.

...wanT me to teLL you - in PERsoN - how i got 'eM?

am i mAKing my poinT, kitty cat Lauren? (I'm shoRTening that to **kiTTen**)

your new scaRs... If people stare at 'em…

GOoD

you can't Spell "scare" without "scar", can You? That's Because **scar**s are **scar**y.

Scar + e = scare, which doesn't begin with M but is still a GReaT word. heh heh...

So tape some **m**ice (ha Ha more fun with the letteR emmmmm) to your forearMs by their liTTle mousey Tails and let your kittY cat scratch the heLL out of your aRms. Then i want you to rub salT in the fresh CuTs so they'll be AGITATeD and red.

Buy some nEon yeLLow poster board, cut out big aRRows and tape theM to your arms at the eLBoWs, so they Point to the sCAr(e)s. ha ha Haaaaaa

Then NO ONE will be able to iGnore them. Ha ha ha haHa hA! Watch people bAck **away** from you when they See your scaRs. It'S because they're scared of you. Scaring people is funnnnnn

Right, Kitten?

if they tHinK you injuRe yourself...

SO **WHAT**?

If i find out That you've been coVering up your ScaRs, I will **sneak** into your bedroom whiLe you sLeep and GIVE you **scars** that you can't eVer ever EVER cover up. Heh.

-JokeR

p.S. **m**ildew Begins with M that woRD maKes me LauGH ha

p. P. s. Send me a phoTO of your kitty cat. I wanna plaY with it. reaLLy, thaT's it. (ha ha haHahA ha Ha) i promise. Trust meeeeeeee...

Serio**u**sly, who Took my KNifE?

* * *

_-4oC, 2009.07.03_


	8. Question 7

**QUESTION 7**

* * *

Dear Joker,

Is it a bad thing that I want to know how you got those scars? And I mean how you really got them, not some lame cover-up you throw around because you don't have enough balls to tell the truth. You know it's true - if you were as secure in yourself as you act, you would have told everyone exactly what happened when you got that wonderful smile.

-Middie

* * *

- - - **REPLY - - -**

* * *

Ahhhh… aha, ha. Ha **ha**aaa.

Ha. hA. HA.

Well, now. MidDie.

Mid-E

haHa ha hA haaaAAaaaaaA... ha hAha hahahastinKin'fresHMouthed**brat**haha

M.i.D.d.i.E

...ahhhh ha ha mid-eeeeE**ee**ee

areN't you the feiSTy one, mmmmMM?

Mmmmmmiddie…

You knoW what they sAY about _curIosity…_

kiLLs the Kitty, **killS** the kiTTy, kills the kiTTy kitty KItty

(sounDs like miDDie)

WoRds truly canNot convey h**ow** soRrY i am that I can'T ansWer your Question in peRson.

...you knOw...

UP CLOsE anD PerSonal.

...CurioSITy kills THE kittY...

...cuRiosity kiLLs the middiE...

the trUth is, liTTle middie, t**ha**t I only tell t**ha**t sTory to people… in PErson.

...WHat a s**ha**me... i wouLd reAlly enjoy teLLinG you t**ha**t story fAce to FacE.

ThEre's just one little proBLem… since i'm tek-nick-Lee a "cRiminal", I caN't meet yoU on the strEEt somew**here**, even in hErE in gotHAM.

(gotHAM? Got **haM**? Got miLK?)

Oh, poopers, Middie! I REaLLY like your SnoT-nosed attitude. i wish I coUld tHink of A way to—

wait a 2nd…

i _could _have soMe of my **me**n bring _you_ to _Me_! LeT's do t**ha**t, shaLL we?

See, I'm gOOd frienDs with the MoB in GothaM reaLLy good friends we LIKE to **pu**nk each other From tiMe to timE. it's our tHing. When I st**ole** their $$monEy$$ from some BanKS around Got**ha**m, they thouGht it was preTTy fUnny and cleVer of me. (Yes they DID yes tHey did)

So we're Pals now. honESt. We get aLong famouSly. haHa

since this IS an ad**vice** column, here's w**ha**t I would adVise yOU to Do, so you can mEEt me, m'KaY, miDDiE?

TomoRrow night at 11:30pM, go throUgh the bAck door of a Little Eye-tal-yun food JoiNT called "Trattorio's", in East Got**hA**m, near the corNer of 46th and KeLLer (killer... kill her) AveNUe. Tell them yOU're looKing for the "cappo b**ass**-tone-ee". T**ha**t's how You pronounce iT. That's Italian for "Joker's **best** frieND".

when they BRing you to him, tell him, "You really tOOk one up the **ass** wHen the JoKer hit your Banks, right, ya wop faGGot?" ("wOP faggot" is actually iTalian for "swell gUy".) It may souND a **bit** crude, but it's juSt a code phrase, **ac**tually. Follow that uP with, "Did I interRuPt you dagos (proNounced day-goes) from youR nightly circle jerK?" You don't nEEd to know what t**ha**t means, MiddIE. He'll know, and he'll lauGh good-naturedLy, sLAP his thigh, and oFfer to take yOu to me RigHT after he giVes You a lolliPoP for your cleVer phraSing.

Oooh... I jusT

can't WAIT

for you to mEEt him! You'LL maKe **such** an imprEssion on hIM. ahhh haHa hAha...HA

And if, for some oDD reason, we're unABle to conneCt toMorRow night a**ft**er you haHa inVoKe the SpeCIAL Joker CluB Super SecRet phrases with THE _capo bastone _(haha Ha), I'll Just haVe to come lOOking for _you._

(...pRobably on the BaCK of **milk carTons** or sleePing with the Fishes in GoTham's East RiVer)

Got **miLK**, Middie?

-joK**er**

* * *

_-4oC, 2009.07.08_


	9. Question 8

**QUESTION 8**

* * *

Dear JOKER,

What the HECK have you done to Ms. Grace? She was a poor, innocent soul, and you had no right to kill her, much less take away our valued advice giver! You should be ashamed of yourself! ASHAMED! Also, is "pinky's out" still required at a tea party? I'm going to one tomorrow and I am going LOONY TUNES over whether or not I need to practice my pinky etiquette!

Regards,

Pink Lady

P.s. ASHAMED!

* * *

- - - **REPLY** - - -

* * *

Asha**me**d, you say? Moi?

nO...no No...no**no**NOnO...nuh uh

no, Pink ladY. sHa**me** is a wAste of N-er-G.

Lay-D. heH ha hA

Peeeenk la-deeee

pinK LaDy…. like tHe razOr? i liKe razorzZzz. Mmmmm hmMMmm…. you CAn cut so maNy thinGS with raZors. likE hopes aND dreaMS and fAceS

S**lice** slice sliiiiiiiiiiiiiice…..

You, ah... haha, you aDdressED ME in CAPITaL leTTers. did YoU do thaT to scORe some poinTs… Or weRe you yeLLing at me in pRint?

i wonDer how LOUd you can yeLL. h**ow** loud Can you sCREam?

...Can I coMe over to FiNd out, rAzor Girl?

anD JusT so you kNOw, I didn'T kiLL Ms. gRAce.

...GraVity dId.

leT me go On the reCorD: there's a reAson ?why? you neVEr saw mS. gRAcE's photo (saY cheeSe! gorGonzOLa) prinTed in her aDVice coLumns - shE had a faCe like Elmer FuDD. Ha hahA ha fugly heh heh He's L**oo**ny tOOns… how's DAT for coINcidenCe?

See, i'm trYing to bRing cl**ass** to the cRiminal eleMEnts of this ciTy, sO i went To seE her for adviCE. (When yOu cut oFF a man's bAlls, where DO you sticK 'em? In his BusTer bRowns or in his moUTh? whaT to do?) i apPRoached Mizzzz GraCE at the top of tHe stairs, Just ouTside of her seCond story condo oN WestcheSter AvenUe. She was leaVinG to go to a **fun**draiser **ho**sted by Bruce waYne. (haVe you sEEn the cars t**ha**t spoiled puNk drives? What's HE coM**pen(i)s**ating foR, mmmMmMm?)

Ms. Grace was dreSSed all in sI**LV**er for the ocCasioN she lOOked like a sLinKy so I jusT wanted to sEE if she coULd take the sTaiRS like one.

Mmmm… noPe.

her bOnes made cRunCHy noises on the wAY down. Like CaPtain cRunch with CruncHBeRRies! Her heaD wasn't reaLLy facing in the riGHt direCtion when she HIT the bottom. Ha ha oops spLat ha

I was kiNDa disapPoiNted, because she DiDN't get a chance to **diSpense** her aD**Vice** to me. I kicKed her heaD so that it was fAcing foRWard again, but she didn't waKe up. She lOOked like an Elmer Fudd Pez disPenser. So i cut hER throat dEep, and puLLed her head bAck to see if eiTHeR adviCe or a big Piece of chERRy Pez would pOp out. I got bupKis. But it waSn't a toTal loSs – I staBbed one of heR neighbors haHa so i felt mUch beTTeR.

PinkIEs out when **d**rinking teA, alwaYs. 'specially iF you'Re going to a funDraiser hosTed by bRUce WaynE. when hE looKs your way, WAG that pinKy finGer at him. He'll know eggs-act-Lee what yoU're in**sin**uating...

...and the foLLowing dAY he'll droP $150K

at the MaseRAti dealeRship on CoNcord aVeNue

So he cAn

...drive... aROunD

hIs

sHIny

new

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

PenIS.

HA

-JoKER

* * *

_-4oC, 2009.07.10_


	10. Question 9

**QUESTION 9**

* * *

. Ahem. Erm. ANYWAY

DEAR BELOVED JOKER, Hi. I like to look at your face. Your face makes me happy. BUAAHAHAHAHA. HAPEE. OM NOM NOM JOKER FACE. THAT RHYMES WITH poker face. I love you.

Much love,

Veronica.

* * *

- - - **REPLY **- - -

* * *

Uh, yeaaaa**ah**hhh... hEh

aRe you hOOked up to an oXyGen tanK or so**Me**THinG?

I meAN, heh... hA hah, a guY liKe **me** LiKEs to lauGh, but eVen i **do**n't laUgh **quit**E **that** muCh for as LonG as you dO. If you aRE on an oxYgeN tanK, craNK it uP, taKe oFF the MaSK, leT the oxygEN fiLL the rOom uP and LigHT a maTch to SeE w**ha**t **ha**Ppens.

Heh heh... ah, hah ha bOOm ha

fiRe is **fuN**ny

nOt on OxyGeN? HmmmMm, maYBe you'rE just eXcePTionallY gOOd at hoLding your bReath.

ha hAha

iF you aRe, you'LL be VeRY poPular with the BoYs, verRonicA.

Very,

VERY popULaR.

(if you doN't knOW what t**Ha**t meaNs, asK youR daDDy.)

and If you'Ve got a sTur-dEE set of KnEE paDs, you can Use t**ha**t skiLL to clim**B** the coRpoRate **L**adDer prettY darned FAsT when iT's time to GeT a gr**OW**n-up **JOB**.

heRe's some aDviCE: to Go uP the c**ha**in of coMmanD, you **ha**ve to be wiLLing tO

go

DoWN.

...hAHa **ha** HAaaaaaaaAAaaaaaaa... ha,

HA

diGNniTy is the fIrst coMmodity you offLoad from yOur peRsoNal portFOlio if you wAnt to JoIN the rAt Race (BaT faCE), swEEthearT.

...uh, hUh

So, w**ha**t giVEs? DO YOU ENJoY ABUSING CAPiTAL LETtERS?

SINcE THIS Is AN AdVICE COLuMN, HERe'S A TiP, TOOtS: "CAPS LOCK" KEY - **OFF**.

M'KAY?

NO oNE GETS TO AbUSE HELpLESS CAPITAL LeTTERS MOrE THAN ME.

...**ME**...COmPRENDE, CHIQuITa?

WAiT A SECOnD!

MAYBE YoU'RE NOT OVERUsING UPpERCASE LETTERS – MAyBE THIS Is HOW yOU TALK!

NO

WAY

!

O

.

M

.

F

.

G

!

ArE YOU ONE OF ThOSE GIRLS WHO SqUEALS ALL THE TI**ME** AND HABITuALLY COMmUNICAtES IN OVERSTaTED SUpERLATIvES AND ExCLAMATIONS?

oH MY GOD, I JUsT LOVE THAT, IT's THE VERY BeST EVER!

HOw MUCH REfINED SUgAR IS IN YOUR **DIe**T?

WERE YOU ThE KID WHO ROdE THE SHORT bUS TO SCHOoL AND WORE A HeLMET IN CLASS ANd WAS HARNEsSED TO ThE RADIATOR WITH A LEaSH TO KEEP YoU FROM LICkING GLUE OFF THE ArT TAbLE?

Ha HA HA.

I'M JOkING.

BUT MAYbE I'M NOT!

IT'S HaRD TO DIffERENTIATE WhEN SO MANY WORdS ARE OBNoXIOUSLY CAPITALIZeD, ISN'T IT?

RegardLess of youR pOOr choIce of case tYpe, i'm gLAd you wrote to me. i **ha**ve been waiTinG for a **you**Ng ladY to eXude the eNThusIasm you Do!

...a GaL who fEEls joy JusT thinKing about **me**!

...A cHicK who proFesses slaVish DevOTion!

...a madEMoiseLLe who reCogniZEs an ADoNis when she sEEs one!

You'Ve got GrrrrrRrrreat tasTe in **me**n!

hA

WouLd you liKe to shoW me JuST how muCh you LoVe meeeeeeee? HmmmmmMmm?

heAd oVer to GoT**ha**M's maJor cRImes uNit!

AsK to see CoMMissIoner goRDon!

TeLL him, "the JoKer toLd me to teLL you t**ha**t there's seeeeee fore in the taiLpiPe of every sQuaD car in pRecinCt 32"!

if tHey don'T aRrest you for aIDinG and abBeTting a cRiminal, mEEt me at cLaiRe's boutiQUe at goThAm West EnD maLL at closiNG toniGht so i can caRVe up your FaCe with a shinY maGenTAa metaLLic barRette for thiNKinG that I wouLd reMoTely enJoy a Pun t**ha**t rhYmes **me** with a PoP soNg.

yoUr name RhyMEs wiTh a harMoniCa, but i Didn'T rub t**ha**t in yOur Face, dId i?

(i'd RathEr ruB a knIfe in YoUr faCe. haha hA ha)

-joker

* * *

_-4oC, 2009.07.12_


	11. Question 10

**QUESTION 10**

* * *

Dear Mr. Joker,

Do you wear that clown make-up 24 hours a day? Even when you're brushing your teeth, eating, or sleeping? Your skin seems pretty clear and acne-free, so I assume you use oil-free, animal-tested, dermatologist-recommended make-up products on your face. And can you tell me the salon where I can get a perm like yours? And what is the exact shade of dye that you use to get your hair such a perfect shade of greenish-blonde? I would love to hear about your beauty/fashion secrets!

Love,

Nihara

P.S Where did you get your clothing tailored?-purple is my favorite color:)

* * *

- - - **REPLY **- - -

* * *

Uhhh….

**nO**.

...no No **n**o nO N**O** no…..nuh uh…. Nope

Soooo… _NiHARa..._

...let mE gueSS: i'm just suPposed tO be**Lie**Ve you'Re a raNdoM person aSKing **me** rAnDOm quesTions, Just for kiCKs and giGgLes… right?

juSt h**ow** STuPid do yOu think i AM?

"MisTer joKeR"? ...(hmMmm, where **ha**ve I hEard t**ha**t bee-4?)

"NiHara"? ...(**Fu**nNy, **fu**Nny funnn-eeee how t**ha**t's an aNagram of "RhiaNa".)

EFF YOU (en en why) fUnnY

Not the bEst waY to coNCeaL your iDenTity from meeeEe, _Rhiana_… but I GueSs i coulDn't eXpecT much mOre (rh**Yme**s with wHore - coIncideNce?) t**ha**n t**ha**t froM a boRed littLe rich gIrl from GothAm's WeST side, wHose dadDy put her in Arkham beCause she fAked two suIciDe aTTtemPts and mOpes aRounD like A goTh wanNa-Be.

So, RHIaNA, youR sTaLKing efForts **ha**ve PaiD off, eVEn from WitHin Your coZy littLe rOom in Arkham. yOu reaLLy pisseD me off whEn i was in arKHam, anD you'Re piSSing **me** oFF noW.

(peRsiSTent littLe paRasitE, aren't you? NOT w**ha**t I nEEded toDay. FirSt i spiLL Dr. pePPer on the ranSom **no**te I wRote for the haMsTer I stoLe from GothaM PEt empORium, and now i get tHis noTe from YoU.)

Mother fuc!#%^$

.

.

i canNot BeLiEVE t**ha**t you're **stiLL** puLLinG this, aFTer eVerythiNG I saiD to YOU...

Jesus H. ChrIst on a Ritz cracKer!

wHy on a Ritz cr**ack**er, you aSK? BecAuse cHRistiaNs be**Lie**ve he's LorD and saVior, so not JuSt any cRac**K**er wouLd do. CeRTainly not a SaltIne, and WAsa breaD wouLd be sCRatcHy on his BaCk. RitZ has a deLectable buTTery hiNt, whIch is why i prefeR it as a cruNchy comPLemeNt to a sPreaD of the Holy SoN.

You're a ChriSTian, Rhiana. how doEs it make yOu feeL to know i'M sLinging the saVIor arouNd liKe he was a tAblespoon of Jif? (chOOsy moMs cHoose jiF! That's why mY momMy fed me geNeric peaNut buTTer) CominG to a daIry isLe near you: CrocK 'o Christ, for those LooKing for a low-caRb, sanCTimoNious, hoLier-t**ha**n-thou condiment (condom-ant). look For it next to the SpRay bottLes of I CaN't Be**lie**Ve It's Not BlasPHemY.

LisTen up, biTch.

I've saiD thIs **C**o**UNT**Less Times beFore, but i wiLL say it aGaIN.

In no **un**cerTain terMs:_ i aM not iNTereSted in You_.

**Not** inteRestEd. NOT.

…Like I toLd you wheN you sTooD neXt to me in Line fOR eVeninG meds, on the nIGht I broKe Dr. bLaKely's arm.

...unDERstanD?

I acTuaLLy reallY disPiSe you,

…like I toLd you As you cLunG to my anKLes when i waLKed acroSs Ark**ha**m's couRtYard afTer PanCaKE DaY in the cAfeteRia. (tHough i LAughed ha ha Haha when I sAw hoW bLooDied the gRaveL made your knEEs. haHa you'Re dumB)

...comPREndE?

i tHink you **ha**ve the Face of a p**ug**

…which I yeLLed for the w**Ho**le rec rOOm to heaR, on the NIght when you tRIed to sit on mY Lap, bloCking my view of BumBLe when RudoLph the Red-NosED ReindEEr was on tV.

...caPice?

I thINk you **ha**ve the boDy of a tuRnip, and tHe i.Q. to mATch.

…which i shouTed as I eLbowed you in The choPs, after you gRabBed my **UNiT** right afTer I kicKed the aSSes of PoisoN Ivy, the ridDLer and the ScarecRow in CanDy Land.

I don't LiKe you.

...Got it?

i **mean**t it tHe firST time I sAid it...AnD I meAn it now fOR the tWo-huNDred and eIghTY-seVenTH tiMe I'm saYing it.

I meAn, ChrIST on a biKe, you'Re oBTuse!

And yeAh, t**ha**t's rIght, now hE's moVeD on from beiNG a spRead on caRBohyDrate snacK fOOds to rIding a recREatioNal spOrtinG veHicle. I PiCTure him on a blue SchwiNn, myseLf. With a LiTTle bell.

...oooh, ... here... it... comes...(Ding ding!)

Ha. What dO you thINk of T**HA**T, RhiAna? i stucK jEsus on a bIKe. I'll stIck him wheRever i want to. I'm preTTy damNed thouGhtfuL, 'cauSe A bikE is a heLL of a loT more comFortABLe than a croSs, righT? (Bet those spiKey-thingums hurT, too.)

OffenDed, RhIana?

JesuS won't smIte me bEcause I'Ve got tOO much peRsonaLity. SomEthinG you're sOreLy LacKing.

So sTop coNTactinG me. stoP senDing me PResents. StOp asKing me wHere i get my cLothes DonE and where I bUy my maKe up So you cAn go to tHOse stoRes on a wEEkend p**ass** froM Arkham to aSk the saLes peoPle how scaRy I was whEn I shopPed there.

...i'M the **JokEr**.

...I'M scAry. casE cLoseD.

You + mE = NeVer gonNa HaPPen

AnD sTop teLLing eveRyone aT Ark**ha**m t**ha**t you weRe my girLfrienD. I can **ha**Ve my picK of anY womaN in Got**hA**m I wanT. I'm a ceLebriteeeee. Do you reaLLy thiNK i'd chooSe to be wiTh you? A LiTTLe persPecTiVe heRe, pLeasE?

ChriSt on cRutcHes! (uH oh, Jesus feLL oFF the biKe. Ha.)

The **only** reaSon I diDn't kiLL you in Ark**Ha**m is t**ha**t I hoPed the sCouRge of your veRy preSence wouLd drIVe otheR inmAtEs to **ha**ng theMseLVes or seT thEmsElves on fiRe foR my enTertaInmeNt. If i eveR sEE you out of aRkham, I'm s**ha**rPening up mY kniVes on your FaCE, and I'm uSing youR bOdY as a piN-cusHion.

Go sTaLK sOmeoNe eLse. LiKE dR. JonnY CraNe. he reaLLy liKes it wheN peoPLe T**ouCH** hiM withOut peRmisSion. Ha haHa.

-jOker, dEus Magnus eLephantItis

bTw, sOon, more peoPLe wiLL sEE t**ha**t I'm a dieTy too, and pEOpLe Will be sPReaDing **ME** on cracKers in coLLoquial eXpresSions. MayBe even wIth gr**ape** jeLLy. Ha haHa ha. Yum.

* * *

_-4oC, 2009.07.16_


	12. Question 11

**QUESTION 11**

* * *

Dear Mr. Joker,

Help me! I know I'm not crazy, but everyone else seems to think I am. It's not even that bad, I don't go on a murderous rampage or anything, I just start laughing uncontrollably at really weird times. It's not my fault if I suddenly start cracking up at the end of 'Titanic' and can't stop. I thought that if anyone could help me, it would be you, 'cause people always call you crazy but you aren't. So, what should I do? I can't take much more of this!

Sincerely,

I'm Not Crazy

P.S. What happened to Ms. Grace?

* * *

- - - **REPLY **- - -

* * *

Ah, heh… hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii there, "I'm NoT Cra**zee**eee"...

...heh ha...HA ah Ha haha... hA... (kRa-Z)

You kNow w**ha**t? liFe is s**ho**Rt.

...(_VeRy_ sHort, if i'm iN the neIghboRHood…)

so Get your YucKs whiLe you can, tOOts.

hA haHa, i sAId "toot". ha haha TooT heh heh haaaaaaa... my neW word for tHe daY... (doEs anyone eLse thinK it looKs fun-eeee?) _tooooOoot..._

iRRevereNce is the c**h**e**aPEst** and beSt coMedy out theRe.

TaKe **fun**erals, for eXamPLe:

(you cAn't speLL "funeRaL" wIthouT "fUn")

looK at **aLL** the PeopLe bOO-Hooing becauSe old Grand**Pa** Joe finally kicKed the BuCket… then thiNk about the FaCT t**ha**t the beST cLothes he's weARing came fRom SeaRs. as he's Lying in t**ha**t buDget coFFin his famiLy sprang for, realiZe that he's beiNg buried in cLOThes bought aT the same StoRE wheRe he bought his wEEd w**ha**Ckers and bug zapPers. W**ha**ckITY w**hA**ck, zap ZaP!

TheN wonDer w**ha**t his wid**ow** wiLL do with All those hALf-used tuBes of PreparAtion H from his side of the MediCine cabinEt. seRiousLy. Is there a c**ha**riTy out theRe for people whoSe aSses have neeDs their waLLets can't satisFy? I woNder if those tUbes are given to the hOmeLess. They have ass-needs, too, yOu Know. TooT. Ha ha.

I inviTe you to do tHis: crash tHe **fun**eraL of any Man who dIed oLder than age 40. Look around at ALL the gRieF-stricken famiLy memBers, estEEmed business coLLeagUes and friends who tooK the time to paY their respecTs.

tHen, in the middLe of the eulogy, staNd up and ask, "Hey, did he eVer use t**ha**t plane tiCKet to T**ha**iLand, represenTing NAMBLA to recruIt more youNG players for 'thE Team'?"

Then, snAP a few phoTOs to caPture the occaSion: the faces of tHOse who don't KnOW w**ha**t NAMBLA is, along wiTh the facEs of those wHo do.

Ah, Kodak moMenTsssssss...

I thought Titanic was hYstericaL:

...biG boat.

...bIg oCEan.

...BiG fuc!# misTaKe. Ha

...iceBeRG! tOOt toot!

The pRobLem isn't t**ha**t you can sEe the humoR in w**ha**t's supPosed to be dramaTic and seRious. The PROBlem is t**ha**t oTheR peopLe can'T.

scREw 'em.

**hA**ve fun inSIde of your owN head, evEry c**ha**nce you get

tHe neXt ti**me** you see MaYor Gar-see-ah giVing a live speEch, wonder wHetheR or not he rememBered to Zip up his fLy after his "perSOnal **ass**istanT" bLew him to heLP relieve streSs. Ha haHa ha... uh, yeeeeeah. (tooT)

thiNk abouT how crushed and de**Vas**Tated the architEct of a downtoWn building wouLd be, if afTer the 2 yeaRs it took to buiLd it, someone bLeW it up on its oFFicial opening DAy to the **pub**L**ic**. Ha ha hahaHa.

ThinK about wHether or not the **BatmAN** **ha**d the foREsight to buiLd a backDooR escape **ha**Tch into his BatsuIt, on niGhts when a diNNer of refRied beaNs catches UP to him Qu**icK**er t**ha**n he thouGht it WouLd. Ha hahaHaha beeeeeeeeans ha tooT Haha

ha...BatBeans...

PictuRe someone's teRRified face as a kNife saws thRough the tenDer flesh of their chEEks, and know t**h**at if theY surviVe the in**Jury**, theY're disFigured for LifE.

_T__**ha**__t_ is comeDy.

Ha

ha

HA

geT out there aND heLp peoPle see the funNy side of LiFE.

Happy s**Las**hing, tooTs.

-JokEr

...(Toot!)

peE eSs: heRe's the cLiff noTEs version of w**Ha**t **ha**Ppened to Ms. gRacE: Eeeek! OooOops! cRacK! crUncH! CrAsh! sPLat!

Pee pEe Esssss: doN't knocK a muRDerous ramPaGe untiL you've actuaLLy gone on onE.

* * *

_-4oC, 2009.07.20_


	13. Question 12

**QUESTION 12**

* * *

Joker-

You are sick. I order you to show your cowardly face - fight me like a man, whatever you are. Coldly murdering countless innocent citizens, yet still laughing with inexistent remorse...I will not stand and watch while you destroy Gotham. I will find you.

And I will kill you.

Batman

* * *

- - - **REPLY **- - -

* * *

Ahhhhh…

Ha

Ha haaaaaaaaa...

...Ha

Ho hO heeeeEee! Ha HA!

...It's—

...it's—

(gasp!)

**the bAtmaN!**

oH! Oh! I'm so gidDy i don't Know w**ha**t tO say.

W**ow**!

GoLLy!

geE!

Oh! oh! oH! oh. oh... oh.

...oh. (yawn)

UmmmmMm... oKay, t**ha**t worE off fAst.

weLL...

hiYa, **BatBOOb**.

How'Re they **ha**Ngin', c**ha**mp?

WorD on the strEEt is, you raped the tOoth FaiRy. W**ha**t's uP with t**ha**t, homEy?

t**ha**t wasN't very pOLite.

in facT, that soRt of maKes you a DiCK, doesn'T it?

Lest you ForGet (yeah, LEsT!), you ARE a role-moDEL to the kidDies of GoThammmmm... diD you eVen use a BaT-CoNdom? onE with littLe piCtures of **bats** aLL over it?

waIt a minute, JusT how biG are **bat** PenisEs, anyway?

gOsh, come To thinK of it (ha! i said 'coMe' rigHt after I saId 'pEnis'), they probABly don't maKe cOndoms t**ha**t smaLL...

...wHich means yOu dIdn't USE a conDom...

HeaVens to muRgatroId! T**ha**t meAns you couLd **ha**Ve sired littLe Bat-Bas**tards**! (and thEy'd be 'tarDs, i HavE no douBt.)

W**ha**t wouLd the oFFsprinG of a faiRy and a **bat** be caLLed, anyway? A 'bairy'? a 'FaT'? Hmmm… w**ha**teVer it is, I beT the Bat-**BrA**t is gonNa be one ugLy tyKe. Are you goIng To be one oF those oBnoXIous p**a**re**nts** who puTs a bumPer sticKer on his Bat-MobiLe, decLaring t**ha**t hIs kid was 'stUdent of the moNTh' at PretenTious-pRicKs-R-Us ElemeNtaRy?

Jeez, now i'LL have to fInd some bRoaD to PoP out one of mY ponIes, so he can bEat up your KiD at schooL. Ha.

i aLso heaRd you kiLLed SanTa.

...and eviDentLy, you aTe the eAsteR BunnY, too?

Jeez, BaTman. Got a LittLe inferIority COMpleX you neEd to taLk to someone aBout? It sounDs liKe none oF the hoLiday chaRacters are saFe. I'd beTTer keEp on the LooKouT and waRn LeprechAUns on St. PatTy's daY t**ha**t you're on the pr**OWl**, so theY can guaRd their bacK dOOrs.

You LooK like the rOugh-'n'ReaDy type who doEsn't use LuBe.

(ow!)

Don'T be a BaT-Boob, use sOme bAt-Loob!

tHere, t**ha**t's mY adVice to YOU,** bATmAN**.

But aLL this maY be mOOt…

…Pardon my cYnicisM…

but are you _reeeeeeeeeeEeeally_ **batmAn**?

I mean, THE baTman?

The REAL BatmaN has ruLes, see. and I kn**ow** for a faCt t**ha**t he wouLd neVer kiLL me. i gaVe him t**ha**t c**ha**nCe.

Several timEs, in fact.

And he dIdn't take anY of themmmmmmmmMmm.

He didN't flaTTen me with hIs Bat-POd (vRoOm vrOom!), when i tauNTed him in the MiddLe of the strEet, as i sHot at iNnocent peoPLe driVing theIr cars.

He dIdn't **bash** my heaD to a puLp in the inteRrogatIon roOm, no maTTer how I prObed him aboUt his littLe trYst with the D.A.'s baBe. (Ha haHa she blew up BOOM)

And he DiDn't eVen let me faLL to my **death **off of a buiLding, afteR i trIed to bLow up two feRries fiLLed to the bRim with GothamiTes.

I'm beginNing to thInK...

...you Are an im**Pos**to**r**.

I shouLd tEll you:

**I don't liKe impOstoRs.**

i dOn't LiKE it when pEople try to pLay gaMes with meeeeeeeeeeeeee.

i cauGht a Bat-ImposTor once. we **ha**d ouRseLVes a littLe tête-à-tête in a meAt locker**. **He wOn't be impeRsonAting anYone again.

_eVeR_.

so here's a LittLe warning… if you're NOT the real BatMAN...

...and I fiNd **out**…

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

You're goiNg to bleEd from pLaces you didN't kn**ow** you couLd eVen bleeD from. BLEEEEeeeeeeeeeEeed.

I'll maKe it huRt, I promise.

i'm vEry, VERY good at inFLictiNg pAin.

**I'll maKe you sCream.**

And i'LL maKe it laSt longeR t**ha**n you thougHt it was hUmanLy poSsibLe to suFFer.

gEt? my? PoinT?

Oh, and iF you aRe the real **BatmAn**...

...(how dO i say thIs tactfuLLy?)...

You reaLLy coULd use somE deodorAnt. Your Bat-pits stInK, pal.

So for the loVe of all that's hol(e)y (Swiss cheese!), stoP at the DruG stoRe and picK up an anti-BatStink stick, m'kay? I'm sure you'd smeLL **smash**ing in Brut, you big bruTe, you. It's the EssEnce of Man, but i'M sure thEy'd maKe an exCeptioN and leT you wear iT, tOO. Ha haHaaaaaa!

-Joker

PosT sCript: Your deTEctive skiLLs sucK. I've loSt count of h**ow** manY **mo**n**Ths** i'Ve beEn out of ArkhAm. Not t**ha**t I'm compLaining, beCause the loNger i'm out, the moRe I get to prActice my **ha**Nd-to-**Ha**nD knife coM**bat **(rhymes with wom**BAT**) sKills on random citiZens in dark aLLeys (anD toMcat. rHymes with tomCat, buT i wouLdn't staB a tomcat. tHey don'T scrEAm loud enougH).

Pee Pee Ess: mAybe you sHouLd spenD more time LooKing for ME and leSs time rapIng fairies. But hey, maYbe that's how you swiNg, FruitBat. Ha!

* * *

_-4oC, 2009.07.25_


	14. Question 13

**QUESTION 13**

* * *

if this is really the Joker, What r u hiding under that ugly makeup? Clowns r gay anway. I bet i could kick you ass. My Dad says your just a crazy whack job who got molested or something.

–Jakob

* * *

- - - **REPLY **- - -

* * *

weLL, Well, **WeLL**.

.

.

.

.

tHIs was...

... a veRy

... sPiriTed

coh-LeCk-shun

...of coMmentsssssSs.

.

wELL, inDeeD.

Hmmmmm**mmm**mm.

**HeLL**o, JAkOb.

.

jaKoB.

.

heh heh Haha Jaaaay-cUb

mmMm hmm...

So...

sO youR dad saYs... t**ha**t i'M...

...a craZy

...w**hAcK** job

_...(liZZie boRden tooK an __**aXe**__ and gAVe her FathER forTy __**wHacKS**__ ...mY favorIte nurserY rhy__**Me**__)_

a CrAzY W**ha**ck jOb...

...wHo goT **moLestEd**, "or sOMethIng"?

Hmmmm…

Ahhhhhh ha haHaaaaa ha

Aha heh Heh

mm**mm**mMmm hmm.

…..

Well... JaKOb,

...the AnsWEr to t**ha**t is…

.

.

.

.

.

.

?

.

YeS

.

.

!

.

anD your dAD shouLd kN**ow**. bEcaUse

.

.

.

**hE** was tHe one

WhO moLesTed meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

...and...dO you KnoW w**ha**t he saiD to mE,

As he DID iT?

...?

...?

dO You kNow? (knOw, KNoW, knOw, no, no, no, nO, no, No)

He saiD to mE...

...hE sAid...

"i'm pRActicIng.

bEcauSe one dAy

WheN my own InFant son – JaKOb – gRoWs bIg enough to Get a fREsh mouTh on hIm

I'm disaBLing the LocK on his beDrooM dooR…

.

.

.

.

.

AnD i'm GoiNg to do **tHis**

...to _hIm_."

.

.

.

Ah, yep.

.

.

.

pLeasaNt dReams, CocKsucKeR.

-joKer

P.S. iF you fINd you'Re having pRObLems oveRcoming (oVercumMing) the gAg refLeX when dadDy shoVes his DIcK in a pLace you neVer tHOughT he wouLd, let me kNow. i'LL heLp you ovERcomE (OveRcuM) t**ha**t by **ha**Ving you feLLaTe some oF my kniVes, JakOb.

jAkob.

**J**a**Ko**B.

I don't LiKE the faCt t**ha**T your nAme BoRrows thr33 of tHe leTTers in mY name.

yOu're not woRthY.

I shaLL sTab you foR it afTer yoU give my KniFe a tonGue baTh. Ha haHa ha... you're f!#cKed.

* * *

_-4oC, 2009.07.28_


	15. Question 14

**QUESTION 14**

* * *

Dear Joker,

Do you hate mimes as much as I do?

Allan

* * *

- - - **REPLY **- - -

* * *

Ah.

you k**No**w, _aLLan, _this iS an **AdVIcE** coluMn, and noT a, "I'm-BoRed-so-i'LL-asK-ranDom-QueStions" coLumn.

...Do yOu know w**ha**t 'adVice' **me**ans, DuMbAss?

LeT me speLL it ouT for yoU:

.

.

.

.

**A**: as in, **AsK** a qUestion fOR whIch you nEEd cOUnseL on acTionS

**D**: as in, **DOn'T** wasTe my tI**me** with duMb quEstIons liKe thIs one

**V**: as in, **VeRy** FooLish of You to incLuDe youR rEtuRN addResS on tHe enVeLoPE

**i**: as in, **I** kNow wheRe you LiVe now... (anD locKs can'T keeP me out)

**C**: as in, **CraPPy** taSTe in beDrOOm décOr, you'Ve got there, aLLaN... eSPeciaLLy the 3 DooRs doWN pOsTEr aboVe the bLue-paInted woOden niGhtsTanD

**e**: as in, **EvER** thouGhT aBout w**ha**t it wouLd fEEl LiKe to **ha**Ve your **ha**nds naILeD to youR bEd's **H**e**a**dBOard whiLe your ToeS are saWed oFF oNe-by-onE?

.

.

.

.

i tHInk it wOUld bRoaDeN your duLLarD's horiZons TRemenDousLy to Find OUt.

I'll dRop by some eVening... aFTer beDDy-bye ti**me**.

oNce i'Ve naiL-GuNneD your **ha**NDs in pLace,

...i'LL geneRousLy use sOme of **my** fAce paInt

to doLL you uP

to LooK like

MarceL MarcEau.

tHen, I wiLL cuT off a FeW of the liTTle piGgieS on yOur right FooT.

(sQueeeeeeeeeEeeeal!)

**iF **you'Re aBle to sTaY siLent aFter I cut oFF two tOes...

...then...

i'll leT you KeeP the reMainIng ones.

Mmm hMm.

See… foR the reCoRD, i doN't **ha**Te mImeS.

They just…

…_DisaPpoInt_ me.

...BecAuse...TheY're suPpoSed to be siLenT...

but eVeRY one i'Ve EveR co**me** acRosS aLways EnDs up shRIeKing oNce my KniFe maKEs the FirsT sLice.

So

DisaPPointInG.

wiLL you eNd uP dIsappOIntinG me, AllAn, LiKe all tHe resT of the MiMes do?

LeT's Find ouT.

sTart deCiDing which End of the fOOt i sHouLd beGIn wIth: the onE with the PiggY goIng to marKeT… or the piGGy t**ha**t GoeS "weeE wEee WeEe" all the waY home.

youR cHoice, pRicK.

-joKer

* * *

_-4oC, 2009.08.14_


	16. Question 15

**QUESTION 15**

* * *

Dear Joker,

So there's this girl. I really like her and I'm fairly sure she likes me back. But. Neither of us can seem to say it outright. How do I get her to talk to me? To... ah, open up? I'm not big with the romantic thing and I figure you must have at *least* a little experience in that area. So, any advice?

3Love,

MissFantasticUnromantic

P.S.

I'm a huge fan and I'd gladly be your hench-wench if you ever decide to ditch Harley (even though I love her so). ;)

* * *

- - - **REPLY **- - -

* * *

Heh hEH. Ah... _amore._

...

(w**hA**t a wasTe of TiMe)

HeLL-o Miss**Fan**Tasti**CuN**nRoMan**T**ic,

So, you wAnt to GeT this girL's aTTention… mmmmMm?

...dOn't go tHe suBTLe route.

...Go Big.

ReaLLy **BIG**.

iN my eXperIenCe, few tHIngs graB a peRson's atTenTion LiKe an eXpLoSion boOm, BooM, bOOM

...(aLthouGh caLLing so**Me**one a **Ha**Iry saCK-SucKeR seeMs to TuRn **h**e**A**ds... hA ha)

and noThInG QuiTe says, "yOu'Re-the-onE-for-me-AnD-iF-i-can't-**ha**Ve-you-no-One-eLse-can" LiKe seLf-mUtiLatIon.

RigHt?

sO hEre's W**ha**t you Do:

. . ! . .

Uno: CuT your wRist. dEEp.

DeuX: wiTh the bLood, wRite the foLLoWing on a PIEce of paPeR: **I LiKe you. do You LIke mE? CheCk the boX:** (dRaw liTTLe cHeck box-thInGies neXt to each woRd for her To check.)

**Yes**

**No**

**MaYbe**

3: banDaGe your WouNd up pooRLy, and gO get yoURseLf a BaCkpacK (**ha**ck! WhaCk!), a LIghTer, an oLd cLoTH and a bottLe of WhisKeY.

Vier: Ask this GiRL to go For a waLK with you, doWn the highBrow (eyebRow?) sTreEt of SoloMon aVenUe in doWntown GothaM on a nIght wheN the weaTher is faIr. (bUt not iF the **Bat**-sPotlighT is on... beCause **BatbReath** miGht shOw up and ruiN the mOOd)

Tano: when you'Re out ToGetHer (To-**Get**-Her) on the siDewaLk, teLL her, "i waNt to shoW you so**me**thIng".

KusI: Set your bAckpaCk (sMack! CraCK!) down, puLL out the boTtLe of WhisKey and tAke the caP off. StiCk the cloTh in, light it wIth the LighTer, and thr**ow** it at the FiRst gOtham po**LIce** sQuad caR t**ha**t dRiVes by. (it won'T taKe long, beCause theY're aLWays paTroLLing the boo-teEk and jeWeLry disTriCt.)

sHEesT: sTand thEre a mOment to Let the **GlorY**(hoLe Haha) of the buRninG car reaLLy sinK in.

OcTO: Say to Her, "t**ha**t fiRe rePreSenTs my buRning deSire for You", or somEthing frouFrOu and fLoWerY LikE t**ha**t. (Wo**me**n love t**HA**t cRaP.) THen **ha**nd her youR Note aLonG wiTh a PeN. tELL her t**ha**t You wAnt her to ansWer The noTe. mEntiOn t**ha**t the noTe is wRItten in your bLooD, and puLL youR bAndAGes baCk to pRoVE iT.

. . ! . .

That's aLL theRe is to it. eAsy as Pie. (EasY as DiE.)

if she cheCKs the "Yes" boX, it's a maTch, and you Can LiVe the reSt of your nOndesCriPT LiVes toGetheR in some bOring suBurb in a RusTic CaPe cOD bunGaLow with mAtching GoLden RetRieVers fRoLICKing in the landScaPED baCkyArd. (Yawn)

iF she cHecks the "NO" bOx, teLL her t**ha**t waSn'T reallY an oPtioN, then Push her oNto the hooD of the buRNing car.

If sHe checks the "MayBe" box, jusT smiLe and teLL her yOU'll StaKe her - i mEan, _sTalk_ her - untiL she C**ha**nGes her minD to the aFfirmaTive.

...Of couRSe,

i'Ve neVER

**ha**d

to caRRy out anY of the afoRemeNTioned acTions.

(nOPe)

...bEcause WomeN dig me. i'm a chiCk magneT. (anD a BatMagnEt... hA Ha haaaaaAa)

...so iF you wAnt to be my HeaD henCh-WencH:

tAke a NumBEr, sWeeTHearT, and GeT in LiNe.

-JokEr

i goTs me soMe poWErful hyPNnotic GoNADs. YessUm, i dO. Heh hEh...

* * *

_-4oC, 2009.08.14_


	17. Question 16

**QUESTION 16**

* * *

Clown,

What in the HELL have you done to my current living arrangements? I returned home from a few days of business to see that all of the handles had been removed from my internal doors and replaced by severed crow's heads. Actually, I tell a lie, the heads weren't totally severed. I came to realise that you'd just pushed through what you could of the whole bird from the other side of the door and left it hanging there. Also, I still can't get into my bathroom as the lock is jammed! Thank you very much indeed.

Then, already furious, I paced around my living area. It was then I noticed that you've taken the time to pour sour milk into my carpets and left rotting seafood in the heating ducts. I assume that's what the smell is, otherwise perhaps the cook form Arkham has taken up residence at my premises as the smell is on par with her cooking. Yes, it's THAT bad.

Finally, and this is my personal favourite, I now know you painstakingly switched the lables on my simular looking chemicals. Would you like to know how I found out? Or would my lack of eyebrows answer your query?

So back to my original question, Clown. Why in the name of all things holy did you destroy my apartment?

Signed,

Dr. Jonathan Crane.

* * *

- - - **REPLY **- - -

* * *

Ummm…. i— I… uh,

urmPh… AaaAAGGgHH!

...Uh… oof! HrrgMm… oh, no nonoNo no no

Aw, **cRap**. Crap!

….

hoLdonaseci'LLberiGhtback…

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Hhhhhhhh… ooooohHhhfffff mmMmmrRRrrrrggg…

...M'kay, leT me wiPe my mOuth oFF.

S—sorRy, I juSt… I just

**ha**d to Run to the **BAT**hroOm for a mo**ME**nt.

See, when suDden BouTs of teRroR oVerCome me, i gEt naw-shussssss...

...And i thrOW uP.

But t**ha**t's noT w**ha**t **ha**pPened Just n**ow**.

oN the contRaRY, I LauGhed so **ha**Rd (HA hAha ha heE hO HA!) wHen i ReAd your leTTer t**ha**t the cHocoLate miLK I was dRinKing shot oUt of mY noSe.

**F**ort**un**ately I fouND a PaIr of boXerS near the **bAt**hrooM (baT! vrOom!) sInK to Wipe mY face oFF wIth.

So, wHere dId your **eYe**broWs go? Did tHey bOOk a fLighT on eXpedIa (DoT COM!) to CleveLanD, or diD theY fly oFf your fAce in a cHemIcal eXpLosion (BOOM) and sTicK to the ceiLing, liKe in the caRtoonS? Are thEy intact, but JusT sTuCk neXt to each oTher, forMing a **ha**Iry McDonaLd's "**M**"? Ha HA, emmm. Heh heh. maiL one oF 'em to Me. I'm sTaRting an eyeBRow coLLection. but i'm onLy cOlleCting LeFT eyebroWs. I **ha**Ve no use foR the riGht ones. Left OnLY. Got iT?

Hey, yOu know w**ha**T's unUsuaL abouT the boXers i wiped mY Face oFF wIth? tHey **ha**ve LittLe KerMit the FroG and foZzie BeaR fAces all oVer them.

SouNd fami**Liar**? It sHould, siNCe I tooK them fRom _your_ uNderWear drAwer, ScooTeR.

i aLso took The oNes with the TransForMers on tHem, anD the ones with Se**Ba**s**t**iaN the CraB from The LitTle MeRmaid. i gueSs t**ha**t's the onLy wAy yoU'll eVer **ha**ve cRabs on youR boxEr s**ho**rTs, since a PeNIS is a neCessaRy apPendaGe for the sPReadIng and receiVing of cRotch criTTerS. GiVen the abnOrmaLLy small siZe of these bOXers, theRe's clearLy no kIcksTand on yOur bicYcLe.

t**ha**t asiDe, I stopPed by your pLAce becauSe I misPlaceD my KnifE. i thougHt I mIght **ha**ve leFt it tHere WheN i broKe in the oTher niGHt. (I'Ve beEn sTeaLing into Your aPartMent on occAsion, unscREWing the caPs of your meDiCation in the **bat**H**room** meDiciNe cabInet and beLcHing into the BottLes. BeCause i can, t**HA**t's whY. Ha ha, youR piLLs are coVeRed with Joker buRps.)

So whiLe I waS there LooKing for mY kNife, I could senSe the neGatiVe ChI in your aBode. i tooK it uPon mYseLf to… ah, reaLign a FeW things. i'm dedUcing fRom the raTher hostiLe tOne of your leTter t**ha**t yOu didn't like the Feng ShuI deCoratinG pRincipLes I appLied to your PLacE. DraWing on my comManDing KnowledGe of the Bagua map, I coNcLuded t**ha**t Your fiRe eLement was lacKIng. T**ha**t's w**ha**t tHe cR**ow**s were For, since anImaLs are a conDucTor of that eLe**me**nt. You should t**ha**nk Me t**ha**t i didn'T leave liGhted mAtcheS in the DooRs insTead. JeeZ, you'Re unGratefuL, QueEr baIt.

As for tHe** bat**hrOOm… I Just HAD to JAm the dOor. the VIsion oF you usIng the **pub**(L)**ic **reSTroOm in the LoBby of youR aPartmenT buiLding maKes me bREak out in FitS of lAughTer. CarefuL w**ha**t yOu touCh in there, Jaw-KneE. The cRack hEads and whoRes who tuRn triCkS on t**ha**t toiLet don't aLwaYs wash theiR **ha**nDs after uSing The faciLities.

...It sounDs LiKe you **ha**Ven'T looKed in the sEcond dRaWer of yOur nigHTstAnd yeT.

Heh hEh.

Oh, anD waTCh your fIngeRs the neXt ti**me** you Go into youR frEeZer to geT a sacK of froZen PeAs... theY might tOuch so**me**tHing t**ha**t usEd to bE conNecteD to a neCk.

bY the wAY, roTTen seaFooD isn'T the onLy thing i PuT in the hEating duCts. i lEft a few otHEr...

...rOOmMaTes

tO keeP you comPanY. yoU liKe cockRoaches, righT? (SuRe, eVeryboDy does.) As faR as i KnoW, noThing can KiLL theM. BuT i'M suRe they'Ve neveR spenT an eVening talKing to YoU. tHe naSallY sound of yOur sAnctImoniouS voiCe shouLD send their liTTle feet ScurrYing to thE neareSt roAcH moTeL, begGinG for the sWeet reLease of dEath from sO unBearaBLe a suFFerinG.

WhY are you mOaniNg aBout your cHemiCaL lABels beIng switChed? LaBels are oVerRated, and theY take the **fUn** out of liFe. It's moRe fun iF you doN't know w**ha**t's coming neXT!

Do you sEe

w**ha**t

...i'm dRiVing at?

I'm onLy trYing to heLP you Out, paL, tRying to get You to Man-uP a bit. FaCe it, JonNy:

you'Re a PusSy.

A cLenched-asS, seXuaLLy repRessed, nineTy-fiVe pouNd eFFeminate tooL, tryinG to chanNeL his inner tWat by weaRing a BurLap poTAto sacK on hIs head.

I **me**aN, cO**me** on! ...a PotAto sacK?

whY wouLd you think t**ha**t's reMoteLy friGhtenIng? Why noT at LEast glue so**me** oRanGe and Red cardBoaRd fLa**me**s to tHe siDes, to tRy to mAKe it a skosh BaD-asS? ExpRess the **cLoset flAmer** wIthin, just (s)wIshinG to gEt OuT.

MayBe so**me**how poTatoes are fRighteNing to You, anD you'Re trYing to pRoJect t**HA**t feaR onTo otheRs. W**ha**t wouLd **ha**Ve cauSed such tuBeR-indUced tRauma? WeRe you gaNg-rAPed by a reNegaDe pacK of FrenCh fRies in your YouTh? I don't GeT it.

Let mE Put it in sIMple tErMs for you, JonNy-boY: the cuRRent looK you **ha**Ve goINg? Not intiMidAting. NoT coMmanDIng of resPecT or aWe. NOT.

**Ha**Ve you eVer seeN an ePIsode of "FraSieR"? iT's aBout soMe wiShy-wasHY psYchiAtrist brotHerS named **CRANE** (coinCidencE? i thiNk nOT), and yOu're liKe thE LonG-loSt thiRd brOther: a tRifecTa of PompouS niNNies, eAch moRe pAtheTic t**ha**n the LasT. foR crYing OuT loud, You maKe Niles cRanE looK buTch. SeRiousLY. you'Re so fReakIn' skiNnY, when yOu've Got the potato SacK over yoUr head, you LOok liKe a Blow-PoP. And wiTh it oFF, you loOk Like a taMpOn with ReadIng gL**ass**es.

Since i'm iN the AdVice BusIneSS now (I'm a pRofeSsionaL!), I'm GoiNg to giVe you so**me** muCh-Needed cOunseL:

FirSt, stoP your bItchinG and take the **ha**Zing like a mAn.

SecoND, you'Ve got to PicK one side oF the FencE or the oTher, JonNY. EithEr embRace the hOmO withIn and gO aLL **out** (LiTerally), or add sOme cReatIne to your dieT, hire a peRsonaL trainer and TaKe a more ResPectabLe staB (kniFeKnifekNife) at MasCulinE viLLainY.

Get LaiD, for cHrisT's saKe. bY a wOMan.

You'Re jusT… weLL, emBarrassing to tHose of Us who ARE bad-aSS vILLains. ThERe. It **ha**d tO be saId.

CheCk in wiTh me aGain aFTer you'Ve given thIs some thouGht, oKaY, jOnnY? tHere. t**Ha**t's my aDVice, SaSSafR**ass**.

-JokEr

Pee Ess. If you trY To coPy MY looK in so**me** Way, in your QueSt to fiNd yourself (QueEr qUesT!), I'll fiLet the sKin froM your neCk LiKe an appLe rInd, and use iT to liNe my socK draWer.

P. P. S. UmmmmMmm...

You knoW t**ha**t

sTicky,

"soUr miLk" you tHInk I pouRed on the CarPets?

...iT **waSn't** soUr mILK...

I waS just reaLLy, reeeeeeeeeaaaallllly **hapPy **to be in your aPartmenT. Heh heH.

Germs, geRms, joKeR sPerm.

* * *

_-4oC, 2009.08.17_


	18. Question 17

**QUESTION 17**

* * *

Dear Mr. J,

My name is Esther. I guess I have a problem. When I was 12 I killed my parents and was put up for adoption. Sooner or later a happy couple adopted me and then I killed their daughter. Now they think I'm crazy and want to admit me to Arkham. You've been there. Should I go or keep acting like an innocent little girl?

Esther

* * *

- - - **REPLY **- - -

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EmpLoYing my mAc-DadDY math sKills (i Got maD s**KiLLz**), my TaLLy is:

EstHer: **3**

inNocent CiViLians: **0**

You're oFf to a gOOd start, KiD.

noW i recom**Me**nd tAKing your gA**me** to the neXt leVeL. AnYone cAn KiLL anoTher pERson.

...but it's a tRue art to LeaVe somEoNe to ROt in a LifetIme of ruiN.

T**HA**T is a s**KiLL**.

yOu can StaRt **ho**NIng youR taLents Now. foLLoW my aDvice

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to

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tHe

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leTTeR.

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**NO** deViations.

...unDeRstanD?

StoP by the homeLEss sheLter on 53rd and ChaUceRY. It's run bY FathEr GeOrge. (he's Not a pRiesT, but eVerYone caLLs him FatHEr.) He's an eX-PeaCe-coRps (Peas CorPse?) voLunteEr wHose deDication to heLping the indIgent has siNgle-**ha**Ndedly saVed hundREds of the **ho**meLess from sTarVing or dYing each yEar on The streEts of gOthaM. (i wOndeR w**ha**t he doEs wIth the oTher **hA**nd. heh HaHA)

Go in and AsK at LeaSt FouR wo**me**n (nOt meN, eSTHer) where FathEr GeoRge is. wHen they pOInt you to hIm, asK to sPeak to him **in pRiVate**. WeAr so**me**thIng Bright so SeVeral peoPLe will sEe you go iNto his ofFice with hiM, **aLone**. mAkE sure the dOOr is cLoseD.

TelL him hE's doing a sWeLL job at his voLuntEer worK. teLL him you AdmiRe him, and wAnt to aRrange a fOrmaL interView with him lAter in the wEEk for a GirL ScouT ProJect. (saMoas tAgaLongs YumMy) ThEn eXcuse youRseLf cAsuallY, saYing you'Re late meEting your mOm at the buS sTop.

...cLose the dOor to hIs ofFice beHind you,

theN Run aWay FroM his offICe as fAst as yoU can.

wHimPer lOudlY. loOk liKe you're terRified. Make eYe contAct with aT leaSt one of the wO**me**n you sPoKe to earLIer. goT it, eSther?

TheN geT on the buS and taKe it a feW miLes south on the bLUe liNe. Get ofF neXt to the aBandonEd teXTiLe mill off of TraVerSe StreeT. There's a homeLess man who sLeEps in the cuLVert neXt to it, doWn by the riVeR.

_Find hIm._

He's a bIt oRnerY, esPecIally iF you sWipe his BottLe of gIn. t**hA**t's w**ha**t you're goInG to do.

you'Re goinG to

YanK it

rigHt out of hIs **ha**nds, and call him a

...whIno faGgot

beFore you TuRn arouNd, benD oVer and stICk your** ass** ouT at hiM, and daRe him to **kIck** you as **ha**Rd as he can.

Then,

_LeT_ HiM...

But dOn'T

droP

the boTtLe.

TuRn to Face hiM, and waVe the BotTle in his direction. teLL him hE can **ha**Ve it baCk, if he's a fAst enouGh sacK of hOrse dUNg to hit you acRoss the fACe.

BraCe for the hIt,

and

tAKe iT. (wE all **hA**ve to suFFer for ouR aRt, EstHEr.)

tHen, droP the BotTle and run.

ruN, liTtLe EsTher, rUn.

Run riGht to the BUs and taKe it to the GothAm Po**Lice** sTation.

tHe riDe is JusT long eNouGh for the BruIses to aPpeaR on youR boDy.

TeLL theM t**ha**T you wEnt to the homElesS sheLTer to voLunteer, tO maKe moMMy loVe you, sInce youR siSter dIed. tEll thEm t**ha**t FathEr GeOrge wantEd to DO THINgS to you in hIs office. Tell tHeM he hIt you on yOur bottOm wheN he couLdn'T get his **ha**Nd in your unDerweaR. tell theM he sLappeD you aCroSs the face When you tOld him he wAs huRting you. TEll thEm you weRe onlY abLe to run whEn he **ha**d to Use boTh **ha**nds to uNdo the ZipPer of his panTs.

And tHen, cover yOur face wiTh your **ha**nDs, and cry.

AsK them W**ha**t the wOrd "Fuh-lay-sho" meaNs.

SaY it sloWly, like You're nOt sure iF t**Ha**t was What the woRd sounDed LiKe, siNce fAthEr GeoRGe onLy saId it once.

t**Ha**t is my aDvicE to yoU, Esther.

FathEr George will be goinG awaY for a whiLe afTer t**ha**t (bYe ByE). His rePuTation will… weLL, it will taKe a bIt of a hit, aS the wOmen iN the sheLter wiLL pRedicTablY comE to tHe defEnse oF a liTtLe giRL as eYe-wItneSseS. hE'll be QuiTe poPulaR in gEn pOp in pRison, wiThouT a dOubt. tHey'Re quIte fonD of aCcuseD chiLd moLesteRs.

yoU wiLL **ha**ve eFFectiVely ruineD that man's LiFe. ha Ha

hA

HaHA

**HA**

...anD his won'T Be the onLy one. HeH heh.

The hOmelesS sheLter wiLL cLOse, manY of the ho**mE**less Will eiTher starVe or DiE from the eLemeNts when the coLd wEather co**me**s, and so**me** wiLL reSort to mugGinG innoCent ciTiZens in their deSPeraTion. mOre cRime. morE hoPElessNess.

LiVes wilL be rUined. hoPes and aSpiRations cRusheD.

anD no oNe will suSpecT a cHild.

tHis shouLd pOint you in The riGht directIon, esThEr.

-joKer

iF i dOn't rEad aBout c**Ha**rgeS beIng fiLed aGainst faTher geOrge in thE pApers, i'LL knOw you sCreweD up soMehow, anD I'll sLice you Up for yoUr incOmpetEnce. tHen it'S bacK to the oRphanAge you Go, eSther (ta Ta!), beCause no OnE wanTs an uGly, sCarrED aDopTed **b**R**at** rUining thEir oTherwiSe aTtractiVe faMily phOtos.

* * *

_-4oC, 2009.08.19_


	19. Question 18

**QUESTION 18**

* * *

:

I am completely and utterly in LOVE with you. So much so that I have rewarded my (our) darling newborn son with your name. I've died my hair green, and I try really hard to wear messy make up. So we can be TWINS, see? TWINS!

WILL YOU MARRY ME PLEASE SO THAT I CAN DITCH MY MANWHORE OF A HUSBAND?

With so much love that it leaks from my pores,

Mary Sue

P.S.- I have your knife, and I really...really...love...it...

* * *

- - - **REPLY **- - -

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ThIs is w**HA**t **ha**pPens

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...to peOpLe

who tHinK t**hA**t it's so**me**How

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**cuT**e

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to **FuCK** wiTh Me

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my

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**LOCAL SHOP OWNERS FIND BODY IN DIPLAY WINDOW**

**Unknown woman may have ties to Arkham Asylum**

By Marcus Fowler

Gotham Herald Correspondent

Owners of the costume shop Alter Ego found the body of a woman in the main display area of the store yesterday morning, marking Gotham's fortieth homicide this month.

Store owner Jermaine Prattner and his wife Louise made the discovery an hour before the store opened. Prattner found the woman's body propped up among mannequins in the front window, facing pedestrian traffic on 139th Street, in The Narrows.

"When I walked to the front of the store, I sensed immediately that something was off with the display," Prattner said. "There was one-too-many mannequins in the window."

The woman was dressed in an Old West saloon girl outfit, propped up at a card table where male mannequins dressed as cowboys were arranged to simulate a poker game. "The Dresden Theater just down the block has been running John Wayne movies all week, as part of an Old Westerns movie marathon," Prattner explained. "We decided to piggy-back on that theme for our main window display."

Gotham Police would not allow any further details about the crime scene to be released.

Some pedestrians who gathered before police arrived claimed to have seen facial wounds similar to a 'Chelsea grin' on the deceased woman's face.

One eye witness shared what she saw. "Yeah, I seen it before the cops covered the scene up from view. She had, like, those scars next to her mouth. Like the Joker? There was a lot of blood on her face. And on her body. It looked like she had been stabbed lots." The witness declined to give her name.

Her friend, who also requested anonymity, concurred. "At first, it just looked like a bunch of dummies sitting at a card table, dressed like cowboys and stuff, playing poker. All of them were holding cards, including the woman. But it looked wrong. All her cards were facing the window, so people could see them. They were all Joker cards."

"She had one of those hospital bracelets on her wrist," said a man, who also declined giving his name. "Bright orange, like they have at Arkham. I know I saw green strands of hair that the wig didn't cover up completely. I think she had dyed her hair green."

"This store is now the scene of a homicide investigation," said Detective Stephens, from Gotham's Major Crimes Unit. "We're still gathering facts and collecting evidence. We won't make any formal announcements to the public until we've finished." When asked if there could be any connection to the Joker, he declined to comment.

Stephens was present at the MCU when the Joker made his deadly escape last year, taking with him an alleged accountant to the Mob, whose body was later found burned in a warehouse at the East Wharf.

Prattner said the store will open up for business as soon as the police have concluded their investigation. "Sick thing is, a crime like this will probably draw more people into our store. It inspires a sort of morbid fascination."

When asked if he thought there could be a connection to the Joker, Prattner visibly shuddered. "I hope to God not. Whatever happened to that girl, she suffered. And we live right upstairs," he said, pointing to the second-story windows. "No alarms ever went off. We didn't hear a thing."

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wHen i fiNished with hEr, loVe wasN't the onLy thIng leaKing from MarY sUe's PoRes.

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i gOt my knIfe bacK, and

I goT

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the

LaSt

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LauGH

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i aLwaYs do

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Ha

ha

**HA**

* * *

_-4oC, 2009.08.22_


	20. Question 19

_i wAnt everYonE to LooK at wHat KicHi did... it'S a piCtuRe of ME viSiting jOnny's pLace. JusT deLetE the sPacEs to VieW it._

_heH heh. Me mE me. iT's me._

_i LiKe piCtureS of ME._

**http:/ Kichisama666. /art / Joker-germs-for-4ofcups-134319270**

**QUESTION 19**

* * *

Dear Joker,

As per this time of year, several of my parent's friends are over to party for the Fourth of July weekend. Personally, I hate being in large crowds, especially with people I hardly know. Unfortunately, my mother does not seem to understand this and continually drags me out to "socialize". In reality, all that ends up happening is a lot of awkward silence and staring. What can I do to stop my mom from forcing me to meet her friends without being mean. I don't want to hurt her, or any of her friends', feelings.

Love,

Anti-social

* * *

- - - **REPLY **- - -

* * *

Heh hEH.

aaaaaaaaahhhhhh...

HeLLo, aNti-sOcial.

hOw Re**FResh**iNg it Is to oNce AgAIn reCeIVe a letTer fRom a reAdeR

...who uNderStanDs t**ha**t tHis iS

an adVicE coLumn.

tHe LasT reaDer... LEt's JuSt say, she dIdn'T reaLLy unDerstanD the _pOint_

_._

_._

untiL she

...uNdersTood

mY **PoINt**.

HaHA ha Heh. Yeahhhhh...

Poin_**T**_. KnIves maKe GoOd pOiNts. Mmmm hmmMm.

... SoooOo,

You arE aCtuaLLy seeKinG aDviCe.

i reAd your LeTter, and aGree t**hA**T yoU are, indEEd, a lost ReaDer in NeeD of di**(e)-RecTion**. ForTunaTeLY, i'm HeRe to heLp. BecAuse I'm t**ha**t tyPe of guY.

oKAy, Ant-eYe-SeW-sHawL: I nEed to sTRaiGhten you oUt, HeRe.

FiRst and fOreMoSt,

(SPEaKInG of foRemOst FourmoSt 4mosT… #4 is the MOST imPortaNt pooL BaLL on the taBLe, bEcauSe iT's the PurPLe bAll. It's mY BaLL! JoKer baLL. RememBer t**ha**t the neXt ti**me** you pLaY PooL. Go easY on My bAll with T**ha**t poINty sticK!)

iF you Don'T mInd mY saying sO,

(PooL PoooooOol. Hmm… a ga**Me** t**ha**t **ha**S you sLide the s**ha**Ft of a gIant _phaLLus_ thRough yOur _finGers_ as you _PoKE_ at a _BaLL_ t**ha**t you tRy sinK into a _HoLe_ to LanD in a _saCk_. i'LL let youR FreuDIan minds Run wiLd inTerPReting the cRoTch sYmboLism t**ha**T aBounDs in t**ha**t one. Ha hA, crOtch.)

it souNdS Like you're veRy sensItIve, ParTicuLarly when iT co**me**s to otHers' feeLinGs.

KnoCk t**ha**t off.

NOW.

...WorRYing about wHethEr you're keePing eVeryoNe in a pLAce of waRm fuZzY feeLings is a WasTe of tI**me**.

Be**haVI**or LiKe yours is A sYmpTom of w**ha**T's wRong with soCietY.

...(cuRe the iLL, sWallOw a Pill)

toO many pEoPle lacK the cou**raGe** to teLL the tRuth. theY just g**Ho**st thRough tHeir oWn LiVes, with a faLse smiLe on theIr faces, LauGhing at otheRs' staLe JokEs, perpETuating the stiFLing sOcial consTRuctioNs t**ha**t sCReW everYone up to BeGin with. Too ManY in GoTham are SiCk

...(SocIEty's sicK, neeDs a nEEdLe pRick)

with tHe FeaR of s**ha**tTeriNg conVenTions and DisPLeasing oThers. ThE peOpLe-pLeasing fRa**me** of miNd you **ha**ve isn't wORth a daMn. TheSe sAme pEople whose deLICate sensibiLitiEs you're coNcernEd aBout offenDing would cRusH you undeR their FeeT as they scRAmbLed from a buRning buiLding. TheY Don't care aBout you, anY more t**ha**n yOu preTenD to caRe about thEm.

So sToP preTenDing to caRe.

...It's eVery mAn for himseLF out tHere. you'D beTTer LeaRn t**ha**t nOw.

as FoR the aVoiDance of cRowDs,

you'Re lOOking at tHis aLL wRong:

LarGe cRowds aren't somEthing to dRead. MeeTing new peoPLe can be tHe besT part of My day. (I ALWaYS make an iMPressIon.) It souNds Like you'Re inSecuRe, beCause you dOn't know W**ha**t to taLk aBout.

T**ha**t's eaSY. i've got so**me** suGgestIons t**ha**t yOu can pRactIce with, and You'LL be a HiT in anY soCial situaTion.

**i **aLwaYs am,

and I wouLDn't stEEr you wRong, WouLd i?

...(wooD eye. BeTter a Wood eYe t**ha**n a gL**ass** JaW)

I can'T be ceRtaiN from YouR leTTer if yOu're a giRL or a QueEr guY. (a StrAIght guY wouLd neVeR asK such a puSsY QuestIon.) to coVer aLL baSes, I'll giVe you eXamPLes for BoTh genDer consiDeRations.

HeRe are soMe conVersAtion staRterS to use, aFter your MoM's out of eaRshot (bAng!).

.

.

.

If you'Re a girL:

"do yoU kNoW if tHere's anOther good SourCe of poTasSIum besiDes banAnas? I'Ve been cRamPing fRoM thE PosT-aBorTion meDication the cLinic **ha**s me on, aNd i heARd pOtasSium heLPs."

"I diDn't get tHe coLLege sChoLarshiP I apPLied foR, but i'Ve got a sUre-FiRe bacK up pLan. I staRTed my peRiod on tUesDay, and I sO**me**how manaGed to sTain a maXi PaD so t**ha**t it LooKs eXactly LiKe Ed AsneR. I'm gOing to seLL it on eBaY and maKe a mInt. wAnna see iT?"

.

iF yoU're a bOy who enJoYs ass-sPeLunKing:

"I don'T know WhY mom's stiLL Mad at me. I mEan, i waShed her bRa and ThoNg aFter she cauGht me masTurBating whiLe weaRing them, so i wAs beIng reSPectfuL, right? At BibLe camp lAst sumMer, the minisTer showed us t**ha**t it's heaLthY for boys to eXperiMent with tHeir femiNine siDes. I waS onLy doiNg w**ha**t GoD wanTs me To."

"Is it JuSt me, or is BruCe WaYne absoLuteLY the most scRumpTious DeLectabLe to co**me** ouT of the PaLisaDes? i beT you couLd bouNce a QuaRter on t**ha**t ass of hIs. It's **ha**rD finDing a GooD tiGht ass theSe days. God kNows i've looKed higH and Low and dEEp."

.

Use oNe of thEse iF you're a giRL OR a fLamIng maLe hoMo:

"Doesn't my MoM looK heaLthY? yeah, the sAlloW hue of HeR skIn is FinaLLy fading. Her bouT with HePatitis C has bEen pretty **ha**Rrowing. i WarNed her aBout t**ha**t taTtoo parLor, but she wAntEd to coMmemoRate her CariBbean FLing with TaRiq. Dad doEsn't knoW."

"HeLp me out, i cAn't asK my Mom thIs: afTer I giVe a bLowJob, is it Best to poLitely eXPeL the mouThfuL into a tIssue, or sHouLd I JusT sWaLLow? MayoR GarCia maDe me swalloW, but it dIdn't tAste veRY gOOd. i tHink he'D **ha**d aSparaGus for dinNer."

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tHerE.

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I thINk we can oFFiciallY check the cHecKboX:

ProBLem wiTh mOM foRcinG you to taLk to heR FrieNds - **SOLVeD**.

DamN, i'm gOOd.

and I'm feeLinG Like PlaYing a SpiRIted game of pOoL. i liKe kNoCKing T**ha**t puRPLe bAll into the bLack one (BAT one) as **ha**Rd as I cAn. Ker-POW!

-jOker

* * *

_-4oC, 2009.08.22_


	21. Question 20, Part 1

**QUESTION 20, PART 1**

* * *

Dear Joker,

This letter is brought to you from the computer labs of Arkham Asylum, as the havoc you wreaked on Jonathan's apartment attracted the notice of the other tenants as well and, long story short, the GPD was competent, for once. (I don't know why you feel the need to torment my other half this way. He thinks it has to do with over-compensating for your own issues, whereas I'm inclined to think you're a bastard).

Anyway, onto the advising portion. I am, as you know, an Arkham inmate, and have been having issues as of late with a fellow patient, let's call him "Jokester." (That's you.) Currently, he's out of the asylum and persuing a career in journalism, but I know it's only a matter of time before he's back in the neighboring cell, driving me mad with his nonstop monologues on chaos, society, and cottage cheese, intermittent with his love poetry to the Batman and soliquies on his own "beauty," as he delusionally views it. All mixed with incessant giggling. I can handle this but Jonathan's not so good at it, and I want to know how you'd advise me to shut the clown up before my other half loses touch completely. I already share my home with madmen, I'm not letting the bedlam into my mind as well.

Sincerely,

Scarecrow

PS: How on God's green earth are you having these things published? Especially in this format? I'm honestly curious.

* * *

- - - **REPLY **- - -

* * *

weLL, lOOk who

sh**ow**ed UP

as sOon as jOnnY Boy got my re**PL**y and ran aWay like the cOwarDly

...siSsy

...t**ha**t he is.

w**Ha**t a suRprisE.

**NoT.**

iT's the gReat and MigHty...bUrlaP bAg,

AKA sCareCRow.

oooooooooOohhhhh, scaRy. (YaWN)

**Ha**s anYone eVer toLd you or JonNY t**ha**t when hE wears a

...PoTato sAck

on hIs head

he JuSt ends up looKing Like an

uP-side-doWn taLKing scRotUM?

sEriousLy. i **ha**Ve to figHt the urge to scRatch my baLLs everY time i see it.

i woNder if it **hA**s the same eFfect on **BAT**maN. i doN't thiNk he can sCratCh his BAlls thRougH his bATsUit. In fAct, he- waIt a minute...

...t**hA**T couLd be an eFfectiVe deteRRent.

hMmmmm...teLL you w**Ha**t: neXt time i'M out on the toWn, bLowing thinGs up and caRving **ha**PPy faces onto pEople, i'LL take you wiTh me. if bAtMAn shows uP, i'LL turn you tO face him. wHen he seeS your sCratchy-looKing baLL sack for a fAce,

he'LL pRobaBly feeL the need tO iTch somEthing. sOmething he caN't get to veRy easiLy.

as hE's diStractEd, looKing for somepLace to disrObe where an inNocent granDmoTHer won't acciDentallY see his Bat-SchLonG, i'll ContiNue on my

mErry way,

maIming, kiLLing and dOing what I do bEst.

Ah... yep. TheN i wiLL proBably

ppppppppppppppppppppp...prgthml, fffffpt... um, oops.

See T**hA**t?

yoU're jusT so BorING t**ha**t i feLL asleeP on my keYboarD. iS t**ha**t your otHer suPer viLLain power, hmmm? wHen you'Re not maKing meN scrAtch their JeWel baGs, you bOre them to sLeep?

...

i nEEd to waKe up, if I'm going to fInisH what i Have to saY to you.

there are a feW... uh,

_maTters_ thAt i wiLL adDress with _you_

DirectLY.

...LATeR. rIght after i gEt

bAck.

I'm headInG out to roB the KorEan convenIent stoRe down the bLock, beCause i wanT some raSpberRy ZingeRs. i nEed a sUgar jolt to waKe me uP, so you doN't bore me bAck to La LA laNd.

buT befOre i leaVe, and bEfore I

satIsfY _your_ cUriosiTies, i wanT

YoU

to saT-is-FY (**Ba**t-is-wHY) a curiosity

of _mine_.

m'Kay?

Heh heh...

...aaaaaahhhhh...heh

Ha Haha HA

hAhaHa

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heRe goes:

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wHen i was in aRkhAm, in a ceLL nexT to jOnny, he uSed to

waKe up

scrEaming

in tHe middLe of the niGht.

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sHrieKing aBout the

**BAT**

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seeMs t**Ha**t dR. crAne has a littLe

iSsue

with BaTs. (fRaidy CAT afraId of the BAT)

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so heRe's my qUestion:

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**\XXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXX\...^...^.../XXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXX/**

**\X/...\XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXX\...|OXO|.../XXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX/...\X/**

**\XXXXXX/...\XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX X XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX/...\XXXXXX/**

**\XXX/...\XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX X XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX/...\XXX/**

**\X/...\XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX X XXXXXXXXXXXXXX/...\X/**

**\XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX X XXXXXXXXXXXXX/**

**\XXXXXXXXXXXX X XXXXXXXXXXX/**

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Did JonnY just peE hiS panTs?

Ha haHa HA!

-jOker

Don'T think i'm done with yOu yeT, sNorecrow. i jUst neeD a sugaR fix firsT. mmmMm, refIned sugaR and reD dye #3. my FavoriTes.

* * *

_-4oC, 2009.08.26_


	22. Question 20, Part 2

**QUESTION 20, PART 2**

**JoKer's Note: **hAppY biRThdaY to kitteN! i'm sneaKing inTo youR rOOm tonight to hIt on You as mY pReseNt. i waNt to see youR scars, toO. heH heh.

* * *

Dear Joker,

I am the imaginary friend of a man we'll call... "Foreskin Face". Foreskin Face secretly worships an acquaintance of ours, whom we'll call "Jokester". (He's the coolest guy this place has ever seen!) Foreskin Face likes to pretend that the sporks in the Arkham Asylum's cafeteria are Jokester's knives, and he uses them to terrorize Louie, the semi-catatonic man who wants to grow up to be a centipede. It's really embarrassing to be his invisible friend, but since I'm a figment of his imagination, there's nothing I can do. The only time I get to make a physical appearance is when Foreskin Face feels insecure about his manhood (which is nowhere near the size of Jokester's). He compensates by creating me: he puts a symbolic testicle sack on his head. That's really all I am. Just a nutsack with a voice.

Here's the problem: Foreskin Face is fascinated by Jokester, but knows he's not smart enough to understand all of his grand ideas. Quite simply, he lacks in intellectual prowess. His self-esteem sinks every time he hears the brilliance of Jokester's words, and he really doesn't want to listen to them anymore, because it makes him feel all the dimmer. How can I advise him to overcome his inferiority? (It's not a complex if it's a fact.)

Hugs and snuggly bears,

Scarecrow

* * *

- - - **REPLY **- - -

* * *

i, uh, tooK the liBerty of rePrinTing your oRiginaL letteR, so the goOd readers of gOthaM can seE w**ha**t i'M resPondinG to. iT's slightLy ediTed, but thE conTent is sTill prettY much the sA**me**.

Heh… ha **Ha**ha… ah… heh…

Yeeeeaaaahhhhh….

So, i'm BaCk from the conVenIent store. t**Ho**se KoreAns never faiL to aMusE me. I'Ve roBbed t**ha**t sTore, liKe, seVen times in thE laSt ten moNths, and iT's juSt been one maDcAP adventure aFter anotHer.

...SackcRow you shouLd haVe been tHere. it Was a siGHt.

**Ha**ve you eVer watched a reTaRDed kid at DisneYLand when so**me**one waLKs by weaRing the GooFY cosTu**me**?

ha HaHA

heAd out to AnaheIm, kicK your heeLs up on a BenCh and enJoY the sh**ow**. Or, JusT watch me RoB Mr. PaK's store.

(...SiX of one, haLf a DoZen of the other...)

EitheR scenaRio will inVoLve uninteLLigiBle shrieKing, arm fLaiLing, foOd-throWing, loss of bLadder contRoL, and reallY unfLatteRing orthoPEdic (but comFY!) shoEs. aNd theRe's usuaLLy a sTePped-on package of Tastee KaKes in there someWhere, toO.

The hiJinKs started toNight when i waLKed in and saw GReat-GranDma Fu PeE Pak at the counTEr, right behInd the DoLLy MadIson sNack dispLay. i coVered my mOuth, kIssed my paLm and threW it her waY with a reSounding sMacK: "MwAH! Who loVes ya, baBy?"

(heRe's where yOu cue the hIgh-pitcheD unintelligibLe shrieKing, arm flailing, foOd-thr**oW**ing, loSs of bLadDer contRoL, and orthoPedic shoEs)

GranDpa Kok Pu Pak came aFter me with a

...bRoom

from the stoReroOm, because GrandMA PinG PooP PaK still can'T fiGure out h**ow** to Load an AmerIcan-made shoTgun. (She cRies a lot, and iT's funnY.) GrandPa dIdn't make it doWn the aisLe because he tRippeD on the oVerturned cAns of PringLes. UncLe

Dik...

...Pik

Pak

materialiZed out of noWhere (i thinK he sLeeps on the sheLf with the incontiNence paDs), wieLding so**me**Thing that looKed like nuMchucKs, but he accidenTallY cLocked cousIn Lo Sak Pak in the bAck of the noggiN' as he sPun them in the aiR.

The imPortaNt tHing is,

I graBbed my

... raspberry ZingeRs

and spLit.

i Came. i sAw. i pRovoKed. aNd it was GooD.

...i liKe proVoKing peopLe. I LikE **push**Ing their **butt**onS. Know whY?

Because...

I

am a BaStard.

i liKe being a bAstarD. It's fun. IT's who I aM. And i Just gottA be me, right?

...W**ha**T is a basTard, yoU ask?

It's the guY who doEs the stuFf you onLy WiSH you couLd do... withoUT hiDing underNeath a sacK to dO iT.

BastaRds push PeopLe in front of on-coMing traiNs, tell chiLdren t**ha**t the

bOogeyman

lives unDEr their beds (hE's gonna GEt yA!),

peE on park BenCh seats, beLch during LoVe scenes at the moVIes, adJust theIr croTches while WinKing at nUns, steaL Children's MiracLe NetwoRk doNation boXes, spraY paint pOOdLes with poLKa dots, sPreaD coTtage chEese on theIr boDieS befOre bed (it'S an aPhrodisiaC!)

and bLow up

hosPitaLs.

BeIng a basTaRd is very LiberatiNg.

maYbe if FoREskin faCe were moRe of a bAstaRd, and lEss of a puSSy, JokESter wouLd pause lOng enouGh to sTop talKing and waTch him.

MayBe if fOresKin fAce pRoved his mettLe by acTing liKe a man and leSS liKe a

dicK in an oVersizeD-conDom

he wouLd EArN the resPect fRom jOkester,

who wouLd taLk less and

...watCh more

and thErebY not unTowarDly affecT Mr. Foresky's deLicate ego wiTh iDeas and woRds that are tOO bIg for him to unDerstand.

sHouLd JoKESter eVer finD his waY bacK into ArkHam (onLY if the **BAT** can fInd him), i thiNk therE's reaLLy only one thing t**ha**t ForeSkiN faCe couLd do, to eaRn this reSpect, whIch wouLd transLate into siLence: s**hA**ve his heaD and geT a giAnt tattOO that saYs, "JokEster's baD-ass bItch". t**Ha**t wouLd definiTely earN him resPect from JoKester.

OtherWise

the onLy waY he can possIbLY block ouT the joKester's illuStrious worDs is tO

raM an iCe pick into boTh eaRs and peRforate the earDrums.

sO, um...

yeah. tHat's my adVice for youR paL.

as foR YOU...

i adVise you tO get a nEw look. ScRotal sacKs are Just SO LasT yEar. aLL the aLteR egos on the rUnwaYs of MiLan and pAris are now sPorting giant douCHe bottLes on their heAds. nOw therE's a faShion tRend t**ha**t i wOuld endoRse for you.

-JoKER

Pee Ess: jOkesteR is eNjoying his new roLe in the worLd of jourNalism by thReateninG to caStratE the eDitor of tHis coLumn if he wOn't prinT the repLies. iT's funnY how attaChed some mEN get to theiR baLLs. Not thaT you wouLd knoW. you MaY be a sacK, but you'Re definiTely riDing in a BaLL-Free Zone, atoP Jonny- i MeaN, ForeSkiN faCe's shouLders.

P.P.S. To foLLow up on a coNversAtion we HaD lasT year...

you'Re not the boSs of my nostRiLs.

* * *

_-4oC, 2009.08.31_


	23. A NoTE FroM MeeEEEEEeEE

**A NOTE FROM MEEEEEEEEEE**

* * *

HeLLo, eVeryone.

it's meeeeeeEe.

tHe man. tHe cLowN. the **BAT**'s Foe in ToWN.

HiYa. Heh ha HaHa.

Soooo... i'M passIng a littLe note aLonG to **all** of YoU, mY faiThful rEaderS:

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.

I reGRet to inForm you t**ha**t the Jee PEe deE (GothAm PoLice DepartmEnt, for thoSe of you who CAn't reaD acronYms) has finaLLy becOme…

.................Semi-comPetent.

i kNow, I Know. i was as sHockeD as you aRe, buT i'm aFraid it's tRue.

i fOund out mYself just lasT night.

(hOweVer, i shouLd qUaLifY t**ha**t sTatEMent: tHey're nOt _enTirely_ coMpetent. If theY were, then EdGar wouLdn't **ha**Ve been kiLLed.)

................................EdgaR was my

erRand HencHman

who retrIeved all yOur LetteRs from a P.O. boX I kePt at the EXeteR StreeT PoSt office. eDgar was maKing a deLiVery last nighT, brinGing me a neW batch of your aDvice QuestIons,

when sO**me** of CommIssioNer GorDon's men traiLed him

bacK

..................................to mY door.

...................................Yep.

aFter a sTand oFf, in wHich i used edgAr as a huMan shIeld…

TherE were fOur dead po**Lice**men, thrEe dEad neIghboRs, tWo deAd fiRemen and

one DeaD Edgar.

Oh, and mY pLace sort of

cauGHt on FiRe.

(............................................................................................i Lost a reaLLy nice FeRn in the enSuing dIsasTer, whIch sort of bRings me doWn a bIt.)

it waSn't a tOtal LoSS, thOugh, becaUse the **BatmAN** maDe a bRief aPpeaRance.

i wAs climBing doWn the fire eScape, wHen i saW some

.....................................MoVement

ouT of the cOrner of my eYe.

i ducKed juSt in tiMe, sO the **bAt's** fiSt hit the rAiLing insTead of my eAr.

HaHA, you mIsseD!!

(reAlly, who TrieS to hit a guY in the eaR? tHat's jusT weird.)

I jumPed dowN to the baLconY on the fLoor beLow minE, wheRe some dIpshiT kid **hA**d cLimbed out to sEE what tHe fIre trucKs had coMe for. thE kid was wEaring **BatMaN** paJamas. nO Joke.

t**Ha**t piSsed me oFF.

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wHy doEsn't anYone eVer weaR pAjaMAs wiTh **MY **facE all over 'em?

huH?

sO i gRab this fRiggin' **bAt-BRat** by the scRufF of his Pee JaYs anD i

tOss hiM oFF the balConY.

(tHose BaTman paJamas don'T come wiTh a gRappLing guN, do theY, kiD? HA!)

so, pRedictaBLy, the** batmAn** jumPs thRough the aIr to saVe the kiD from hiTTing the paVemenT beLow (sPLat!), and i taKe the dIstrAction as an oPPortunIty to

......................................................................eXit sTage leFt.

AnywaY,

heRe's the probLem:

The poLice conFiscAted Edgar's sack and raIded my maiLboX at the post oFfice. So for anY of you with QuestIons about ErectiLe Dis**fun**cTion, some bEat coP is probabLy going to rePLy insTead of me. oR, maYbe the bATMan wiLL. i caN't voucH for thE QualiTy of hIs adVice. (iF it'S anything liKe his conVersatiOn sKills, don'T get your hoPes uP, foLks.)

If you didn'T send me a LetTer wIth your aDvice qUestion bEfore LasT nIght's raiD,

**I'm noT going to Get iT.**

tHat mEans....

**I wOn'T be abLe to aNsweR aNY new LettErs, siNce the GPD wiLL inTercePt all oF them. **

tHey tooK my freaKin' poSt ofFice boX. PiGs.

aLL letteRs i ReceIved thRough lAst nigHt arE stoRed safeLy witH the eDitor of tHis adviCe column, in a seParate buiLding.

tHat means i

WiLL

anSwer w**Ha**t waS deLivered to mE beFore LaSt niGht. the laSt letteR I got wAs fRom the ScaRecrow. So afTer i tell that gOnad pouCh where he cAn stick his saNctimOnious bloW**ha**rd opInions, I've got tO go bacK to teRRoRiZing GothaM to paSs the ti**me**.

But you BeTter keeP reaDing my rePLies. do You heAr me?

Keep ReaDing Them.

I'll kNow if you Don'T. And t**ha**t wiLL piss me oFf.

and i'LL toSs YoU oFF a baLcony. Mmm, yeah. i wiLL.

SoooooooooOoo.... as for tOnight:

i'Ve got my sPatuLa,

I'vE gOt mY tuB of coTTage cHeeSe (LarGe cuRd, of cOurse),

aNd mY joKer jaMMies.

iT's tiMe for Bed. Ha hAha.

-JoKer

P.S. Wanna knOw whAt jOker JammIeS are?

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i'm a bit of a fRIskY man.

and i LiKe to

.......................sLeep

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au NaturaLe.

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_t_**_Ha_**_t's_ whAt jOker jaMmies are: baRe-aSSed, in-the-BuFF, naKed noThinGness.

i Look dAmned gOOd in MY JoKer JammIes.

Ha Ha HA!

* * *

_A/N: Due to recent increased project responsibilities with my job, I will not have the time to answer any more questions beyond what has already been received, as of 10:30pm EST on 9/1/2009. Aside from having limited time, I also don't want the caliber of the answers to suffer out of weariness on my part. You all have been incredibly supportive, and I want to try to give you the best "Joker Replies" that I can. I greatly appreciate your understanding, and hope this isn't too disappointing. Thank you again to everyone for the tremendously positive feedback. It's appreciated more than you know. :)_

_-4oC, 2009.09.01_


	24. Question 21

**QUESTION 21**

* * *

Seeing as how Ms. Grace isn't here anymore and I REALLY need some advice, I decided to ask you. Okay, so, I've been seeing this guy for about three months now, (we work in the same office building,) and I really like him, but, well, to be quite blunt, he's starting to get really…touchy feely with me, you know what I'm saying? He and I haven't really been together before, and he's been getting really…aggressive with me lately and I'm a little scared. I don't want to hurt his feelings by telling him to back off though. I'm afraid that if I tell him to cool off that he'll try to . . . you know . . . do stuff to me. He knows where I live and he has a key to my apartment.

Please help me.

-Kayla

* * *

- - - **REPLY **- - -

* * *

LasT night i **ha**d a dReam I wAs a couPon.

a _cOupon_.

...w**ha**t the heLL is T**Ha**T aBout?

It wasN't for twentY buCks off a sEt of BridgEstone tIres, or for a diS**c**o**unt**ed ticKet to the GothAm **M**uS**e**um of Modern Art. i was a CouPon for $1.00 oFf a PizZa Hut stuFfed-cRust piZza.

Double-yew Tee Eff, boYs and GiRLs?

tHe **BATmAn** was goinG to uSe me (_me!) _tO order hIS dinNer, so he cOuLd saVe so**me** mooLah. **baTMan**, if You'Re reading tHis (and i KnoW yoU aRe, you toILet waNd),

yoU can'T afford to gAin weiGht, there, bRo.

**FAT**maN wouLd neVer staNd a c**hA**nce of catChing me, and yOu've got t**ha**T tight KevLar suit to thiNk of. BLack maY be slimming, anD you dO **ha**Ve t**ha**t caPe to hide your pRobLem spoTs... buT the seAt in youR littLe **BaT**-ScooTer is proBably moLded to youR curRent ASS diMentions. yOu don'T waNt to **ha**Ve to get a New sEat, do YoU? oRder a saLaD fOr diNner insTead. i'm just looKin' out foR you, PaL, oKay?

i wiSh I Knew a comPetent psychIatrist, so i couLd inQuire as to the sYmboLism of t**Ha**T dReam. The onLY doctor wHo co**me**s to mInd liKes to plaY dRess-uP with potato sAcks. he'd proBaBly tell me t**ha**t he idoL-worshiPs me and t**ha**t he's seXually impoTent, but i aLready knoW t**ha**t. aNd now, so dO all mY readErs. Ha HA, taKe _t__**ha**__t_, Jonny-Boy. Ha.

...But I digesT

(tHank You, mALaproPisms)

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wOw. tHere are so ManY stupiFYing reMarkS in tHis lettEr, i HardLy know wHere to sTart.

Hello, littLe giRL.

you maY be oLd enough to WorK in an oFfice… but menTallY, you're sTill a LittLe girL.

And a duMb little girl, aT t**ha**t.

i _kNow_ youR tYpe, yOu knOw. beTTer t**hA**n you tHinK.

yoU'Re just aNother sOft-hEarted, spIneLess giRL who waNts tO overLooK the bAd beHavior of a mAn, so you cAn jusTify haVing oNe in yoUr life. yOu prObabLY sPend yOur tiMe waTching the oXyGen cHanneL, beLievIng youRseLf to be a liBerated moDern woMan... but yoU secRetly piNe for this man to show so**me** senTimentaL (cRap) sIgn t**ha**T yoU're woRth loVing (hA haHa), anD you woNder who wouNDed youR littLe snuGgLy-wumPuMS to maKe him tuRn out so goSh-daRned bad in the fIrsT pLace.

goLLY, mAybE if you jUst waLk verY, vERy carefullY around his feeLinGs, maYbe he won'T... you know, dO stuFf to you.

wAke up and SmeLL the aMmonium NiTratE, dUmb liTTle GirL.

nIce meN doN't make a wOman fEeL unComfoRtabLe. onLy bAd meN do. geT it?

yOu aIn't in KanSas, DorOthY. (AnD desPite the FacT t**Ha**t theRe's so**me**one in aRkHam who cLAims to bE a ScarecRow, thiS aIn'T Oz, eiTher.) This is GothAm, babY.

**GoTHaM.**

tHere aRe a lot of BaD men in thIs roTten cIty... aNd bAd men canNot be reHabiliTated wiTh a caLming cuP of chamomiLe tea and the loVe of a teNder woMan. The soONer you get that thRough yOur dumb littLe heaD, the wIser you'LL be.

"he's starting to get really…touchy feely with me, you know what I'm saying?"

Yes, dimWit, i knOw what You'Re saying. wHere i cOme from, we hAve

..._other woRds_

for "tOuchy-feeLY"

but i kNow eXactLY w**Ha**t t**Ha**t meAns.

MoST men in tHis city are kNucKLe-draGging creTins who thInk with theIR cRotchEs, if theY're caPabLe of muStering eVen _t__**ha**__t_ muCh inteLLigence. (tHey do maKe good hEnchmen, i'LL giVe them t**Ha**t.) Here's a GenerAL ruLe for unDerstanDing the maLe seX: mEn wAnt to sTick thEir DicKs wHereVer theY can geT aWay wIth it. we'Re aniMaLs, soMe moRe than OtheRs. eVerYone knOws this. sO

wHy wouLd it surPrise you t**Ha**t he'S pusHinG to gEt eXactLy w**ha**t iT's in his nAture tO want?

i'M not deFenDing his be**Ha**vior, onLY eXpLaining it.

whY do you "really like him" if hE's doing so**me**Thing t**ha**t You DON'T LiKe? Are you SeRiously afraid of huRTing his feeLings bY teLLing hiM to back ofF? If you tHInk he's aGgresSiVe now…

… just waIt untiL he geTs to kNow you beTter. aNd i caN tell You rIght now... tHis gUy isn'T goinG anYwhere.

Let me oFfer so**me** perSPectiVe:

If a womAn aLLowed _me_ to be**ha**Ve badLY around her,

_I wouLd._

...i'M a man.

...It'S w**ha**t We do.

wE enJoy PuShiNg bounDarIes, to see JusT how muCh wE caN get awaY with.

(eVen if she DidN't aLLow me to beHave badLy i StiLL wouLd, beCause i liKe to see gOod giRLs sQuirM. HeH hEH. i AM a bad mAn, so thIs shouLd sUrprIse no One.)

hE's not gOing to StOp wIth hIs aGgressIve mOves, eSpeciaLLy now that hE has the KeY to your aPartMent. aNd on t**Ha**t subJect, just HOW did hE get a keY to your pLacE? Were you so truSting, Dumb LittLE GirL, t**ha**t you gaVe it to him afTer knoWing him onLy tHRee months? Or did he

staLk you,

sTEaL your Key and

maKe a coPy?

yOu saId he wOrKs in the saMe offiCe buiLding. was t**Ha**t your cOy littLe way of admiTTing t**ha**t yOu woRk in the sa**Me** comPanY?

I truSt you've heaRd the warNing aBout not diPping one's pen in coMpanY inK… so whY wouLd you let tHis man diP his pen(is) in your cOmpaNy inkbottLe? hmmmmMmm? dO you enJoY beinG foDder for offiCe gossiP? dO you reaLiZe you've saBotagEd youR oWn rePutatIon in the OffIce bY gettIng inVolvEd with a feLLow emPloYee? iF eVeryone doesn't aLreadY knoW, theY'll soOn fiGure it OuT. tHe goo-gOo eYes yoU unDoubTedLy maKe at hIm are a dEAd giVe-aWay.

Let me JuSt suMMariZe what i'm rEading in yOur letTer: you'Ve wiLLingLy taRnished your own RePUtation at wOrk to dAte a mAn who dOesn't reSpect you, maY raPe you iF you dOn't just GivE in to hIm anYway, and he hAs the kEY to the onLy safE pLace you hAve.

As i was saYing, you aRe

Very, verY duMb.

Aren't you, LittLe GirL?

aNd now you'Re asKing for MY heLp.

dO you wAnt me to KiLL him foR you? iS thaT what yOu're trYing to asK, in your GoOd LittLe GirL waY?

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**i dOn'T do reQuests.**

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buT i wIll giVe you mY adviCe. bE sMart, for a chAnge, and takE iT:

The onLY one waY to comMunicate effectiVelY with an agGressiVe thug Like this iS in a LanguaGe t**ha**t he'LL undersTand: steeL and gUnPoWDer. T**ha**t's the kind of coMmuniCation i'm taLKing aBout.

gEt a GUN and kiLL him. enD of sTorY.

This iS your onLy oPtion, becAuse i can teLL from youR letter t**ha**t you doN't **ha**ve the forTitude to _tell _him foRCefullY to stoP. eVen if you Did, _he wouLdn't. _Either kiLL him now, or eventually,

He WILL kiLL you.

Do it, DumB LittLe GirL. i **daRe** you (scAre You). I'll eVen leT you bLame iT on me. How's t**ha**t sOund? WheN the GothAm poLice are cuFfing you, as tHeY steP oVer his eXpLoded braInpan on your nIce BerbEr carPet, tell thEm,

"The joKeR made mE do iT."

Then, anD _onLy_ then, wouLd I stoP thinKing of you as a Dumb LittLe Girl. It would giVe me gReat pLeasure to seNd mY neXt letter to You, in your ceLL at the GothAm Women's MaXimum SecuRitY prison…

…and I wiLL adDress yOu

as _KaYLa_.

-JokEr

P.S. wHen yoU'Re in prIson, i'LL senD you a puRple diLdo to pLay witH. yoU don'T neeD a maN to maKe you feEL good, just a sTurdy tOy. iF you puMp moRe than tHree buLLets inTo the tHug's heaD, i'll eVen seNd you a ToY that reQuires baTTeries. Ha HA! heh Heh hEH...

pee S. Ess. Now I wAnt a piZza for dinner. i wiSh I **ha**d a "me" from mY dream Last nigHt, so i couLd sAVe a buCk.

* * *

_-4oC, 2009.09.13_


	25. Question 22

**QUESTION 22**

* * *

Dear Mr. The Joker,

Ok, let's just get straight to the point- is there anything going on between you and Batman? We've heard the rumors and want to know if they're true.

Love,

Charm Jester and Meimu

* * *

- - - **REPLY **- - -

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...anD the sTupiDitY of gOthaM

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contInues

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to asTounD me.

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i'M aFRaid t**ha**t anY adVice I diSpeNse on this subJect wiLL

**NoT**

be reCeiVed bY the rEaders

...who suBmiTted this QuesTIon.

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buT the rest of YoU can sTiLL beneFit

fRom the LeSson.

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**HUMAN REMAINS FOUND AT GOTHAM UNIVERSITY**

**Identity of victims unknown **

By Marcus Fowler

Gotham Herald Correspondent

Gotham University custodian Charles Gruber discovered two human tongues nailed to a bulletin board in the foyer of Prescott Auditorium.

Gruber made the gruesome find around 8:00pm last night, while a theater class was screening the movie "The Darwin Awards" as part of a lecture series on pop culture in movies.

Said Gruber, "I saw what looked like a puddle of spilled coffee on the floor by the wall. When I wheeled the mop and bucket over to clean it up, that's when I saw it was blood that dripped down from…" Gruber couldn't finish his sentence, shaking his head instead. "I called campus police immediately."

Conner Flay, a university sophomore, shared what he witnessed before Gotham Police were called to cordon off the scene. Said Flay, "What caught my eye was the bulletin board. Someone had taken a white sheet and covered the entire board with it. 'Number 1' was spray-painted in purple on the sheet. I thought the janitor guy was looking at sheet when I came up behind him. That's when I saw that stuff nailed to the board. I didn't know if they were livers or stomachs or what, but I could tell they were organs. I thought I was gonna hurl."

Investigators confirm that the tongues are human.

Detective Stephens from the Gotham Police Department was tight-lipped about the discovery. Said Stephens, "We don't know yet if this is a prank made by someone with access to the university medical labs, or if this is a sign of an unthinkable attack. We will release an official statement after we have finished examining all evidence. In the meantime, for the safety of everyone on campus, we ask that all students return to their dormitories. We advise against going out in groups smaller than five people, until we can determine whether this was a prank or something more serious."

Forensic pathologist Ruth Clayborn was called to the scene. When questioned about what evidence would differentiate a prank from signs of an attack, Clayborn stated the following: "Organs purchased by the university for anatomy labs would be extracted from cadavers by medical professionals. The extraction cuts would be precise. A jagged cut would indicate that the tongues did not come from a medical supplier."

She declined to comment on the condition in which the tongues were found, nor would she comment about what appeared to be fresh blood from the tongues themselves.

When asked if a person could survive having the tongue removed, Clayborn stated, "It all depends on where the point of amputation occurred. If severance occurred at the tip of the tongue, there would be massive blood loss, but the injury wouldn't be fatal. To cut off a tongue at the root, one must first remove the mandible from the rest of the skull. No one could survive an injury that grievous."

Neither Clayborn nor Stephens would divulge where the incisions had been made on the tongues.

Eye witness Flay shared what he saw. Said Flay, "Look, I'm not pre-med or anything, but if those things were actually tongues like I'm hearing, someone cut them out deep. Each organ was, like, about ten inches long. Maybe more."

Police have no suspects at this time.

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sPreaDing sordid gosSiP about me and tHe BatmAN...

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is iLL-adVised.

It sEemed onLY right to

cuT out

...the oFfenDing organs.

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heRe are FiVe waYs you can LanD youRseLf on the LiSt of the DarWIn AwaRd rEciPients

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... couRTesY of ME.

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I wouLdn't aDvisE anY of themMmmmmmm.

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#5. sTeaL so**me**thIng t**ha**t beLongs to Me

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#4. AtteMpt to kiLL me

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#3. mAKe a cL**ow**n joKe at mY eXpeNse

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#2. MakE a GaY JokE aT my exPensE

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#1. MaKE a gAy JoKe iNsinUating t**ha**t i'm …..

invoLVed with the **BaTman**

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Did the giRLs surVive their inJurIes?

No.

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...but tHeY were conSCious when I reMoVed theiR JaWs

aNd begAn to cuT

and Cut.

AnD CUT.

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Now…

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Who wAnts to mAKe another JoKe at mY eXpeNSe?

-jokeR

* * *

_4oC, 2009.09.20_


	26. Question 23

**QUESTION 23**

* * *

Dear Joker,

I'm all about the psychedelic, mind-expanding drugs and my mom hates it. She's threatened to kick me out but I'm pretty sure she's not serious, her threats are mostly empty. The thing is, she doesn't know I've been doing psychedelics, she only knows I smoke weed and that I was thinking of doing more. If she finds out about the rest of my drug usage she'll bitch out. So basically I've been lying my ass off to her for several months now and I kind of want to keep it that way. I don't necessarily like lying to her but I don't want her to hate me if I tell her. Help me out here.

Mary Jane

* * *

- - - **REPLY **- - -

* * *

Hiya, marY jane.

I gotta asK this right ofF the bat…

...HA! i said **BAT**!(man is a one-baLLed rodEnt with **fun**kY-smeLLing toe Jam)

So… um,

Do you LiKe spiders, MaRy Jane?

**haHa HA!**

I was Just asKing because theRe's a reaLLy big **ha**irY one cLimBing up your aRm righT n**ow**. tHought you migHt want to kn**ow**, in caSe you _mIght_ be arachnoPhoBic.

oH, wait a mInute. yoU ARE araChnophobic.

...Wanna kN**ow** h**ow** i Kn**ow** t**ha**t?

because I'm reaDing it riGht here in your dIarY. yeP. The one with the tie-dYed coVer in bright pINKs and oRanges. the oNe you'Ve been JournaLing your tHoughts in fOr the Last seVenTeen months.

The one I stoLe right out of YOur book bAg as I foLLoWed you nine bLocks through Got**hA**m night beFore Last. i gUess you dIdn't see me whEn I reaChed in and eVen yanKed on the baG as it resTed on your SHouLder.

(spidErs sPiders spIders feeL the spiderSssssss crawLing across your feeeeeeeEet)

I'm guessiNg you also **ha**Ven't noticed t**ha**t i cut off a locK of your **ha**ir with a sWitchbLade as I follOWed you.

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I can slice oFF parTs of peopLe using onLy oNe **ha**nd, you Kn**ow**, Mary Jane.

But I used TWO **ha**nds last night, as I heLd your **ha**ir with onE **ha**nd, and saWed with the othEr. I **ha**d both mY **ha**nDs on yoUr head, and you dIdn't notiCe. did You?

...I gUess you've got the **ha**l-Lu-SIN-o-gens to thanK for t**ha**t. CooL.

i'M aLL for personaL freeDom. Do whateVer the heLL you wanT. It's your Life, and Your boDy.

Want to pIerce your geniTals? **Ha**Ve at it. From w**ha**t you'vE written in your Diary, it's about the onLy pArt of you NOT pieRced. (ARen't you the reBeL?)

wanT to buRn down a schooL? MazeltoV. I love uneDucated citY thugs, because tHey make gooD recRuits.

Want to taTtoo your bodY with a dirty needLe? Bonzai. i'll send you a DougHnut t**ha**t I've taKen a bite out oF, if you get a tAttoo t**ha**t says "I loVe chaos", onLy insTead of the word loVe, do the heaRt-thingy.

WanT to take **ha**llucinoGens and teLL your mOm to go fuCk herseLf, if she doEsn't like it? Aweso**me**. I thinK you shouLd do it. The reaDers of this aRticle totally suppOrt youR right to do sO, too, as do the tHugs in this ciTy - goT**ha**m. They'll deFinitely **ha**ve their eYes open, looKing for you froM their dark alleY hideouTs, MarY Jane. juSt like SPideRs.

(are the sPiders from the psYchedeLics… or are thEY **reeeeeeeeal**? Hmmmmmm?)

Taking pSYchedeLics while waLking the streEts of Gotham is really sMart. Good caLL, Mary Jane. You definiTely don't want to Be awaRe of your surrounDings. It's much BetteR to compromIse your abiLity to think clearLy t**ha**n it is to **ha**ve a s**ha**rP mind whEn being stalked by gAng-bangeRs.

(...serIousLy, there's a bIG spider on Your aRm. I thinK it actually has eLeVen legs insTead of Just 8.)

You're worRYing about the wRong tHing. Who carEs w**ha**t your mom thiNKs about your dRug use? W**ha**t you reaLLy need to wOrry about is aLL the spideRs t**ha**t are craWLing aLL oVer you.

My aDvice is to use your dRug connections to buY a **ha**nDgun. **Ha**ndguns and psycheDelic drugs are a greaT combination! Only gooD things comE from miXing the two. Get a **ha**ndgUn, and the neXt time you see a sPIder with twentY-three legs crawLing on your thigh, or a fuZZy tarantuLa with thiRty-eight legS and seVenteen eYes crawling up your ARm, you shouLd shOOt the spider off wiTh youR gun.

Yeahhhhhhhh...

Shoot thoSe spidErs, Mary Jane. You knoW t**ha**t they crawL under youR skin, don't You? yoU can feeL them iNching uP under the muscLes, their spinDly legs tickLing the bOnes and tenDons as theY scuRRy (theY're furrY!) up insIde you inTo your braIn. SpideRs loVe to buRy thEmseLves in peopLe's braiNs, you kNow.

Can you FEEL them in theRe, Mary JaNe? Can you feeL the SpiderS runniNg around insIde your hEad, craWLing

...in aNd out and In and out...

and back iNTo the foLds of yOur fRontaL loBe? Can you feeL tHem trYing to crawL out of YoUr earsssssssss and BaCk into

...your moUth? tHey're betWeen your teeTh, mAry jAne, snaKing doWn into yOur guMs, under your

ToNGuE.

I thiNk you can feeL them. (cRawLing scurrYing sNeaKing) i thinK you nEed to get t**ha**t **ha**nDgun, and kiLL the spIders in yOur heaD. Kill tHem, MarY janE.

JusT put the barreL to youR ear and

puLL the tRigger.

No mOre sPideRs.

And

...no

...more

...Mary

...Jane.

hA!

-joKer

p.S. an enOrmous, furrY fucKer of an araChnId just crAwLed into youR haIr. And i see a tRaiL of a hundRed of his BesT spIdeY frienDs foLLowing in his footSteps. dAmn, thoSe thingS haVe a lot of LeGs.

* * *

_-4oC, 2009.10.09_


	27. Question 24

**QUESTION 24**

* * *

Dear Mr. Joker

Hello. I have a problem with my next door neighbor, they keep playing their music very, very loud and it keeps me up nearly all night! I'd be lucky if I got a half an hour's rest. The landlord won't do anything about it! After all, it's their brat that's doing it! What should I do? I'm getting desperate here!

PS... Why are you obsessed with the big ugly bat anyway? Or are you two bedmates? That would explain why you're always yearning after him.

Sincerely, Brennen

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* * *

eXcuse mE?

**Bed **MaTes**?**

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You meAn...

..._me_…...

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and

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tHe **BATmaN**?

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i, uh... I soLved BreNnen's noise pRobLem.

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...i tieD him to hIs bed,

...FishEd into boTh of his

...eaR canaLs with a

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fonDUe forK

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and riPPed out his eaRDrums.

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n**oW** he can'T hear hIs neighBor's Loud musIc. pRoBLem soLved.

. . . and For the RecoRD, brennEn wasn't eXaggerAting. His neiGhbor's music reaLLy _is_ loud. And iT's not JusT loud duRing the nIght,

but

duriNg the daY, as weLL.

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'rouNd the** c**L**ock**, you might saY.

ConStant.

so Loud, t**ha**t it dR**ow**ns out aLL other SouNds. LiKe screAming.

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LikE _bRenneN's _screaminG.

i Paid him t**Ha**t visit tWo nights ago, and theRe's Been no menTIon in the neWs of anYone finding hiM. I guess he's stiLL

tied

to the Bed,

...bECause no one Can hear his scReaMs oVer his neighBor's music.

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_Shhhhhhhhh_...

_LiSten_... can you hEar t**ha**t? iT's the duLcet sounD of iRonY.

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Can _YoU_ hear it, bRennEn?

Mmmmmm, gueSS not.

you cAn't heaR anYthing anYmOre.

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Ha Ha, you'Re deaF. anD in eXcrucIating paIn with no one to heLp you.

kN**ow** w**Ha**t? i acTuallY tieD your bonds in a waY t**ha**T wouLd all**ow** you to esCape un**aSS**isted, if you'D tWist your wrisTs in the right waY. i'D teLL you how...

...but I suspEct mY inStructIon wouLd faLL on deaF ears.

Ha.

-JoKER

* * *

_-4oC, 2009.10.12_


	28. Question 25

**QUESTION 25**

* * *

Dear Joker,

I'm jealous of my best friend. It seems like shes perfect and she just CAN'T do a $$#ing thing wrong. But at the same time I still want to stay friends with her, but this is driving me insane.I could really use some help with this.

-Spazm

* * *

- - - **REPLY **- - -

* * *

SpaZm sort of rhYmes with

oRgaSm.

i jusT noticed t**ha**t. Yeah.

...HeH heh... hA.

oKey-DokeY.

here's w**ha**t I see: Your best fRiend is _not_ peRfect.

...h**Ow** do i Kn**ow**?

weLL...

If she weRe,

she - herseLf -

would **ha**Ve a perFect best friend… and not sOme sniVeLing, whinY-ass jeaLous "pal" liKe YoU.

Are you a tOad, sPaZm? aRe you a misShaPen shriMp, who couLd be cL**ass**ifIed as a "ruNt" (rhyMes with vAgina)? It could Be t**ha**t she keePs you around juSt to make herSelf look pRettier by comPArison.

aRe you a reTaRd? SpeNd a loT of ti**me** watChing reaLity TV shows aiRing on vH-1? MaYbe she leTs you sPend ti**me** with Her to bOOst others' peRcePtion of her inteLLectual pr**oW**ess and sTreet sMarts (rhyMEs with sWeet fArts). Pfffffffft - ha Ha!

aRe you conVersatioNallY obtuse beCause you'Re a LoneR (RHymes with bonEr)? do you eMit all the c**ha**Rm of a uSed coNdom? Perhaps your presEnce makes her personaLity all the more sCintiLLating.

PerfeCt peopLe don't neeD to surroUnd themseLVes with others wHo are cosmeTically, intellectuaLLy and sOciallY inFerior to them, bEcause they understAnd their own worTh. tHeY don't nEed to unDerscore it by KeePing someone aRound who represeNts the LoWest Common denOMinator (you) as a baseLine YardsticK (rHymEs with cArd tRick rhYmes with HaRd DicK).

it souNds Like t**ha**t's the purPose you seRVe, which vaLidates my **ass**ertion t**ha**t she's nOT perfEct.

HoweVer,

it sounds liKe she dEfinitely _is_ suPerioR to you.

...YeP.

T**ha**T means t**ha**t you'Ve been aIming way aboVe your head, here, SpAzm. It's imPortAnt to understand your Limits: don't trY out for Varsity qUarterBack when you're onLy fit to cLean Jock straPs, whicH rhymeS with CocK sLaps. hA haHa Ha saLami sLappinG...

go maKe a nEW friend. SomeOne wHo's ugLier, dumber, and more sociaLLY inePt t**ha**n yoU are. With tHis new frIend, you can pLot the iDeaL time to shoVe Ms. SupeRior in front of An oncoMing bus. TheN she'LL be a deaD

duCK.

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...Pie

...ShaWLs.

daNg it, i wisH I couLd think of somEthinG cRude that rhYmeS with dUcK pIe sHawls.

-joKEr

* * *

_-4oC, 2009.10.13_


	29. Question 26

**QUESTION 26**

* * *

Dear Joker,

I am twenty years old, going to college, and working. But, I don't really want to get a better job (I'm working at Carvel, an ice cream store) or maintain a home on my own. I'd rather just hang out and play video games, read, and do puzzles. How can I motivate myself to keep moving forward in life?

Sincerely,

Worried

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- - - **REPLY **- - -

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yoU work in an iCe cREam store? LiKe, with Ice creaM?

...(eYes creAm i ScReam)

The coLd stuff you eaT and put toPpings on - _t__**ha**__t_ Kind of icE cream?

heRe's bReaKing news, WorrIed – if you thinK there are Lots of "beTter" joBs out tHere t**ha**n woRKing with ice crEam…

you're

...soreLy

...misTaKen.

i'Ve beeN to just abOut eVery corner of thIs citY. I know its darK, ugLy secrets. I've sEen manY, MaNY differenT waYs t**ha**t a person can eArn a liVing. tHere are

_dirTy_

pRofessions out thEre.

do you, uh... kNow the tyPes of joBs i mean? HmmmMm?

... i'M taLking about the jobs

t**hA**t

invoLve sLiding

**ha**rd

phaLLic-shaPed thinGs

intO tight, deeP

hoLes.

uh Huh. (heH hEh)

i'm taLking about _THAT _kind of job.

...teLephone poLe engineeR.

oh, it's so, SO dirtY, driVing those poLes into the gRound. you gEt mud all oVer youR panTs and shoes, and no mAtter w**Ha**t the coMmerciaLs cLaim, Tide with bLeach caN't get out eVery stain. you'Re better off jusT throwing your cLothes awaY after a dirtY job like t**ha**t. (t**Ha**t's a littLe tip from mE to you.)

it's a Lot of phYsical laBor, and yoU have to wOrK ouTside, no matter w**Ha**t the weather is liKe. does t**ha**t sOund more Fun t**ha**n worKing at CarVeL's? not to Me, it doEsn't.

As for finding a _better_ jOb t**Ha**n worKing with iCe cReam...

weLL,

i can List the "betteR" jobs

in GothAm

on one **ha**nD.

...in faCt,

i'Ve even ranKed them fOr you:

.

.

5. **BaTman**'s butLer (you _Know_ he sEnds so**me**one eLse out to buy hiS toiLet papEr and sTrawberrY-scented DoucHes)

.

.

4. Walmart greeTer (you JuSt can't put a pRice tag on the enTertaInment vALue of a dAily fReaK show)

.

.

3. FieLd reSearch** AnaL**Yst for maLe proPhyLactics (conDom TesTer)

.

.

2. dYnamiTe factorY Line worKer (i pRomise i wOn't lighT any of the fUses... hA!)

.

.

1. TerrifYing gOthaM as **Pub**L**ic** enemY NuMber One (beIng **meeeeeeeeeeeeeee**)

.

.

That's it, WorrIed.

_T__**ha**__t's __**it**__._

...aLL the other joBs out there SuCK.

yOu might have a sHot at soMe of the joBs on that List (#1 is oBviousLy NOT an opTion for anYone but _me_), buT don't wasTe your time wonDering whEther youR life wouLd be more fuLfilled if you did sOmething other t**ha**n w**Ha**t you're aLreadY doing noW.

WhoeVer told you t**ha**t you shouLd be moVing "forwArd" is just pissed off t**ha**t theY've compLicated their own Life beYond the poiNt of being abLe to turn Back to working somepLace low-sTress… liKe at an ice cream sTore. tHey're jeaLous, and waNt to maKe sure yoU end up as miserabLe as theY are, by conVincing you to "mOve forward" and get a "real" job.

So my QuestIon to thEm wouLd be…

…w**ha**t's wRong with sTaGnating?

...Or even regRessing?

Here's w**ha**t I recommEnd: droP out of coLLege. It's a wAste of time and monEy. How many oF your feLLow empLoYees at the ice cReam store **ha**Ve Masters degRees? uh, hUh. i rest mY case. aSk them hoW their Em Eff Ay deGree in caStLes and arT of the hIgh middLe aGes is heLping theM sprinKLe gummy beArs on top of a scOop of rocKY road iCe cReam.

Get cReative on the joB: start aDding yoUr own mysTery toPPings to custoMers' sundaes: insTead of sprinKLing M&M's or shredded cocOnut on top of their scOOp of DoubLe chocoLate CooKie Bonanza ice cream, miX in some ground-uP gLass, raZor blades or seVered fingers. SooNer or later, someone will probabLy comPLain.

And when theY fire yOu, teLL them t**ha**t

the parKing meter outsIde

toLd you

to dO it.

KnoW w**ha**t **ha**Ppens neXt?

You get a cell in Ark**ha**m, courtesY of Gotham's taX payeRs.

You don't **ha**vE to pay for a house, Worried. The citY wiLL caRe for You.

Then you cAn **ha**nG out,

pLay Video gamEs,

read and

do puzzLes as muCh as you wanT.

yOu'll also make sOme very inteResting fRiends in ark**ha**m.

tHinK of it: EntertainMent for the rEst of your LiFe, liVing within yOur comfort Zone, at no finanCiaL eXpense to you w**ha**tsoeVer. and no jOB. hOw's t**ha**t for briLLiant adVice?

aS for meeeee...

...i'm going to cOntinue dOinG w**ha**t_ I _do beSt.

the diRty joBs.

and i'M not taLKing abouT beIng a teLephone poLe enGineeR.

nOpe.

aFteR i sticK someThing

haRd

and phalliC-shaPed

inTo someone...

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

_muD_ isn'T thE staIn i'M trYing to remoVe with my boTTLe of TiDe with bLeach.

-jOkEr

p.S. dOes your StoRe carrY Rum Raisin? i **hA**ve the **ha**rDest time finDing that fLaVor. i'll paY your store a Visit, and yoU can giVe me a compLimentarY scOOp. or sEven. it's reaLLY good with cHopped waLnuts on toP. I prefer tO chop theM up mYself.

p.P.s. sPeaking of NuTs, i sAw a coLLege kid dRessed up as the **BATmaN** wheN i was gReeting wAlmart shoppeRs the other nIght. iF you wanT to see whAt his cosTume looKs liKe, you can fiNd reMaining parTs of him sPread out on diFFerent sheLVes around the sTore: in the biRdseed aiSle, in the liGhtbuLb aisLe and neAr the pLayteX tamPon end Cap. iF i wEre a woMan, i'D use PlaYtex braNd taMpons. thOse thinGs reallY CAN soAk up a Lot of bLood.

* * *

_-4oC, 2009.10.15_


	30. Question 27

_A/N: Happy Birthday, Heath. You're dearly missed. To the Joker's loyal readers, thank you for reading. The clown is starting up again with his advice..._

**QUESTION 27**

* * *

Dear Mister J,

I...want you to help me out here...Ya, see there is this STALKER following me and it is quite frankly, PISSING ME OFF! So i was wondering...if those knives of yours would be a dear and put a lovely smile on the bastards face...Other than that, i have no other questions for ya.

Sincerely,

The girl who took your knife

(AKA- Angelic Demon)

P.S

Your knife is safe with me, just kill the man so i can get on with my life already...Hurry up or this knife here will go bye-bye...

P.S.S

...

* * *

- - - **REPLY **- - -

* * *

_...AnGeLic deMon.  
_

_SeriOusLy?_

T**ha**t's the na**me** you cHose for youR adVice QuesTion?

.

.

T**ha**t na**Me**

looKs Like one of thOse

WhaDdaYacaLL'ems…

.

.

.

.

.

OxYmorOns.

yeaH...

(ocks-eeeeeeeEEeeeeeEe morRonz)

.

.

.

Do you kNow w**ha**T the deFiniTion of an oXymoRon is, angELic DemOn?

...i'LL saVe you the tRoubLe of looKing it up: iT's a moron whO's buiLt like a brEeding heiFer.

You kNow,

...ox-Like. oX-ish.

Ox-Y.

Moo.

BoVine.

...(moo)

mY **ha**t's off to you (moO). It taKes a BraVe woman, like you (moo), to acKnoWLedge that she **ha**s a weiGht probLem (moo) and a deFicIent iQ, and a brAver woMan YeT to anNounce juSt how fat and sTupId her aSS rEaLLY is by pRoViding gRaphic viSuaLs.

...moo mOo moo MoooooOooo

...(IncIDentaLLy, i couLdn't help but pIck up on oVertones of hostiLity in your letteR. Mad coW disease, peR**ha**ps?)

LeT's see w**ha**t we've goT: if you're a capital LarD ass,

(moo)

and you'Ve got a sTalker, it's LikeLy the

forEman

of a

meat-pAcking pLant

...who's mistaKen you (moo) for one of the CattLe.

MoO

moooOo

Moo

moo

See, so**me**times, the coWs run awaY (Bye-bYe!) afTer they're taKeN froM fARmer Joe's idYllic paStuRes. (Who knew? Hoo noo?) tHe foRemaN's just doing his JoB, by tRYing to rounD up (2 cows sounds bEtteR t**ha**n 1.7, doeSn'T it?) all the waYwArd stock beFore theY make their fiNaL trip to the aBattoiR (boo hOo, dead moos).

For s**Laugh**Ter.

hA

ha

HA

Per**ha**ps i shouLD help him slaUGhter his LoSt cow:

you. (moo)

anYone who** ha**s the auDaciTy to steaL from me doeSn't deseRVe to dRaw breath.

And _you_,

angeLic dEmon, the oXymOron…

…the coW-shAPed dimWit…

...are,

...indeEd,

a **MO**r**O**n.

I aLreaDy retrieved one stoLen knIFe from MarY Sue, after we pLaYed dreSs-up and I stuFFed her in tHe dispLay wind**ow** at Alter EgO.

At leaSt t**ha**t bubbLe-heaDed ninnY **ha**d the goOd sense to vALue the knife she tOok from me.

But you…

.

.

.

.

how dId you puT it?

"Hurry up or this knife here will go bye-bye..."

.

.

.

.

.

.

UmmmmMmm..._ReaLLy?_

**reAlly, BitCh?**

You're dumB enouGh to thReaten to disCaRd one of **MY** kniVes, if i don't hEed your BecK and caLL?

The woRd for t**ha**t is... bLAckmaiL.

No oNe blaCKmails me.

.

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No oNE.

.

.

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.

.

nO man, No womAn, and cerTainly

no

CoWS.

...You know w**ha**t **ha**pPens to iGnorant cows who aTtemPt to blaCkmail mE?

alloW me to iLLuminaTe you:

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

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.

.

.

.

.

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.

.

.

TheY end uP as QuaRTer poUnders.

**.**

**.**

**.**

AFter i **sLaugh**ter you (moo), you mORonic oX, I'm tAking back mY knIfe and cutting yOu up into PatTies. Then, I'll deLiVer you to eveRY McFrancHise in The NaRRows, so the iGnorant m**asses** can FeaSt on youR fAt ass

...witH a side

Of suPer-sizeD fRench fries and a sTRawberRy miLkshaKe.

Mmmmm mmmmmm (moooooOoOOooo) Mmmmmm

MoRonic oXen

taSte

gooD.

waIt... whY is the pLural of oX "oxEn", and noT "oXes"?

i'vE neVer shiPped "boXe**n**" of bodY parts to cOmmissiOner goRdoN as a birThdaY gift. I've onLy shipped "boxe**S**".

Hmmm. suCh is the enGlish language.

oXes, oXen...w**ha**teVer...

either waY, your aSS is ending up with sPEciaL sauce on a sesaMe seed bUn, you oversTuffeD twAt.

-jOker

p.S.

...

P. ess S. isn'T it oBnoxIous wheN someoNe trieS to be cuTe, by noT addinG teXt to a poSt scRipt? jUst shOwing you hoW aNnoying you aRe, burGer Breath.

* * *

_-4oC, 2010.04.04_


	31. From the Gotham Police Department

**FROM THE GOTHAM POLICE DEPARTMENT**

* * *

Joker,

If you receive this letter, I highly recommend that you turn yourself over to the Gotham Police Department immediately. There is a warrant out for your arrest, and all of Commissioner Gordons' men have standing orders to take you down by any force necesary.

The city's police and special forces are dedicating their full efforts toward hunting you down. We are combing every back alley, warf and abandoned warehouse. We will find you.

As a reminder to any citizen of Gotham who may be reading this, and to the public in general, we caution you not to approach the Joker or try to apprehend him. We can confirm that three people were killed as a result of his escape from Arkham Asylum last week, after an 18 month incarseration. He is armed and lethally dangerous, and psychologically unstable. If you see him, call 911 immediately and get yourself to a safe location as quickly as possible.

We believe that the Joker is more dangerous than before his most recent incarseration. Our consultants analyzed his replies in the advice column that he overtook from the deceased Ms. Grace, who we believe was killed at the hands of the Joker. Our expert's concluded that with each reply written by the Joker, the tone became more and more violent.

Therefore, we are asking the public not to engage the Joker any further. Do not send him any more questions asking for his advice. This just seems to provoke his tendansy toward violent outbursts.

Joker, we are ordering you to turn yourself in. Deadly force will be employed if necesary.

-Detective Stephens, Major Crime Unit

Gotham City Police Department

* * *

- - - **REPLY **- - -

* * *

Well, buSt my buTtons and caLL **me** slappY. It's Detective sTepheNs!

Mmm hmmm.

DetectiVe.

Dee-teK-tiv.

Well, t**ha**t's soRt of a liBeral use of the terM, isn't it? i **me**an, doN't you sort of **ha**Ve to… I don't Know… _DeE-TeKt_ things to wArrant the title t**ha**t you're sLinging aRound?

mY most recenT incarCeration (noTe the sPelling of the wOrd, paL) certAinly did **NoT** resuLt from your purpoRted "deteCtive" sKills, now, diD it?

(fUnnY how dEtective rhYmes with DeFective...)

Nor wAs my reCenT staY at aRk**Ha**m (ark? ham?) the fRuiT of anY alleged "inVestIgation" by Got**hA**m's (Got? hAm? w**ha**t's witH all the sWine mEat?) finest in bLue… isn't t**ha**t right? HmmmMm?

nO, it wAs not.

iN faCt, The **me**ntion of juSt _how_ I was deTaineD is notIceabLy lacKing in your LittLe note, there, detECTive. AreN't detecTives refeRred to as "dicKs"? There miGht be some iRony in t**ha**t, if I trY reeeaaally **ha**rd to finD it.

So, who acTuaLLy gets creDit for sendIng me back to the ol' fuNhouse? You and i and the ol' CommiSh know t**ha**t iF it **ha**d not beEn for tHe fuRtiVe coLLaborative worK betwEen Gordon's tEam and **the BaTmaN**, I'd neVeR **ha**ve seen the iNside of a pADded cell foR the Past year and A **ha**lf.

Did you kNow t**ha**t, Fine UpStanding citiZens of Got**ha**m CitY?

The poLice depaRtment - the verY institUtion that purpOrTs to serVe and pROtect you - **ha**s an unsPoKen truce with the caPed CRusaDer: thoUgh they decLared him a fuGitive from jusTice, gosh daRned it, theY just can't sEem to finD him no matteR how **ha**rd they looK. (They're NOT looKing, boYs and GirLs.) Yet they foLLow up on tiPs he supPLies, baseD on his oWn reneGade justice cRusade.

So, uh, t**ha**nks for tipPing off the pOe-lees to mY wherEabouts, tHere, **BatmAn**.

W**ha**t was I getTing at? oh yEah… don't tAke crediT for the **bat**'s work - i knoW the _rEal_ score hEre, Mr. sTepHens.

CommiSsioner goRdon mUst **ha**ve his paNties in QuIte a twist, and bE highLy preocCUpied with maiNtaining the fronT of huNting **the bAtman**, for him to aLLow the resPonsibiLity of fLeshinG me out witH the mightY pEN to fall on Your shouLders. GorDOn would neVer **ha**ve alLowed a leTter with such egRegious tYpograPhical erroRs to be sEnt out with hIs sTamp of apProVal.

Or is thIs a maVericK atteMpt on your part, unSAnctioned by GorDon, to tracK me doWn by anY means neCessary (double-"s", sTephens), to resTore your rePutatIon?

Are you cOlorbLind, DetectiVe? See, moSt word pRoceSsing softWare has a buiLlt-in ediTing funCtion t**ha**t produces a sQuigglY red line uNDer words t**ha**T are misspeLLed. I imAgine your scReen couldn'T **ha**ve been anY reDder t**ha**n if I **ha**d stabBed it mYself. Not onLy are You phonEtically chalLengEd, don't get me sTArted on your imBecilic misuSe of aPostrophes and iGnoraNce of pLuraliZation.

theN again, scHool wasn'T reallY your stroNg-suit, now Was it, deFectIve (i **me**An deTectivE)? WhEn I **ha**d the, uh… heh ha haHa… the imMense pLeasure of YouR superVision a feW yeaRs back in GordOn's inteRrogation ceLL, you **ha**d toLd me t**ha**t you **ha**D aLready about 20 yeaRs with the forCE under your beLt (anD it's liKely the _onlY _thinG under your bElt, bucKo, beCause there'S nothing beLow it). You're juSt another uneducAted, blue-coLLar, mediocre po(**lice**)man who jOined the sQuad to plaY with guns as a FreuDIan compensation. One wHo must **ha**ve blown someOne in the MayOr's office, to be abLe to keep hIs job aFter his amaZing blunder in judg**Me**nt.

"W**ha**t bLunDer wAs_ t**ha**t_?" I hear tHe m**asses** of Got**ha**m asK in unIson.

WeLL, FolKs, alloW me to eLucidaTe:

Any of you Fine readeRs recall the na**me** "Maroni"? The dearLy departed D.A. HarVeY Dent and his fiNe legal team were buiLding QuitE a case agaiNst the Mob, hEaded by mAroNi, based on the teSTimony of a certain Mr. Lau, theIr bookKeeper-turNed-rat. With Lau's testimonY, the streEts could **ha**ve been colleCtively safer for all the inNocents of the city… onlY I broke Lau out of the hoLDing cell at the Major Cri**me**s unit beFore the case couLd be prose**cUt**ed.

SCore one foR me!

Oh, aNd I manaGEd to bLow up pArt of the buiLding, before I sToLe a poliCe car to make mY get away (bYe Bye). OnE of mY men graCiouSly volunteeRed to alloW me to ouTfit hiM with a ceLL phonE t**ha**t i deTonated.

.

.

.

.

.

And this all **ha**pPened on Dee-Tek-tiv STEPHENS' watch, no less.

.

.

.

.

.

See, he was goIng to teach me a leSson (cerTainLY not in tHe finer poinTs of graMmar, though). RouGH me up a bit bEcause I **ha**d kiLLed six of his frieNds. (By the waY, Stephens, 5iVe of them dIed cowards' deaThs, pLeading for their liVes before my KniVes went to woRk. ThougHt you'd sLeep betTer at night knoWing t**ha**t.) He punChed and he kicKEd and he shoVed my hEAd into the cement waLL (dIdn't hurt!). He tirEd himseLF out afteR aBout a minute of JaBs and upper-cuts, as his aGe soon got the betTer of him.

Then_ i_ got the bEtter of HiM.

I was abLe to suBDue him and mAke my eXit.

Nice woRk, dIcK - coULdn't **ha**ve done it wIthout your pRedictable, testoterone-inDuced dispLay of limP machismo.

LoOk for me aLL you want in bAck alleYs, w**ha**rFs (spellEd with an "h" theRe, Dick) and aBandoNed warehOuses. I won't Be in anY of 'em.

nOpe.

I'm writinG this repLY, sitting in a comfoRTable-but-woRn lounge chair, my fEet propped uP in a living room spORtinG a badly ouTdated decOrating sche**me**. When aRe you going to hire a deCorator, dicK? A woman's touCh is noticeaBLy missing. Wife uP and left ya, didn't she? Good for hEr.

i've got your boYs tied up on the fLoor in the liVing room. And, uh… uh oh. The fiFteen-year-old just wet his paNts. I guess he's a cOward like your dEad friends. hE must taKe after his fAther.

You miGHt want to bring so**me** rash creAm home from the dRUg store when You leave work toNight, detectiVe. Your sons are reaLLy working up so**me** impressiVe rope buRns on their wrisTs. They might eVen leave scArs. iF they're luCkY.

Think I shouLD tell your soNs how I got mY scars? I'm SUre they'd loVe to hear the storY, both of yoUr boys.

.

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.

I'll bE sure to LEave them smiLing when yOu arrive ho**me** tonIght. ThiS is w**ha**t you geT for aLLeging t**ha**t your "expErts" thinK i'm...

w**ha**t waS it?

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"psYchoLogicallY unsTable"?

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oH, you _rEeeeeaLLy _shouLdn't **ha**ve gOne there, deTectiVe.

See...

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I'm in chaRGge, here, DeFecTive sTepheNs.

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yOu don't giVe me ordeRs. And you can'T tell the peoPLe of Got**ha**m not to wRite to me. They'LL write to me iF they wanT to. And I wAnt 'em to… so t**ha**t's w**ha**t's going to **ha**pPen.

aFter all, you and GordOn are opeRating under such hYPocritical ruLes, how can these toWn-folk _NOT_ be aLL confuSed and screWed up? They need so**me**one – like me – to sRraighten theM out. They need mY advice, and I'm all tOo happY to give it tO them.

Keep looKing for me, DiCk. Your ineVitable faiLure will proVIde me plentY of time to get cauGht up on my corRespondence.

mY adoring pubLic awaiTsssss...

-jOker

* * *

A/N: The Joker is back. It was a long incarceration, so he's flexing his criminal muscles with bank heists, police murders and terrorizing the innocent. Between those frequent excursions, he'll be answering all the questions that have accrued.

_-4oC, 2011.12.14_


	32. Question 28

**QUESTION 28**

* * *

To the man who murdered my dear friend:

My name is Doris Jenner, and I was one of Grace Rathbun's closest friends. I speak on behalf of all of the people who cared about Ms. Grace when I say that your mockery of everything she stood for is beyond contemptible. In the fifty-three years since we met during our studies at Bryn Mawr, I have never met a more upstanding, gentle woman who cared so passionately about helping others while holding herself to the highest of moral codes. She always conducted herself with impeccable decorum, no matter the circumstance, and that is why so many in Gotham sought her counsel. She was a classy, beautiful woman, inside and out.

Your filthy, immature, crude and violent replies to readers' letters epitomizes the antithesis of everything she stood for. Honestly, I don't know what is more upsetting: your killing her or your tarnishing the institution of class and ethics to which she'd devoted her life. You are the most detestable beast that has ever disgraced this city.

How do you live with yourself?

I am enclosing my address. You seem to be fond of paying readers a visit, so I invite you to stop by to see me, so I can give you a piece of my mind in person.

Doris Jenner

170 W. Parkview Avenue

Penthouse B

Gotham City

* * *

- - - **REPLY**- - -

* * *

Well, weLL.

W**ha**t an apt c**ho**ice of woRDs, Doris.

"…diSgraced this cIty…"

DisgRace

Dis-Grace

De-Grace?

.

.

ha HahaHahA HA

whY, yes, I guess you couLd saY t**ha**t I **ha**ve dis-graced (de-Grace-d) the ciTy by, uh… faciLitating her deMise. (adIOs, babY!)

foR the recoRD, doRiS, mS. gRacE was _noT _a bEautiful persOn, "InsIde and oUt". I knoW, bEcaUSe i actuaLLy saW her inSides, anD theY were jUst as unaPPealing as hEr ouTside.

After she feLL down thE stairs And wENt

...SpLAT ! (**bat** **bAt** rhymes with fLedermaUs)

I **ha**d a little looK arouNd her condo(m?) to sEe if anYthing were woRtH steaLing. You k**no**W what I founD?

(...peNis...)

she coLLected thiMBles.

And BeatriX potTer figurInes.

ApParenTLy she was Quite fonD of crOcheTing pLant-holdeRs.

(W**ha**t a tiGress this womAn was! ha**hA**haha Ha hA)

her mantLe was organiZed to hiGhlight w**ha**t was certaiNLy her most PriZed posseSsion: her FranKLin MiNt comMemoratiVe plate of Prince charLes' and Lady DianA's en**gag**ement.

(Lady Di. ladY Die. Ha ha, Di died.)

Her aboDe was a monUmenT to a frOu-FRou lifestYLe that would eRadicate the sPerm count of anY man iN a two-bLock (blocK rhYmes with sChLong) radIus. coupLed with hEr face liKe a **sad**dle, no wonDer she was aN old mAd. i mean, olD maId.

(...scrotum...)

**Ha**ving said t**ha**t…

therE were no coPies of VegeTarian Ti**Me**s on her cofFee table, nor a Pair of BirKenstocKs (sTock rHy**mE**s with uNit) in her shoe rAck. (Why do peoPLe use shoe racKs when you can kiCK off youR shoes Into a peRFectly good sink? T**ha**t's a head-sc**rat**cher.)

I diDn't sEe car keYs to a SubaRu Outback. No RainboW trIangle sticKers on tHe refriGeratOr.

Ergo….

…Ms. gRace wasn't a carPEt-Muncher. (SoRry, doriS.)

She was just a friGiD, sancTimonioUs old bRoad with a sTick up her aSs and a coMpuLsion to teLL other peoPLe w**ha**t was wROng with their liVes, as a **me**anS to com**bat** (co**mE** out, co**Me** ouT to pLaY, **BatMAn**) her oWn inseCuriTies because she was too uGLy for a man to LoVe.

(...anaL BeaDs...)

But enougGH about gracIe-pooH. LEt's taLk about yOu.

_You_, on the other **ha**nd, Doris… you're not Quite as giVen to eXtre**Me** femInine leaNinGs, are yOu?

Your noTe beaRs the toNe of so**me**thing juuuuust a biT beYond pRaise of a deceased friend. You cLearlY carried QUite the toRCh for mS. Grace.

MmmmmmMmm?

So**me**thIng you'D liKe to get oFf t**ha**t seVenty-one year-old saGgY chest of Yours, tooTs, as an old BrYn Mawr aLumnA? T**ha**t's one oF those snoOty "seVen SistEr" giiiiiiiirLs schools, isn't it? (Uh, huh.) Lesbo colleGes. aLL of 'em.

(...PieRced laBial foLds...)

In the sprinGti**me** of your Youth, you feLL for Ms. FaCe-liKe-An-OranGutan, but she neVer retuRned the feeLings…

…did shE?

...DID she?

And now you'Re aLL huRT 'n stuFf because she's dEad and you tHink I'm ruInIng her good nA**me**.

all**OW** me to fUrther sullY her na**me** by teLLing you to bUy YourseLf a nice raInbow-coloRed dILdo and bloW off a litTle steaM.

waIt… wAs t**ha**t raunchy? A bit tOo forWard?

(...mouThfuL of a bLow Bob well dOne...)

PerhaPs you should eXpect such an ansWer from a

DeTestaBLe beaSt

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Like me.

Dee-teStabLe. teStable. tEstaBle.

(testicLe teSticle TesTicle)

.

.

.

Is that a c**rude** eNough imaGe for you, DOris? Is it JusT so fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiLThy t**ha**t you wAnt to waSh your **ha**nds with CloroX juSt at the tHOught?

Do you Know _whY_ my resPonsEs to inQuiries are so…

FiltHy

(… cum suCking suPer tWat...)

ImMature

(… a saTisFying baLL sc**Rat**cH...)

c**Rude**

(...uSed purPle condOms...)

anD vioLenT?

(...buRN this citY doWn...)

You alReadY said it yoursElf, dorIs:

I'm mOcKing (cockiNg!) the in-Stee-tOo-shUn of eThics and deCorum.

WhY?

BecauSe I can. And bEcause i'm a visionaRy. A feW stePs ahead of the cOmMon m**assEs**, you miGht saY.

.

.

.

.

.

i'm merelY acCelerAting the moRal decLine t**ha**t's _ineVitaBle_, DoRis.

.

.

.

.

.

.

I'm thE gasoLIne you throW on the fiRe.

i'm the yeaSt you puT in the breAd to make it riSe. (zucChini with waL**nuts**!)

i'M the luBe you s**Lick** on that rainBoW-colored diLDo to make it sLIde in the ol' crePe-like tuNneL easier, dorIs.

(dirtY little iMage therE, isn't it? HoW do you feeL aBout seeIng your na**me** in tHe sa**me** senteNcE t**ha**t dePicts a sYmboL of an eRect PeNis?)

Got**HA**m has too manY ruLes. SocieTy haS too mAny RUes. ruLEs are no FuN. Now c**ha**Os, on tHe other **ha**nd,

Now tHeRe's a gOod ti**me**.

You cAn't speLL "cHaos" without "hA", now, caN you? nope.

(… masTurBation on a train…...)

How Does oNe beGet chaos?

You unRaVel an institUtion or a sEt of VaLues from the insiDe out, doris. Just liKe what I'm doinG wiTh this CoLumN.

I insuLt peoPle, because i'm noT supPosed to.

(… killthemaYorkilltheMayor…...)

I speW forwaRd imaGes you judge as ViLe…_because _you wiLL find theM vile.

If an adVice coluMn is supPosed to oFFer gentle coRrections of manNeRs whiLe patting the (m)**asses** paTroniZingly on the head aNd enCouraging fuRTher judGment of others….

… thEn I'm going to riP down my tRousers and JaM (strawBerRY!) my coCk as far down the tHRoat of Gotham as I wanT.

And the peoPLe wiLL keep beGging for more. _MoRe_, DoRIs.

(… shit fuck damn bastaRd son-of-a-bitch cUnt toOthpaSte…...)

The aVerage IQ of the humAn race has sTeadiLy decLined since the 1960s. MediCine has impRoVed to preVent (m)**ass** outBreaKs of coMmon ailments from kiLLing entiRe cities or RegIons. wiLd animals Are no lonGer a thrEat to humans, thaNKs to wEapons (i suRe loVe 'em!). thE uneDucated repOpulate at MorE t**ha**n thrEe times the **rAt**e of the edUcated.

W**ha**t does This **me**An, DoRiS?

It **me**ans t**ha**t the woRld is geTting dumber. A lot dumBer. peoPle are seeKing to be spoOn-fed theIr moraLs becauSe it's jusT too daRned **ha**rd to thinK for theMselves. (ha HAha, the duMmies)

The culturaL apeX of our coLLectiVe societY is in the rearView mirRor, babe. BacK so far, eVen the **baTman** coulDn't see it wIth one oF his suPer-poWered teLescoPE toYs.

We're headed downhiLL with a Bullet, Doris. you can't sTop it. I'm onLy giVing societY a bit of a Push down the hiLL, so wE can reaCh the oBLiVion of strucTure just a tad faSter.

ChaOs is so much FUN, Doris. i'LL show you mYself, when I paY you a Visit (after I've kiLLed all of tHe poLice guaRDing your door, aS this waS so oBviousLY a collaBoration witH the GothAm Police dEpartment to aTtemPt an entRap**me**nt).

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

…and, I'm bAck.

My coaT is a little worse for the wear, and I'm goINg to need a neW shirt. TiDe with bLeach does NOT get blOod out, KiDs. i doN't care w**ha**t those comMerciaLs claiM.

I shoWed dorIS w**ha**t chaos looKs like.

To shOw her apPReciation, she gaVe me a Piece of her MinD, Just liKe she saiD she wouLd.

And now it's sitTing here riGht neXt to me on the c**Ouch**, all gray and WrinKLy. And a biT bLoodY, as paRt of her sKull and graY-haired sCaLP are still aTtached.

I'll turn To the Logo channeL on TV to kEep it entErtained. I'M thoughTful like t**ha**t.

i won't **ha**ve ti**me** to eNTertain it, becaUse i'Ve got letteRs to ansWer. PeoPLe to insuLt. DespiCabLe imaGes to conJure and reVolTing acts of vioLence to sugGest.

I liKe to turn thinGs insiDe-out and reVel in aLL the goRe.

ProVe me rIGht, Gotham. i KnoW you will.

TeLL me hoW much you loooooooooVe heaRing fRom me.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Do it, or i'LL cut out your eYes.

and I'll cuT out yOur aYes. (soRry, saiLors at the goTham porTs)

aNd i'll cut oUt your I's, which wiLL maKe GothaM C_ty and each _nd_v_dual _n _t feel a l_ttle b_t naKeD and _ncomPLete.

Ha haaaAaa ha,

hArdY har Har

-JokEr

P. Ess. tO ansWer her QuesTion about hOw i liVe with mYself... QuiTe comfoRtably, acTuallY, withOut a vacUum cLeaner, boTtle of hAnd saNitiZer, or feeLings of rEmorSe. LacKing aLL threE iS QuiTe liBeratinG, and i reCommend dOing wiThout thEm to all mY reaDers. bUt i Do **ha**Ve to **hA**ve my raSpberry ZinGers, so i'M going to ruN down to Mr. PaK's stoRe and roB me somE eAts.

* * *

_-4oC, 2011.12.17_


	33. Question 29

**QUESTION 29**

* * *

Dear Joker,

How are you? I just have a few comments, my dear.

I know who Batman truely is. I know who YOU are, your real name. And I know how you got your scars.

So I won't ask about any of that. And this is an advice column after all so lets cut to the cHAse.

WHAat

WoULd

YØU

dO

FoR

a

KLoNdiKe bAR?

!i!

Ahem. Yes, anyway. Onto the actual question. What should I do when im in love with a clown?

Your Jester.

* * *

- - **REPLY** - - -

* * *

ahhHhhhhh…..

IsN't this...

...JusT

.

.

.

pRecIous?

.

.

w**Ha**t wouLd i do for a KLondiKe bar?

W**ha**t woUld I dO for a tastY ice cReam sandWich with a cuTe poLAr beaR on the wrapPer?

.

.

.

.

ummmmmmmmMmm

Let us (leTtuce but no onIons, eXtra maYo) enVision the sacCharine

poSsibiLities,

s**ha**LL we?

.

.

.

WouLD i:

1. peT puppY doGs and p**ass** out hoaGies (theY can **ha**Ve the onioNs t**ha**t i scRape off) to the ho**me**Less?

orrrrrrrrrrrrRrrRRr...

2. PLant daFfodils and deLiVer gRoceries to shuT-ins (suPer-siZeD fataSses and AIDS paTientS)?

deeeEeeeeeliver... dEliver, de-livEr, de-bOne, de-pAnCreas, de-KidneY, and anYthing elSe i waNt to taKe ouT

oR woUld i...

3. sKiP d**oW**n a road paVed with yeLLoW briCks, where mOnKeys fLY, the Lions are gaY and the sCarecR**ow**s aren't a faBricatEd aLter ego of a 98-pOund psYchiatRist?

heH heeeeeEe ho

GoLLy, w**ha**t a posiTiveLY deliGhtful gA**me** this is!

.

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No**_T._**

acTuallY, it giVes me a heaDache.

And maKes me feeL a tad... nausEous.

And it really

...mAkes mE

want

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

to sTab you.

oVer.

aNd OveR.

aNd ovEr

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

aLL**ow** me tO rePeat mYseLf, so t**Ha**t we'Re cLear:

tHis sUb-mOroniC QuesTion reEeeeeeeaLLy mAkes me

Want

tO

**StaB **

you.

wIth a piCk aXe t**ha**T a fLannel-cLaD lumBerjacK would wIeld as he piCks and PicKs and pickS for goLd in the kLondiKe regioN of the YuKon.

Can i co**Me** over noW?

iF you loVe cL**ow**ns, I adVise you nOt to trY to uPstage thEm with atTempts at beIng consPicuousLy cute.

Or funny.

oR ZaaaAa-neeEEeeeeee, witH qUestiOns like tHis oNe.

ClowNs, in geneRal, do nOt liKe it wHen somEone attemPts a pOorLY eXecuTed eFfort at reLegaTing them tO the baCkGround of thEir atTentIon-hunGry foRegrounD.

I, specifically,

**ha**Te it.

**hA**d you stOpped tHere, i mIght **ha**Ve onLy

kiLLed you

but...

you Just _HaaaaAaD_ to rAtchet (hatcHet) uP the annoYance facTor by

...moCKing my wRiting sTyle.

bAd caLL, there, jEster.

.

.

.

.

.

verY

.

bAd

.

caLL.

I'm gOing to saNdwich a scOop of ice cReam betWEen laYers of your sKin, mAking a little KLondike bAr out of you. i'M sure theRe's a poLar bear so**me**where in tHe Got**ha**m centRaL Zoo t**ha**T would loVe to tRy a biTe.

and i'LL ensuRe yOu are conScioUs as I cuT.

.

.

.

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.

.

.

.

wHo's hungrY?

* * *

_-4oC, 2011.12.21_


	34. Question 30

**QUESTION 30**

* * *

Dear Joker, my friend the moker! Find your knife-y yet? No? Wanna know where

and who has it? Yes ya do? Well you'll have to work for it! Work I say! Work!

But while i think of what you'll have to do I'll ask you one simple question.

Do you who I am? Till next time! Mary Marvel Ps-y. I'll tell you what you have

to do in my next letter.

* * *

- - - **REPLY **- - -

* * *

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(yaWn)

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**YawN**

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Hrmph.

aLLow me to sT**retch** a moment... scRatch the baCk of my heaD and uSe a pocKet kniFe as a tOOthpick to eXtract parT of a sALami sanDwich from mY **choP**pers.

.

.

.

aaaaahhHhh, beTter.

tHese are thE things i dO when I am... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... bOreD.

yOu know w**ha**t's reaLLy boRing? NeWspapers.

See, theY're filleD with nEws.

i'Ve been Paging thRough the Got**ha**m heraLd and all thEse boRIng stories** haV**e to do with poLiticians and...

...pOor peopLe and

LaWs and

rULes

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...and s**ha**LL**ow** celeBriTies and

**hea**L**th** bReakthRoughs and

...boRder WaRs and

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...reLiGious disPutes.

i, frAnkLY (or maYbe StanLeY or c**Ha**rliE!), do nOt care aBouT:

PoliTIcians (dId he sLeep wiTh his sTep-daUghter?)

pooR peOple (oh, cRap,** h**e**A**t was jUst cut oFF again)

lAws (woRds Words wOrdS)

ruleS (tHe fOUndatiOn of LawS)

s**Ha**ll**oW** CelebRities (oooOoh! loOk who's deButing a neW nose thiS weeK!)

healtH breaKthroUghs (neWsflaSh! mEth aBuse couLd shoRten your liFesPan)

borDer warS (my RocK hoVel is bettEr than yOur cAmel baRn)

or

reLigioUs disputEs (my eigHt-armed dIety is beTter thaN your mOon goDdess).

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

_BoooooooOooooOoOooooor-_ing.

Well, eXcept theRe was a storY about a fRuit venDor who set hiMseLf on fiRe in pRotest. t**ha**t was prettY cooL. (tHe iRonY of an aCt liKe t**ha**t, h**Ow**eVer, is t**Ha**T peOpLe are lEss likelY to reMember w**Ha**t thE prOtest actUally sTood foR, and mOre liKely to reMember tHe smEll of burNing fLesh... so, you, uH... you sOrt of neGate the verY attentIon you wEre trYing to bRing to a pAr-tICK-yOO-laR iSsue. ooPs.)

bUt aSide frOm sTories abOut humAn mOlotoV cocKtaiLs, aLL the reSt iN the neWspapEr is just sTatic. NothIng worthY of note.

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...with one eXcePtion:

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

**ME**

tHe onLY gOod part of tHe paPer is mY adVice column. It's mY opPortuniTy to s**ha**re with the peopLe of Gotham mY take on tHings. OfFer my vieWpoint (anD so**Me**ti**me**s mY kniFepoInt). peopLe who nEed help, and aRe smart enouGh to _CON-_suLt mE and not _IN-_sULt me… well, theY jUst may gEt an aNsweR.

See, I'm a pRobleM-solVer. nOt many **ha**vE the viSion yet to aPpreciate t**ha**t. A GenIus is rareLY apPreciated in hIs ti**me**.

PeopLe who dOn't see genIUs in a worK of art aRe just… duLLards.

And dUllarDs are... ... ... boRing.

apParentLY there are QuiTe a fEw dullarDs who feeL comPelled to wRite to me.

ManY things in liFe really do nOt interEst me. Like… honeSt jobs.

oR coLoring inSide the lines.

oR gouRmet cupcaKe shoPs.

NeaR the toP of t**ha**t liSt wouLd be prOsaic QueStions from dIm-wiTTed littLe girlS foll**oW**ing a trIte foRmuLa in a tePid atteMpt to baIt me.

TheRe are a loT of you eMptY-headed bRoadS out tHere.

A loT.

I've kiLLed so**me** of you, buT I've co**me** to seE your vaLue as suPreme annoYanceS. your hackneYed (**hA**ck-**Ha**ck-**ha**cK in the kNee KneE knEe) soLicitatiOns of atTention are the eQuivaLent of sLapping a fLashing mArQuee siGn on your foRehead t**ha**t saYs,

"IncaPabLe of indEpenDent tHought."

T**ha**t's just sWell, maRy MarVel. sO glad yoU wroTe to mE.

Can't thInk on your oWn? sUper. I'm goinG to giVe you sO**me** diRection: yOu and youR friends nEed to pIck so**me**one to annoY with youR foOLish attentIons. driVe them **baTty** for a whiLe. I reComMend senDing a noTe just liKe This one to maYor Garcia. I bet t**ha**t wouLd go oVer reallY well with him aNd his sEcuritY teaM. You kn**ow** who eLse you could sTalk? H**ow** about t**ha**t billioNaire man-chiLd Bruce wAyne? hE lives in the PalisAdes. gO find his HouSe and paY _him_ so**me** atteNtion.

But yoU're going to neEd to finD a coat to wEar with eXtra-wide sLeeVes, to acCommoDate the casts t**ha**t both of yOur arMs will be in aFter I senD one of my thuGs oVer to bReaK tHem. I'll aLso **ha**Ve him sTaPle your liPs shUt, foR thInking iT's funNy to gIve me oRderS.

yOu're not woRthY a perSonaL cAll from me, tinKerbeLL.

Got**hA**m... ... ... ... ... ... ... You'Re stArtinG to borE me, here.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

For the loVe of aLL t**ha**t's bLAck, fLutterY and liVes in caVEs, Give me a Question t**ha**T reQuires acTual adviCe, wiLL ya? CriPes! Now I'm juSt peeVed. hOw to vEnt thIs eNergY? i thInk i'LL Go kiCk the ho**me**Less vet d**ow**n on the cORner of 137th and CopLing AvenUe, rIght beFore i sTab hIm for dOing notHing to oFFend me at aLL.

I **ha**te... ... ... ... _HAtE_ beIng bored.

.

.

.

.

i adVise you reAders to sTaY off 137th for a wHile, or i'LL get in a FeW pRactice cuTs on yOu, fIrst.

-JOkeR

* * *

_-4oC, 2011.12.22_


	35. Question 31

**QUESTION 31**

* * *

Dear Joker,

I really hope you can help advise me out of an uncomfortable dilemma.

My husband and I are in our early 40's, and a few months ago, we discovered that there was a swingers group in our condo. The couples who participate are attractive, financially successful and range in age from late 20's to early 50's. We've attended a few gatherings that were "key parties" (as a throw-back to the 1970's), and, I have to admit, we really enjoyed ourselves. Here's the problem: someone leaked news of the next gathering to the wealthiest couple in the building, who now want to join. Both of them are extremely overweight, unattractive and rather obnoxious. What's worse is that they're also vindictive; the man mentioned to our neighbor that if they couldn't join the group, he would contact all places of employment where everyone participating works, tell them of our involvement, and have us terminated. He has the connections to make that happen.

None of us can afford to lose our jobs, but no one wants to get stuck drawing the "key" that pairs us with either of them. What do we do?

Thank you,

Cautious Carrie

* * *

- - - **REPLY** - - -

* * *

now_ tHis_ is moRe liKe it, got**ha**MmmmMm.

Mmmm hmmmMmm.

I kNew the weIrdos wouLd eVentuaLLY climB out of the woOdworK and sH**ow** theMseLVes. Ha haha ha.

s&M dunGeons

HumAn trafficKinG

cLoaKed ceRemonious orGies

kEy partIes

.

.

.

.

.

.

PeeK beLow the surFAce, and thIs is the gOT**ha**m t**ha**t KiplinGer, forBeS and MoneY MagaZine don't sEe when theY ranK the BeSt cities to liVe in, boYs and giRLs. you woN't find actiVitY liKe this in aKron.

(aNd whY doesn't anyoNe eVer rAnk the best citIes to DiE in? t**Ha**t's alWays lacKing from these comPilation liSts.)

In fAct, I'm beTting the pRistiNe and unalloYed reAders who folloWEd Ms. grace's coLumn so faiThfully proBabLy **ha**ve no

... ... ... ... ... ... ...idEa

w**ha**t a

KeY PartY

iS.

Heh heh.

LeT's just saY t**ha**t it's a couPLes' paRty where… the parTner you arRiVe with _isn't_ the pArtneR you LeaVe with: mEn tHr**ow** theIr car keYs into a b**ow**L (boWL does **nOt **rhYme wiTh OwL... hOot HooT!), wOmen piCk a seT, and whOeVeR owns the KeyS geTs to sh**ow** her a gOod ti**me** for tHe reSt oF the niGht.

You knOw, I thReW a kEy partY, once.

onLY insTead of sWapPing seX partNers, we tRaded weApons foR a niGht out on thE t**ow**n. I dreW a MarVin the MarTiAn keY chain, anD got to pLay with a BereTta ARX-160. those eYe-taLians Kn**ow** h**Ow** to maKe gooD lasaGNe and good loW-veLocitY grenaDe launcHers. This Is whY I recoMmend mAking conNecTions with the MoB. iT's fun to pLaY with theiR toYs, steaL them aNd then use theM to kiLL the oRigiNal **ow**Ners.

AahhhhhHhhhhh. Ha.

Uh, yEah.

So, um… caRRie.

wheRe do I eVen staRt?

_CautioUs _CarRie?

ReaLLY, sWeetheaRT?

okaY.

And i'm… ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...risK aVeRSe.

you'Re wiLLing to alloW a mAn's neVer-yOu-Mind into Your sUper-secRet-sPeciaL-pLAce, bAsed on a set of KeYs t**ha**t you ranDomLY picK from a bowL... ... ... ... ... and you'Re onLY realiZing NOW t**ha**t there coULd be an unpLeasant suRPrise in this gA**me**?

viEwing the BiG piCture isn't reaLLY your strOng suiT, is it, ladY?

I'm inFerRing t**ha**t in your paSt eNcounTeRs to daTe, you **ha**VEn't been saDdLed wiTh an anKle-spREader and fiTTed witH a buTTerfLY gag wHile beinG whiPPed by your oNe-niGht-stand?

neVer caUGht gonoRrhea?

DidN't wind uP with a littLe pInK pLus sign on onE of thoSe little wHIte pLastic stick tHiNgies you peE on?

NevEr been LeFt foreVer diSsatisfiEd by your hUsband's LacK of endow**Me**nt reLatiVe to one oF the fLeetIng Key paRty encounTers?

SouNds liKe you'Ve been unUsually lucKY.

So... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...theRe's the poSsibiLity t**ha**t oNe of you "ladIes" (aheM) gets sTuck with JabBa the Hutt, and one of the uPstanDing "gentLemen" (couGh!) has to pork sHamu. So**me**times, eVen the cooL and hiP kiDs fRom the "iN" cRowd eVenTually gotta taKe one For the tEam, doLL.

You and yOur girLfRiends **ha**ve the easY job: you Just **ha**ve to lie theRe and faKe a fEW moaning noIses. The mEn in the pack are tHe ones who'Ve reeeeeEeally got a biT of a chaLLenge on their **ha**Nds. wo**me**n maY not apPReciate this, but uh…. a soLDier can't faKe a soLute to oL' gLorY.

i **ha**ve no proBLem with sociaL disgRace and gEtting fiRed (hoW i loVe to get FiRE), but yOu obViousLY do, or you woULdn't be WritIng to me. iT wouLd be a hooT (oWL stiLL doesN't rhy**Me** with bowL) iF you dId teLL moBy dIcK off, no maTTer the conseQuenCe.

sO, let's **ass**Ume t**ha**t teLLing the faTTies t**ha**t theY're unweLcome Just isn't an oPtioN... tHe solution is easy: make it a maSQuerade night. eVerYone weaRs masKs or cosTu**me**s. ProbLem soLVed. You doN't reaLLY **hA**ve to looK at w**ha**T you're doing… or whoM you're doIng.

tHe imaGination is a poWerfuL tool, carrIe. BesiDes… who's to sAy t**ha**t thE **me**n in the grouP don't aLreadY uSe theIr imaginAtions when theY're with you? Are you so sure that You'RE the beLLe of the bAll? (i'M more liKe a buLLhorN t**ha**n a beLL) oNe man's aPhrodite is the neXt man's mEdusA.

sO tell me, Carrie… hoW do you deTermine wHich keYs to pick? HmmmmMmm? dO you piCk the set of PorsChe keys kNowing yoU're in for a nIght with Mr. oVercompenSating? (is bRuce WayNe a meMber of this liTTle gatherIng, peR chanCe?)

dO you pIck the set of aCcord Keys, knoWing t**ha**t yOu're in foR a predIctabLE-yet-saFe eVening of hiDe-the-pickLe?

oR do you pIck the geNeric-looKing keY, knowinG t**ha**t the mAn attaChed to it iS a compLete wiLd cArd (joKer caRD)?

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I wonDer if you couLd teLL which kEy is

**miNe.**

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i dO wondeRrrrrrrrrrRrrrrr... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

Let me Kn**ow** when the paRty is, CautIous Carrie. tHere's goinG to be an eXtra seT of

keYs

in t**ha**t bowL.

WHoeVer picKs it wiLL be in for tHe riDe of her LiFe.

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yoU're thinkiNg abouT it, _aRen't_ you, CaRRie?

i _kNow_ you aRe.

wouLd i keEp the masQuerade masK

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...on

the wHoLe ti**me**?

or wOuld i waIt for thE riGht moMent to

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tAke

iT

oFF?

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yoU wiLLing to fiNd out, perSonaLLY?

you maY be "cautiOus"...

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...but _i_

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am deCidedLY

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**nOT.**

Heh heh.

Yeaaaaaaaaahhhhhh….

* * *

_4oC, 2011.12.23_


	36. Question 32

**QUESTION 32**

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Dear Mrs. Grace,

I have a question. I am somewhat coulrophobic, and about the only clown I can stand to look at is the Joker. I have no fear of him at all despite living deep in the heart of Gotham. I can look at photos of him and not even shudder - in fact I enjoy writing stories about him, though I know none of them will probably ever be published, not here at least. Is this some strange conundrum I should seek help for? Am I crazy? I know for a fact that this cannot be normal.

Yours,

Freak?

P.S. - What do you think about all the young people writing stories and poetry about this criminal and posting them online? Do you think that this is a normal expression of their inner fears, or something more sinister?

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- - - **REPLY **- - -

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tOdaY is deceMber 24th, boYs and girLs. iT's one of mY faVorite dAYs of the eNtire year.

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...Know whY?

The maLLs of GothaM will be filleD to the bRim with frAntic cItiZens.

Ha hahA ha

HaaaaaaaaaaAaa... easY picKin's.

The m**aSs**es will be maKIng mad-d**asH**es to loaD their arMs and their shopPing bAskets (auSteritY casKets) with "apProvaL cuRRenCy", purchAsing maTeriaL items to eXchanGe for loVe, accEptance, aPprecIation, fOrgiVeness, or anY other inTangibLe emOtion that is uLtimateLY selF-serVing. ChristmAs is nO lonGer aBout ceLebrating the BIrth of a kid whO was boRn in a staBLe, who eVentuaLLY grew uP to** ha**Ve super poWers.

Jesus fLew, right? I didN't read the bibLe beCause theRe weren't anY gun fIghts or bOmbs, but I'm pRettY sure jeSus could meLt peoPle with hIs thouGhts. Or was t**ha**t thE guy fRom Star wArs? JesUs vaDer, Darth ChRist… sa**me** difFerence.

AnyhOo… aLL arounD the retaiL compLeXes of got**Ha**m todaY, you'LL see the pRocrastiNators, the kiDs hungry for daddY's approVaL, the pAternal graNdmothers whO want to one-uP anY gift bestoWed by the matErnal granDmoThers (graNd mOth?), eX-boyfrieNds desPerate to buY back the aFFections of thE women wHo dumPed tHem, and the foLks buYing for no One eLse eXcePt theMseLves (nuMero uNo!) whiLe the sALes are gOod.

at LEast i can reSpeCt the honeSTy of those who faLL in the Last gRoup.

The poInt is, eVerYone is... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... disTracteD.

You'Ve got thouSands of peopLe paCked into a (s)Mall area, and nO one is loOking out fOr anYthiNg but theIr oWn seLf-iNteresTs.

for anYone who maY be incLined towArd a free-sPirited sTabBing sPreE, instEad oF a sHoppIng spRee, it's liKe shOoting FiSh in a barReL. Not onLY will nO one paY atTention to sO**me**one getting staBBed right neXt to thEm in ConsueLa's wOnderfuL WoRld of HerMit CraBs (i loVes me deM cRabs!), but sinCe there's a pLethoRa of God-awfuL ChrIstmas swEaters eveRYwhere – moSt of them coLored RED – whO's reaLLY going to sEe the bLoodStains? If so**me**one leAns oVer and sTarts sCReamiNg whiLe holDing their stoMach, passeRsBy will just assU**me** t**ha**t so**me** shopPer atE the wRong enchiLada from Taco and BuRriTo CaBana in the foOd couRt.

I'll by mosEYing out the dOor here shoRTly, so i'm goinG to get doWn to bR**ass** tacKs with this reAder. HeyyyyyYyy… I'm goiNg to haVe to GIve t**ha**t a trY – BraSs knucKLes, i'Ve got doWn pat, But brasS tAcks? I maY **ha**ve to trY sticKing thoSe into the coRners of soMeone's eYe to see (a puN – Ha! JeeZ, I'm cLeVer) w**ha**t tYpe of reaCtion I get.

So, FreaK (and theRe's no s**Ha**me in beIng one), here's mY take:

Point 1: Mizzzzzzzz Grace was no "Mrs.", oKaY? Trust mE. Men don't marrY womEn who looK Like b**ass**Et hounDs.

poiNt B: Ms. graCe is dEad, and eVen the pOWer of chrisTmas caN't brinG her bAck.

PoInt III: Uh… um… heH he

Ha

haHa ha ha

are you reaLLY admiTting t**ha**t you're afRaid of moSt cLowns…. _eXcept_ for me?

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God daMn it.

(sEe, it's cHristmas, so tHe LorD and saVior on high, DaRTh Christ, is feeLing reAlly chEEry, because his fLocK bouGht his apProvaL with eXtra donAtions at chuRch and shOoting doWn X-wIng fighTers. ThereFore, he won't sMite me for bLaspHeming.)

Not afRaid of me, eh?

tHis **ha**pPens more oFten then i eXpeCted, where wOmen and fLameRs are so taKen in by mY raKish joIe-de-viVre and deviLishLy goOd looKs t**ha**t theY soRt of miSs the biG picTure. You wanT to faNtasiZe about me? fiNe. You Like to wRite littLe stoRies aBout me? **Ha**ve aT it.

As for the YouNg gothaMiTes pubLishinG poetRy and sTories aBout me… theY **ha**ve gReat tAste in cRiminaLs. am I insPiring an inSurRection aMong the unDergrouNd youTh of this rAt hole ciTy, which cAn be gLimpsEd in these onLine stoRies?

weLL… i woulDn't want to sPoiL the suRPrise, now, wOuld I?

If theRe are more hoMaGes to me than to **BatBreaTh** circuLatinG aRound, then i'm aLL for it. As lOng as i am aFforDed _respEct_ in thEse stOries.

It's whEn the reSpect ebBs that i, uh… I sTart to take _isSue._

There canNot be respeCt witHout

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**FeAR**

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And sInce – bY your oWn admiTtance – you do NoT fear me, foR so**me** reAson….

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… then it souNDs liKe I nEEd to paY you a littLe visIt, and teaCh you a liTTle so**me**thIng about resPecT.

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You tHink you'Re a fREak _now_?

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Just waIt until _I_ get doNe with yoU.

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i adVise you to asK sAnta cLauS for BaTman'S protecTion toNight, beCause he's the onLy thinG that couLd pReVent me froM, uh... dRiVing my pOinT hoMe.

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I'm oFF to the maLL in mY santY-CLaus outFit. AfTer i serVe mY 2-hoUr sHift as the maLL Santa for kiDs' phoTos (I liKe to teLL 'em t**hA**t I'm leaVing bodY partS in theIr sTockings), tHen i'LL randoMLy sLash at shoPpers in the gaRish sweAters, and maYbe I'll bEat a saLVation ArmY voLunteer so I caN steaL his beLL (cLang ClanG!).

I'm attacHing jingLe bElls to my suIt. If you hEar me comIng,

get

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oUt

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oF

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my

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WaY.

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Then,

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... soMetime laTer tonIght... ... ... ... ... ...

i'm coMing down YoUR chimNeY,

FReak,

to giVe you the giFt of feaR.

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It's w**ha**t Jesus vAder wouLd want on tHis VauNted hoLy daY.

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EnJoy your hauL fRom the stoREs, gothaM. snugGLe waRm in your 3X-siZed swEatpaNts with rUdoLph on thEm, knowing the 8-yeaR old kiD chaIned to a seWing machIne in the ZhejiAng proVince of ChiNa who maDe it geTs a chriStmas bonUs of an eXTra heaD of boK Choi. Oh wait, ComMies don't ceLebrate chRistmAs - no bOk cHoi foR you, cHung Lu.

HA.

-jokEr

* * *

Author's Note: As a holiday treat for each of you, be sure to check out this wonderful creation by an incredibly brilliant young writer, Lauralot. Just delete the spaces, and copy into your browser address box:_  
_

**http:/ www. fanfiction. net /s/6583977/1/How_the_Joker_Stole_Gotham**

_-4oC, 2011.12.24_


	37. Questions 33 to 41

**QUESTIONS 33 - 41**

* * *

I'm not **ha**Ving a good niGht, Got**ha**m.

i deCided to go to a parTy toniGht. A KeeeeeY paRty. The onE that CautIous carRie was atTenDing.

Yep. _T**ha**t _one.

She tooK my adVice and maDe it into a coStume partY, where fuLL masKs were reQuired. I sAw a guY dressed liKe RicHard NiXon, a woman dreSSed like a meRmaid, a guy wHo was eiTher a gHost or a gIant sPerm, and lOts of other intEresting concoCtions. One of the gUys came dRessed in a SmuRf costuMe. I don't kNow w**ha**t's remOteLy seXy about t**ha**t, but maybE if i'D seen a sMurfeTTe, i wouLd **ha**ve thouGht she wAs hoT.

I fiGured ouT which one wAs CarrIe, which wAs easY since i, you kNow, I sorta foLL**ow**ed her d**oW**n the haLL from her coNdo to the eLeVator, uP to the peNthouse wHere the pArty actuaLLy was. I saW her faCe in the miRror of the elevAtoR beFore she puLLed her QueEn of sPadEs masK oveR her face. She's a littLe thing. maYbe 5'1", aBout a bucK ten. I couLd see h**ow** shE'd be worRied about draWing the kEy to match heR with the S.S. LardaSs.

Her huSband heLd her **ha**nd in the eLevaTor on the wAy uP. He was dResSed as the kinG of HeaRts. iT was sucH a pREciouS paiRing, i **hA**d to reFrain mYself from staBbing them tHere on the SpoT. tHey both saw me in the eLeVator, but said notHing becauSe of the atTendant who wAs theRe. I guess theY werE aLL blushY and embaRr**ass**eD.

So, we aLL get theRe, right? I can insTantLY tell which woMan all the mEn are aVoiDing. She was dRessed liKe a VeGas shoWgirl. A 300+ pOund show girL. In fiShneTs. And hEeLs. TripLe-decker BiG Macs shouLdn't be stuFfed into the wRapPer of daInty Filet-o-fIsh, kids. I'm jus' saYin'.

I couLd hear an obNoXious bL**ow**hard in the kiTChen, yucKing it uP and braGging aboUt the diVIdends in his pOrtfoLio, blah bLah blAh, obViousLY the hUsband of TwinkLEtoes the Elep**Ha**nt.

So all the guYs thr**ow** their keYs in the b**ow**L as the hosTEss (wHo's dreSseD up liKe CLeoPatra) waLks aRound to collecT the gooDs. She giVes me a cuRious looK, and is juSt piecing toGether t**ha**t I didn't aRrive wIth a siGnificant othEr, when a woman dreSsed liKe a cowgirl decided to geT the party staRTed early.

So AnNie OakLey, who's clearLY drunk ofF her bRonco, bLindlY choOses a set of keys that pAirs her up with the SmuRf. sHe taKes off her mAsk and wE all seE the relieF in her face t**ha**t she diDn't get The hUman Tub, but… hA ha, you stiLL **ha**Ve to boInk a cArtOon. sHould be a sMurfY eXperieNce.

cArriE was neXt. True tO her natUre, she cauTiousLy looKed into the b**ow**L, to see w**ha**t tHe keYs lOoked like... which is soRt of chEating, if yoU asK me, but I couLdn't reaLLy throW stones, becAuse i liKe to cheaT, too. i can sEe her eYes get big beHinD her maSk, as she stareS at w**ha**t I kNew was MY keyChain.

(Heh hEh. yeah, doLL. i toLd you I'd coMe.)

But carriE just froZe. And t**ha**t's when thIngs sort of… didN't go the waY i **ha**d hoPEd.

The, uh, VeGas sh**ow**hoG got too imPatient and diDn't want to wAit her tuRn, probabLY becauSe she wAs too eAGer to get bOned by anYone who wasn't her husBAnd. So she eLb**ow**ed CarRie out of the waY, graBbed the b**ow**L, and sQueaLed (aS hoGs are wanT to do)…

aS she picKed uP the set of keYs.

_mY_ keys.

She sTarts tWirLing them aRound her finGer, aNd as I watChed the liTTle black bAt go rOUnd and rouNd, she pOinted at me wiTh the sauSage finGers of her oTher **ha**Nd. "bE as rouGh as you NeEd, Bat-babY! i've bEen a bAd giRL!"

Oh yEah, dId I meNtion that i dreSsed up

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... as the BatmAn?

Haaaaa ha haHa. Yeah. I eVen **ha**d reaL weapOns in mY beLT t**ha**t no one reallY bothEred to looK at.

tHen she beLts out, "Hey, snooKums, it lOoks like your ARcH ENEmY gets to raVish mE for the eVEning! LooKs liKe you bOYs wiLL **hA**ve to fiGht oVer me!"

sO i'm wonDering wHat her staTEment mEant... untiL her huSband co**me**s out oF the kiTchen, and yeLLs, "watCh out, BaTman, 'cauSe no one touChes my babY but mE!"

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fucKIng

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kiDDinG mE?

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He was dreSsed liKe… me.

not me, BatMan.

Me…._ME._

a 380-poUnd

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...iNfeRior

inSuLting

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...hiDeouS

cAricaTure veRsion

oF

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**_ME._**

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hE looKed liKe a bLoated gRape. I waSn't sure w**ha**t ofFended me moRe: the grotesQue phYsicaL iMitation of yOurs truLy, or his **ass**uMption t**ha**t i wouLd eVer saY anyThing as suB-moRonic as w**ha**t he'd SaiD.

i'm not reaLLy suRe w**ha**t hapPEned after t**ha**t eXactLy. I soRt of saW red. Then thIngs sorT of _goT_ red. tHe cuShions and waLLs wound up witH somE red sPLatters on tHem. I wouLd **ha**ve kniFed tHe bLoB in his cameL toe oN pRincipaL for the Visual afFront, but I wAs conCErned mY kniFe wOuld get loSt in some foLd of fat aNd i'd neVer get it bAck. pEople just kinDa waTched in stunNed siLence, as a BatmaN imPostOr stabBed a Joker impOstoR to dEath. i thinK theY thought it wAs an acT of so**me** sort. yOu knOw, a jOke. Then I had to staB Ms. vEgas, for inSinuating t**ha**t I'd wanT any paRt of her seX fantASy to fiGht her husBAnd for thE righTs to her beLUga hooha. (Uh, no thanKs.)

t**Ha**t's when peoPle realiZed it waSn't a joKe. moSt peoPLe staRted to sCream and rUn.

buT caRrie was stiLL froZen, so I leaPt oVer the couCh (betTer t**ha**n baTman eVer could!), tooK off the c**ow**L and scoLDed heR.

"Ya reaLLy should have piCked uP t**ha**t baT kEy chaIn when you **ha**D the c**ha**nCe, caRRie. N**ow** i'm goiNg to **ha**ve to giVe you a diFferent kiNd of ride t**ha**n I had pLanNed."

I grabBed her by the **ha**ir, lAid a biG one on hEr mouTh (mwah!), and kNifed her riGht in the thRoat. i guess thEre's a c**ha**nCe she couLd liVe, buT i was too buSY kicKing the morbidLy obeSe corPse of the aSshoLe who dRessed liKe me tO see hoW she fAred.

And thEn I traipSed out the doOr.

I got to kiLL a feW people, wHich liGhtened mY mood a biT…

…but tHe idea t**ha**t so**me**one dAred dRess uP liKe me…

… maDe a mocKerY of me for kiCKs at a partY…

…weLL, let's JuSt saY I'm a biT

fEd uP

with so**me** of the pErcePTions t**ha**t GothaMites **ha**ve of Me.

tHink i can be mocKed?

ThiNk yOu cAn romAnticiZe tHe danGer aWay?

i

dOn't

tHink

so

SoooooooOoo… im a litTLe tesTy.

And fiDgetY.

and i'vV deCided to taKe it out on YOU.

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I'Ve goNe through mY bag of maIL, and **ha**nd-seLEcted a feW letteRs t**ha**T… well, don'T reaLLy ruB me the riGHt waY, giVen my cuRrent stAte of miNd. taKe a loOk at theSe nine leTters t**ha**t I've reCEived, and sEE if you can gUess w**ha**t the coMmon thRead is aMong themmmMm:

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**qUestioN 33**:

Dear Mr. Rhiana,

You know what they say: 'There's a thin line between love and hate.' The line is always blurred, and therefore, I interpret your response to be a glorified love letter to me. And what better way to declare your undying passion for me than in this very public forum! You have not only publicly anointed me your girlfriend, but you have also waxed lyrical about all the special, treasured moments we shared together in Arkham. And I only wanted to know your beauty secrets so that I would look just like you. I'm even going to use daddy's credit cards to carve my face like yours, just in time for the wedding!

Your future wife,

Arahin

P.S-Jonny Crane wants to be your best man:)

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**QueStion 34:**

Dear Mr. J,

I have a problem with you. You are insane, murderess, and just plain scarey.

My problem is...I am in love with you. There, I said it. I love you. Now, I

tend to love people that I know will never love me back, so, I just wanted to

share my issue.

Love,

Head-over-heels-for-Unreachable

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**QuesTiOn 35:**

Dear Joker,

Any openings for a new henchgirl? I am so sick of the Bat (bat sounds like rat. Ratta tat ta tat) trying to sound like he's so good yet he wouldn't even give his true identity to save 5 people. I would love to take him down and make him finally go...batty. HaHaHaHeHeHaHa and i wouldn't care if you make me smile :) Pain don;t bother me.

~ Smiles

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**questIon 36:**

Bonjour Monsieur Joker!

Here are a few things I would like to point out before we begin this

little...thingy...

-1. I love you.

-2. I think you are the sexiest thing to touch this planet since

Elmo...Haha, Tickle me Joker...that sounded naughty...

-3. I want some cereal...that was random...I am a random person. Its who I

AM! Leave BatBOOB alone!

So all joking aside, I have a friend who is acting like I don't exist. I have

cried at night alot because it feels like she doesnt care for me anymore. I

don't know what I did wrong.

Hugs and Kisses

Bunny Rina =D

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**QUEStioN 37:**

Dear Pimping Joker,

You know you are popular with the girls right?

Everyone seem to thinK YOUR SEXY!

ITS SO BIZARRE.

Did you drug all of us in thinking you are sexy?

Or is your insanity a chick-magnet? (Not to mention those scars and war-paint and those tight-little socks)

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA YOU ARE SUCH A CHICK-MAGNET?

Sincerely,

Pink Lemonade (Its what I'm drinking from now in case you happen to want to know.)

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**qUeStIoN 38:**

Dear the most awesomest most amazing and most epic villian in the UNIVERSE,

What if you have fallen in love with someone who doesn't even know you exsist? *cough*YOU*cough*

And what if that someone, let's call him 'Bob', is a mass murdering guy with green hair, black eyes, and a really BIG grin that never seems to go away? My parents are confused as to why I love 'Bob' so much, they say he's a creep and that I should love someone who doesn't dress up and wears makeup. My family is concerned that I would do something insanely stupid, like going up to 'Bob' and saying/squealing "I LOVE YOU!" So what do you think I should do about this situation, the AWESOMEST most AMAZING and most EPIC person in the universe?

Sincerely,

Jennie

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**qUesTION 39:**

Dear "Ms. Grace",

I am in love with someone I shoudn't be. This someone might wear clown makeup and blow things up frequently. He has greenish hair(hint hint) but I'm afraid he's gay. He has a thing for Batman. What does this mean? Is he gay? Should I move on? Why do the gaurds here keep staring at me? I HATE THIS PLACE! sorry, I did not did not did not mean to write in all caps. Not that I'm indecisive. If you know this guy( not that you're him) tell him I'm waiting at the Arkam Asylum. SHUT UP! that was to the guard, not you.

Crazy in Love

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**QueSTiOn 40:**

Dear Clearly Insane Clown,

What is wrong with you?

Seriously what the freak is wrong with you?

And even more seriously DONT MESS WITH SCARECROW!

Or I will seriously beat the living crap out of you. And. I'm. Not. Joking.

And lastly you suck!

Sincerely,

InLoveWithScarecrow

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**questioN 41:**

Dear Mistah J~

How do you like your pancakes? ;)

And are there any special requirements to work amongst your 'valiant' crew?

And how do you feel to be adored by so many women/girls?

Yours Sincerely,

Lisaa~

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can yOu gueSs w**ha**t theY aLL have in comMon?

... ... ... ... ... ... mmmmmMmmmmMMmmm?

theY aLL reallY pisSed me ofF.

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They'Re all aBout to be inVoLved in a littLe

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**gaMe.**

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BeTWeen me

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the BaTman.

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... Ready... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... _sET... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... !_

-jOker

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_-4oC, 2011.12.26_


	38. Questions 33 to 41: The Aftermath

**QUESTIONS 33 - 41: THE AFTERMATH**

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LooK

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**... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...** what

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**... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... **dId

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ha

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hA

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**TEN DIE IN JOKER'S MACABRE GAME**

**Innocents murdered as the Joker baits vigilante**

By Marcus Fowler

Gotham Herald Correspondent

The Gotham Police Department announced early Wednesday morning that it has recovered a body that appears to be another victim of the Joker. No details have been disclosed yet about the identity of the victim. The location of the crime scene is also being withheld.

Though no confirmation has been given yet by the GPD, it is widely suspected that this latest victim is the tenth person threatened in a letter penned by the Joker to the Batman. The victim could be the last in a string of killings that has terrified the city over the last seventy-two hours.

On Monday the Gotham Herald Correspondent first broke the story of a threat made by the Joker against the lives of ten citizens, after receiving a copy of a letter apparently written by the Joker himself. Though intent to kill was not stated explicitly, harm against unnamed victims appeared to be strongly insinuated throughout the letter.

Before running the story and printing the Joker's letter, our sources contacted the GPD to share its content. We learned that the police were already aware of the threats and were working to contain the situation, but chose not to make the letter public knowledge for fear of creating a panic.

When questioned outside of police headquarters last night about an increased threat to public safety possibly caused by the delay of making the letter public knowledge, Commissioner of Police James Gordon was curt and noticeably defensive: "We acted in the interest of the safety of the victims as well as the public. I felt that disclosure of this letter in a public forum would have caused unnecessary panic, which could do more damage than allowing the police to do their jobs covertly."

Gordon was further asked if he were working directly with the vigilante Batman to prevent each killing. He deflected the query, changing the subject. "It is my job to ensure the safety of the citizens of this city, and I stand by my decision. If any fear-driven public misconduct ensues because of irresponsible journalism, that's on you."

He declined further questions, despite shouting from the throng of reporters and by-standers that had gathered.

Commissioner Gordon has been besieged by angry citizens, who charge that by the police's failure to disclose the Joker's latest threat immediately upon receipt, lives were put in danger unnecessarily. Some members of the city council are calling for Gordon's resignation in the wake of this alleged law enforcement misstep.

It appears that nine of the ten victims threatened may have had a direct connection to the Joker. The Joker recently made his second successful escape from Arkham Asylum, before he could be tried for the murder of Grace Rathbun, the advice columnist found dead in the foyer of her building. The Joker is ostensibly replying to advice questions, published despite admonishments against the media from the GPD. It's believed that nine of the victims may have written to the Joker directly, seeking advice of some sort.

None of the identities of the victims has been confirmed by the police at this time, pending notification of the victims' families.

It is unknown if the Batman made any attempt to thwart each threatened killing.

The original letter follows, reprinted in its entirety. The Major Crimes Unit at GPD did not disclose whether the letter were written after all ten victims were killed, or if the letter were an ensemble of threats, made piecemeal to the police and assembled into one letter only after all victims were killed.

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**An oPen leTTer to tHe BatmAn**

Let's pLaY a ga**me**.

ShaLL we?

comMissiOner GorDon, you cAn play, tOo.

It's caLLed... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... "tEn cHanCes to saVe a uSeLess waSte of sPacE":

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TeN worthLess cIPhers

aLL big Fans oF miNe

tHis one feLL eXtra hArd…

and nOw there aRe nIne

9

9

9

baiTIng mE for fuN

BeGets unFortuNate faTe

BusY? ouT to dinNer, BatMan?

beCause n**oW** theRe are eiGht

8

oCho

8

8

8

ThiS one LooKed QuiTe startLed

wHen I puLLed out mY weaPon

i caRVed a **baT** in her beLLY

AnD now tHere aRe seVen

7

C(o)Unt of the SWans a swimMing

7

7

You'Re miSsing ouT on the **FUn**, bAtman

i'm stiLL gettiNg my kiCKs!

SnuFfing out faWning sYcoPhants

So nOw there are siX

6

6

6

6

3.74 + 2.26

pRofessinG theIr obSession for me

wOn't KEep them aLiVe

sTill on the FenCe about pLaying, Batman?

weLL… Now therE are fiVe

5

5

cuBe rooT of 125

5

5

5

5

5

**5**

5

5

5

tHis is raTher disaPPointing, BatMan

you'Ve becO**me** QuiTe a boRe (rhymes wiTh whOre)

Not wiLLing to giVe c**ha**Se

And now There are FouR

4

4

i gueSS you'Ve reaLLY gone daRk

leaVing this citY to **me**

gA**me** on - baTter uP, BatmAn!

and now thEre are tHRee

3

3

thReE

3

3

3

3

3

3

3

And comMissioNer GoRdon,

**Ha**ve you giVen uP, tOo

oR am i juSt too sLipperY to caTch?

BecAuse now tHere are tWo

2

2

to

tWo

too

2

**JoKer**: 8, JusTice: 0

noWhere to hIDe or to Run

tHis oNe's come aPart at tHe seAms

And now THere's onLY onE

1

1

won

(I) won

(I) won

(eye) won

1

i'M no onE's wHite knight or priNce

anD i doN't want a wiFe

no One, but NO ONE anaLyzes me

aLL i waNt is mY kniFe

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wOnder whAt becaMe of those nIne reaDers whose leTTers irKed me?

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Arahin was the fiRst one to go. heR face had a littLe c**ha**T with the pave**me**nt. afTer stePPing off of a fiFteen-storY buiLding. i doN't know wHat she did tO ofFend the parking loT. maYbe she insuLted its motHer or so**me**thinG, but the asp**ha**Lt tooK isSue with her, and scatTered her faCe intO liTTle pIeces aLL oVer the pLace.

Head-over-heels-for-Unreachable was neXt. i waNted to seE how manY saLad forKs you can stiCk into a huMan neCk beFore someone bLeeds to deaTh. AnsWer: 31. (juSt like BasKin-roBbins ice CreaM! and she scReamed, beLieve me.)

~Smiles was noT smiLing when i caRved that bat in her aBdomen. buT i recYcLed! i feD the fLap of skin to a straY dog. WooF wOof!

Bunny Rina =D was numbEr four. (whIch coLor pooL baLL is t**ha**t?) she maY **ha**ve asPhyxiated in a **Ha**ppY Bunny pLastic bag. maYbe. afTer i kicKed her rePeatedLy in the hEad and ribs. posSibLy. witH mY special pointY shoes.

aFter t**ha**t, Pink lemonade waS on a fence. tHen she was soRt of _in_ a feNce. and aRound it. t**Ha**t's w**ha**t **ha**pPens when you get imPaled on s**ha**rP spindLes.

nuMber siX was Jennie. we pLayed a spirited game of taG. i won. I c**Ha**sed her down aNd tagged her witH a FedEx tRuck. (sPeciaL deLiverY, comIng thrOugh!)

Crazy in Love was lucKy nuMber seVen. i tOok her to a batting caGe for a littLe sWing prActice. i goT in lots of goOd sWings in. Lots and loTs. LouiSville SLuggers **ha**ve nothing on a soLid Old HickoRY.

nExt in line was InLoveWithScarecrow (and you'Re the onLy onE, toOts). i sTuffed her inTo an oiL drum. whiLe it stiLL had oil in iT. eVidentLy lunGs aRen't compatiBLe with petroLeum pRoducts.

tHe lasT reader was Lisaa~. i c**ha**ined her wRists around a LaMppost and cuFfed her feeT to an 18-wHeeLer. Then i cLimbed in the caB and stepPed on the gas. iRon and sTeel beaTs out fLesh and bone eVerY time. thAt's the Law of PhYsics tip-of-the-daY for you.

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(but wHo was numBer teN?)

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Let's seE if you can PuzzLe t**ha**t one ouT for yourseLves, Gotham...

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_-4oC, 2012.01.02_


End file.
